Category Archives: Quickie

Men, Quickie, Women

Daddy, How was I born?

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A little boy goes to his father and asks ‘Daddy, how was I born?’

The father answers, ‘Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other. There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:


You’ve Got Male!

Marriage, Men, Quickie, Women

Don’t piss off a woman

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One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, ‘Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in ‘Slim Fast.’ Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!’

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn’t let such a comment go without a punishment. The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. ‘What the Hell is this?’ he said to himself as a little ‘dust’ cloud appeared when he shook them out.

‘Alice!’ he hollered into the bathroom, ‘Why did you put Talcum Powder in my underwear?’

She replied with a snicker, ‘It’s not talcum powder; it’s ‘Miracle Grow’!!!!!’

Quickie

Pickup line

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A guy walked into a pub and immediately noticed a young lady at the bar on her own. After a couple of drinks, he decided to offer her a drink and make small talk.

“What’s your name?” he asked.

“Carmen,” she replied.

“That’s a nice name,” he said. “Did your mother or father name you that?”

“Neither,” she said. “I changed my name when I was 18 from Sharon to Carmen.”

“Why did you do that?” he asked.

“Well,” she explained, “I like men and I like cars, so that is how I got my name. What’s your name?”

“Beertits,” the man replied.

I found this joke at The Beer Goggler

Family, Quickie

Daughter explains Facebook to Dad

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Dad: I just don’t get why you kids use it so much.

Jessica: Dad, Facebook is all about social networking. I know this doesn’t make sense to you since you have like zero friends!

Dad: Your mother and I had the Busch’s over for dinner last night…

Jessica: Just come here and take a look. See, last week I added Jared Starnes-

Dad: That kid from your old grade school?

Jessica: Yep, exactly. You see, I haven’t talked to him in like years, but now we can…

*Jessica looks at the screen to find she isn’t allowed to view Jared’s pictures*

Jessica: Weird, it looks like he hasn’t been online to accept me yet.

Dad: It says he wrote that update thingy fifteen minutes ago, Jess.

Jessica: Hmm, must be a glitch in the system. One thing you’ll learn about Facebook is that it is super glitch! Alright, so anyway, I was just trying to prove the point that it helps you stay in touch with all types of friends. Dad, you know Samantha right?

Dad: The girl who comes around in those inappropriately short jean-shorts?

Jessica: No.

Dad: Then no…

Jessica: Well, see Facebook is how Samantha and I stay in touch between the times we see each other. Like, we can make wall-posts, or comment on each other’s photos, or …God damnit, Samantha! She freaking told me she would tell me the next time she went camping with Steve and Cody! I was the one who introduced her to them!

Dad: Who are Steve and Cody?

Jessica: No one! I’m just trying to show you that it helps you stay in touch with your friends! Whatever, I probably didn’t even want to go with them anyway.

*Jessica takes a deep breath and recollects herself*

Jessica: I’m just saying when you are young and have a lot of friends it can be a lot to handle. That’s why us popular kids need a way to keep in touch. Look, I have over 300 friends on-What the hell! 296!

*Jessica grabs the monitor and begins shaking it violently*

Jessica: I will find out who you deserters are, and you can better believe I won’t EVER like your stupid fallout boy quotes again!!!

Dad: I’m going to bed. Make sure to shut the windows before you go to sleep.

*The dad begins to walk up the stairs*

Jessica: Allison is on it.

*The footsteps going up the stairs come to a stop*

Dad: Short jean-shorts girl?

Jessica: Yep…

Dad: I’ll sign up tomorrow.

I originally found this on College Humor. My gut is that nearly every father of a teenage girl has had this same conversation.

Quickie

Cardiologist’s Funeral

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A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket was rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, ‘I am so sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral…. I’m a gynecologist.’

The proctologist fainted.

Blonde, Quickie, Women

Woman shot in the head

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Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Later, her husband noticed her sitting in her car in the driveway with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. He became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda’s eyes were now open and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she had been shot in the back of the head and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.

The husband called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head.

When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered.

Linda is blonde, a Democrat and an Obama supporter, but that could all be a coincidence.

Quickie

Clinton v. Titanic

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Students at a local high school were assigned to read two books, “Titanic” and “My Life” by former President Bill Clinton. One student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories! His professor gave him an A+ for this report:

Titanic: Cost – $29.99
Clinton: Cost – $29.99

Titanic: Over 3 hours to read
Clinton: Over 3 hours to read

Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe
Clinton: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe

Titanic: Jack is a starving artist
Clinton: Bill is a BS artist
Continue reading Clinton v. Titanic →

Men, Quickie

A change of perspective

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A group of 40 year old buddies discuss and discuss where they should meet for dinner.

Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen restaurant because the waitress’s there have low cut blouses and nice breasts.

10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the food there is very good and the wine selection is good also.

10 years later at 60 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant is smoke free.

10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the restaurant is wheel chair accessible and they even have an elevator.

10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because that would be a great idea because they have never been there before.

Marriage, Men, Quickie, Women

Olympic condoms

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A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of condoms – Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home, the man informs his wife of his new purchase.

“Olympic condoms?” she asks. “What makes them so special?”

“There are three colors,” he replies. “Gold, Silver and Bronze.”

“What color are you going to wear tonight?” she asks cheekily.

“Gold, of course,” says the man proudly.

The wife responds, “Really, why don’t you wear Silver?”

“Why silver?” asks the man.

“Well, it would be nice if you came second for a change.”

Marriage, Men, Quickie, Women

Husband Down

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A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.  The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

‘What do you think you’re doing?’ asks the wife.

‘They’re on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,’ he replies.

‘Put them back, we can’t afford them,’ demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

‘What do you think you’re doing?’ asks the husband.

‘Its my face cream.  It makes me look beautiful,’ replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: ‘So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it’s half the price.’

On the PA system: ‘Cleanup on aisle 25, we have a husband down…