Tag Archives: love

Tiger Woods and the Newlyweds

A newlywed couple is on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about to consummate their marriage, when the bride says to her husband, “I have a confession to make… I’m not a virgin. I’ve been with another man.”

The husband replies, “That’s no big thing in this day and age. Who’s the other guy?”

“Tiger Woods,” says the wife.

“Tiger Woods, the golfer?”

“Yes.”

“Well, he’s rich and famous,” the husband says. “I can see why you went to bed with him.”

So the husband and wife proceed to make passionate love. When they finish, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

“What are you doing?” asks the wife.

“I’m hungry,” the husband replies. “I’m going to call room service and get us something to eat.”

“Tiger wouldn’t do that,” his wife shot back.

“Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?” the husband asks.

“He’d come back to bed and make love to me a second time.”

The husband puts down the phone, jumps back in bed, and the couple makes love a second time. When they finish, the husband gets up and walks over to the phone.

“Now what are you doing?” asks the wife.

“I’m still hungry, so I was going to call room service.”

“Tiger wouldn’t do that,” the wife says again.

The husband slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love to his wife one more time.

When they finish, the husband is tired and beat. He drags himself out of bed and over to the phone.

The wife asks, “Are you calling room service?”

“No, I’m calling Tiger Woods to find out the par for this damn hole!”

(Shout out to Web Funny where I found this)

Facts about Americans. Did you know that . . .

Only 30% of us can flare our nostrils.

21% of us don’t make our bed daily. 5% of us never do.

Men do 29% of laundry each week. Only 7% of women trust their husbands to do it correctly.

40% of women have hurled footwear at a man.

67.5% of men were tightie whities (briefs).

3 out of 4 of us store our dollar bills in rigid order with singles leading up to higher denominations.

13% of us admit to occassionally doing our offspring’s homework.

91% of us lie regularly.

27% admit to cheating on a test or quiz.

29% admit they’ve intentionally stolen something from a store.

50% admit they regularly sneak food into movie theaters to avoid the high prices of snack foods.

90% believe in divine retribution.

10% believe in the 10 Commandments.

82% believe in an afterlife.

45% believe in ghosts.

13% (mostly men) have spent a night in jail.

58.4% have called into work sick when we weren’t.

10% of us switch tags in the store to pay less for an item.

Over 50% believe in spanking – but only a child over 2 years old.

35% give to charity at least once a month.

How far would you go for $10 million? 25% would abandon their friends, family, and church. 7% would murder.

69% eat the cake before the frosting.

When nobody else is around, 47% drink straight from the carton.

85% of us will eat Spam this year.

70% of us drink orange juice daily.

Snickers is the most popular candy.

22% of us skip lunch daily.

9% of us skip breakfast daily.

66% of us eat cereal regularly.

22% of all restaurant meals include french fries.

14% of us eat the watermelon seeds.

Only 13% brush our teeth from side to side.

45% use mouthwash every day.

22% leave the glob of toothpaste in the sink.

The typical shower is 101 degrees F.

Nearly 1/3 of U.S. women color their hair.

9% of women and 8% of men have had cosmetic surgery.

53% of women will not leave the house without makeup on.

58% of women paint their nails regularly.

33% of women lie about their weight.

10% of us claim to have seen a ghost.

57% have had deja vu.

49% believe in ESP.

44% have broken a bone.

Only 30% of us know our cholesterol level.

14% have attended a self-help meeting.

15% regularly go to a shrink.

78% would rather die quickly than live in a retirement home.

30% of us refuse to sit on a public toilet seat.

54.2% of us always wash our hands after using the toilet.

39% of us peek in our host’s bathroom cabinet. 17% have been caught by the host.

29% of us ignore RSVP.

71.6% of us eavesdrop.

22% are functionally illiterate.

Less than 10% are trilingual.

37% claim to know how to use all the features on their VCR.

53% prefer ATM machines over tellers.

56% of women do the bills in a marriage.

2 out of 3 of us wouldn’t give up their spouse even for a night for a million U.S. dollars.

20% of us have played in a band at one time in our life.

40% of us have had music lessons.

44% reuse tinfoil.

57% save pretty gift paper to reuse.

66% of women and 59% of men have used a mix to cook and taken credit for doing it from scratch.

53% read their horoscopes regularly.

16% of us have forgotten our own wedding anniversary (mostly men).

59% of us say we’re average-looking.

Blacks are more than twice as likely to call themselves beautiful.

90% of us depend on alarm clocks to wake us.

53% of us would take advice from Anne Landers.

51% of adults dress up for a Halloween festivity.

On average, we send 38 Christmas cards every year.

20% of women consider their parents to be their best friends.

2 out of 5 have married their first love.

The biggest cause of matrimonial fighting is money.

Only 4% asked the parents’ approval for their bride’s hand.

1 in 5 men proposed on his knees.

6% propose over the phone.

71% can drive a stick-shift car.

45% of us consistantly follow the speed limit.

2/3 of us speed up at a yellow light.

1/3 of us don’t wear seat belts.

12% of men never use their car blinkers.

44% of men tailgate to speed up the person in front of them.

25% of us drive after we’ve been drinking.

4 out of 5 sing in the car.

(this list was found at Aha! Jokes)

Parent Job Description

POSITION :
Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma
Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa, Pop

JOB DESCRIPTION :

  • Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work in an often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call.
  • Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities!
  • Travel expenses not reimbursed.
  • Extensive courier duties also required.


RESPONSIBILITIES :

  • The rest of your life.
  • Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5.
  • Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly.
  • Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf.
  • Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers.
  • Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects. Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks.
  • Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next.
  • Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices.
  • Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.
  • Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product.
  • Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION :

  • None.
  • Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you


PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE :

  • None required unfortunately.
  • On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.


WAGES AND COMPENSATION :

  • Get this! You pay them!
  • Offering frequent raises and bonuses.
  • A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent.
  • When you die, you give them whatever is left.
  • The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.


BENEFITS :

  • While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth, unconditional love, and free hugs and kisses for life if you play your cards right.