Monthly Archives: December 2011

Ethnic, Sarcasm

Math test

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Schools are finally starting to teach practical math that these kids can use in real-life situations.

NAME ____________________

GANG/CREW NAME ______________

CRIB _________________

1. Lajames has an AK-47 with a 200-round clip. He usually misses 6 of every 10 shots and he uses 13 rounds per drive- by shootin.  How many mofos can Lajames ice on a drive- by, before he gotta reload?

2. Leroy has 2 ounces of cocaine.  If he sells an 8 ball to Antonio for $320 and 2 grams to Juan for $85 per gram, what be the street value of the rest of his shit?

3. Dwayne pimps 3 ho’s.  If the price is $85 per trick, how many tricks per day must each ho turn to support Dwayne’s $800 per day Crack habit?

4. Raul wants to cut the pound of cocaine he bought for $40,000 to make 20% profit. How many ounce bags will he need to make to gets the 20% upside?

5. Ray-Ray gets $2000 for a stolen BMW, $1500 for stealing a Corvette, and $1000 for a 4 x 4.  If he steals 1 BMW, 2 Corvettes and 3 4×4’s, how many more Corvettes must he steal to make the 10k for his brother’s bail?

6. Pedro got 6 years for murder.  He also got $10,000 for the hit. If his common-law wife spends $100 of his hit money per month, how much money will be left when he gets out?

7. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can be sprayed with three 8 oz. Cans of spray paint with 20% paint left over?

8. Tyrone knocked up 4 girls in the gang. There be 20 girls in his gang.  What be the percentage of bitches Tyrone knocked up?

9. Lafwanda is a lookout for the gang.  Lafwanda also has a Boa Constrictor that eats 5 rats per week and a cost of $5 per rat.  If Lafwanda makes $700 a week as a lookout, how many weeks can she feed her snake with one week’s income?

10. Marvin steals Juan’s skateboard.  As Marvin skates away at 15mph, Juan loads his 357 Magnum piece.  If it takes Juan 20 seconds to load his piece, how far away will Marvin be when he gets whacked?

Men, Religion

Two brothers in the afterlife

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Once  upon a time there were two brothers. One brother was very mischievous, always getting into trouble. The other brother, however, was very good. He was always kind to animals, helped elderly neighbors, and led an exemplary life…..

As time went on, the brothers stayed in touch but were never close.  The evil brother became a heavy drinker and a womanizer.  The other brother was a devoted husband and father and supported many charities.

One day the evil brother died. Then, after a few years, the good brother passed away. He went to heaven and was rewarded with a happy afterlife.

One day he went to God and asked, "Where is my brother? He died before me, but I have not seen him here in heaven."

God  replied, "As you know, your brother led an evil life, so he is not spending eternity here in heaven. He has been sent elsewhere ."

I’m sorry to hear that", the good brother replied. "But I do miss him and wish I could see him again."

"You can see him if you wish," God said.  "I will give you the power to gaze into hell."

So the power was granted and the good brother gazed into hell. Before long he saw his brother sitting on a bench. In one arm he held a keg of beer, and in the other he cradled a gorgeous young blonde.

The good brother turned to God and said, "I can’t believe what I’m seeing. I have found my brother, and he has a keg of beer in one arm and a beautiful woman in the other. Surely, hell can not be that bad."

God explained. "Things are not always as they seem, my son. The keg has a hole in it. The blonde doesn’t."

Politics, Quickie

Kindred souls

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Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says, "Listen here good looking, I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, it doesn’t matter to me. I just love it."

Eyes now wide with interest, he responds, "No kidding. I’m in Congress too. What state are you from?"

Marriage, Men, Pregnancy, Quickie, Women

Pregnancy class

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The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly and was telling the men how to give the necessary assurance to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy.

She said "ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier!"

She looked at the men in the room, "and gentlemen, remember – you’re in this together —it wouldn’t hurt you to go walking with her."

The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information. Then a man at the back of the room slowly raised his hand.

"Yes?" answered the teacher.

"I was just wondering. Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk"?

Politics, Sarcasm

Two pictures–what an ego

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Here is what Obama needs set up to talk to a few school children.  Not much room for kids.  Still needs to have the teleprompters. The Secret Service guy in back keeps eyes out for any terrorist-type-8-year-old with tea-partying parents.

image

 

Here’s what the last guy needed…

image

 

Of course, it could be because the children with President Bush are actually smarter than the ones with President Obama.

Marriage

Sex after death

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A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death.

Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.

True to his word, he made the first contact:
" Marion … Marion "

"Is that you, Bob?"
"Yes, I’ve come back like we agreed."

"That’s wonderful! What’s it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it’s off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (you’d be proud – lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it’s back to golf course again. Then it’s more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again"

"Oh, Bob are you in Heaven?"

"No………..I’m a rabbit in Arizona .

Marriage, Women

Dying woman

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The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, "I’ve got some bad news. You have cancer, and you’d best put your affairs in order…"

The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.
"Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don’t go so well. In this case, things aren’t well. I have cancer. So, let’s head to the club and have a martini."

After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman’s old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.

The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end, "I’ve been diagnosed with AIDS ."

The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat.

After the friends left, the woman’s daughter leaned over and whispered, "Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that?"

"Because I don’t want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I’m gone."

 

And THAT, my friends, is what is called, "Putting Your Affairs In Order."