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Category Archives: Quickie
Things your Mother would NEVER say
— Yeah, I used to cut class a lot too.
— Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I’ll be glad to feed and walk him every day.
— That outfit isn’t sexy enough, here, unbutton your blouse.
— Why don’t you hitchhike? It would totally be cheaper.
— The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It’s not like I’m running a prison around here.
— Don’t clean your room so often. It makes the rest of the house look bad.
— Can I borrow your new speed metal CDs?
— Naw, you don’t have to call me, I’ll eventually figure it out if you’re in trouble.
Golf Meditations
If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.
Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three.
No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse.
When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.
A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponents luck.
Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.
You can put “draw” on the ball, you can put “fade” on the ball, but no golfer can put “straight” on the ball.
Don’t buy a putter until you’ve had a chance to throw it.
Nine Ways NOT To Start Your Police Report
1. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times …
2. The names contained in this report have been changed to protect the innocent …
3. The mayor then made an illegal left hand turn onto Mulraney at which point I opened fire …
4. Before I get into the details, I’ve got a few “shout- outs” for my homeys in the command staff …
5. It was so dark and wet that night you could almost eat the mist. The radio call penetrated the eerie silence with such piercing intensity that for a moment, I was sure I’d lost my mind …
6. Got call. Responded. Arrested bad guy. The end.
7. Mye pertnar an eye wher on petrol wen we seen a man act suspishushly…
8. The suspect then tried to assault me by repeatedly slamming his face into my fist …
9. A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away …
Bank Name
Mother decided that 10-year-old Cathy should get something ‘practical’ for her birthday.
“Suppose we open a savings account for you?” mother suggested. Cathy was delighted.
“It’s your account, darling,” mother said as they arrived at the bank, “so you fill out the application.”
Cathy was doing fine until she came to the space for ‘Name of your former bank.’ After a slight hesitation, she put down ‘Piggy.’
Prince William will have a terrible bachelor party
It’s gotta be weird stuffing money into a stripper’s underwear when every note has a photo of your grandmother printed on it.
Tax day
Sorry, there is nothing funny about today. No humor today. I feel poor.
Check out our national debt to really ruin your day!
Famous athlete drinks
The most famous drink named after a professional athlete is the “Arnold Palmer”. It is half unsweetened iced tea, half lemonade. It is named for the golfer whose love of the concoction made it popular.
But are any other drinks named for athletes? Yes. Many, in fact. And unlike an Arnold Palmer, they’re all alcoholic drinks.
Consider trying all 14 for your next party!
JOHN DALY
Directions: Pour 14 cans of Busch Light into a bucket. Garnish with chicken wings.
BEN ROETHLISBERGER
Directions: Make a Sex On The Beach. Chase with a vigorous legal defense.
ALEXANDER OVECHKIN
Directions:Add one completely unnecessary shot of vodka to any drink.
TIM TEBOW
Directions: Fill a pint glass with vodka. Set aside for sterilization of circumcisions. Now pour glass of ice water and serve.
JOHN CALIPARI
Directions: Fill a champagne flute with champagne. Now vacate the champagne and sell the flute to the highest bidder.
LANE KIFFIN
Directions: Start making a martini. But quickly throw that out and make a margarita instead.
Brave firemen
A fire starts inside a chemical plant and the alarm goes out to fire departments miles around. After crews have been fighting the fire for over an hour, the chemical company president approached the fire chief and said, “All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved! I will give $100,000 to the engine company that brings them out safely!”
The crews try, but no one can get through. Then another fire truck, filled with a volunteer fire company of men over 65, comes roaring down the road and drives straight into the middle of the inferno. The other men watch unbelieving as the old timers hop off of their rig and heroically extinguish the fire, saving the secret formulas.
The company president walks over to reward the volunteers.
“What do you guys plan to do with the money?” the president asks the group.
The firetruck driver looks him right in the eye and answers, “Well, the first thing we’re going to do is fix the fucking brakes on that truck.”
A pirate at the bar
A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, “Hey, I haven’t seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible.”
“What do you mean?” said the pirate. “I feel fine.”
Bartender: “What about the wooden leg? You didn’t have that before.”
Pirate: “Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I’m fine now.”
Bartender: “Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?”
Pirate: “We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I am fine, really.”
Bartender: “What about that eye patch?”
Pirate: “Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them shit in my eye.”
“You’re kidding,” said the bartender, “You lost an eye just from bird shit?”