A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, “Hey, I haven’t seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible.”

“What do you mean?” said the pirate. “I feel fine.”

Bartender: “What about the wooden leg? You didn’t have that before.”

Pirate: “Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I’m fine now.”

Bartender: “Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?”

Pirate: “We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I am fine, really.”

Bartender: “What about that eye patch?”

Pirate: “Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them shit in my eye.”

“You’re kidding,” said the bartender, “You lost an eye just from bird shit?”

Pirate: “No. It was my first day with the hook.”