Jan 242012
 

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I’m still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you’ve been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he’d look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn’t get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn’t know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn’t sure whether it was his job or not.

Continue reading »

Jan 092012
 
  1. Sex is the safest tranquilizer in the world. It is 10 times more effective than valium!
  2. The word “gymnasium” comes from the Greek word gymnazein which means “to exercise naked.”
  3. The greatest recorded number of children one mother had was 69 children.
  4. Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England – but only in tropical fish stores.
  5. An adulterous Greek male was sometimes punished by the removal of his pubic hair and the insertion of a large radish into his rectum.
  6. In India it is cheaper to have sex with a prostitute than buy a condom!
  7. The “normal” person spends 600 hours having sex between the ages of 20 and 70.
  8. The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time television were: Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
  9. Americans spend twice as much money on porn than they do on cookies.
  10. Condoms exposed to smog and other pollutants,  are 25% less effective.
  11. The word, “Hockey” is Archaic slang for “semen.”
  12. People who chew a lot of ice have a higher sex drive.
  13. Women who read romance novels have sex twice as often as those who don’t.
  14. The Ramses brand condom is named after the great Phaoroh Ramses II who fathered over 160 children.
  15. Male bats have the highest rate of homosexuality of any mammal.
  16. 27% of women think money makes a man sexier.
  17. The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.
  18. 85% of men who die of heart-attacks during intercourse, are found to have been cheating on their wives.
  19. Male and female rats may have sex, up to twenty times a day.
  20. For every ‘normal’ webpage, there are five porn pages.

Continue reading »

 Posted by at 10:12 am  Tagged with:
Jan 072012
 

Entering a classroom at MCAS (Marine Corps Air Station) Yuma, a female Marine Captain encountered a clearly apathetic audience. She was selected to provide a full hour’s instruction on Iraqi electronic warfare capabilities to 150 Marine aviators who showed by their body language deep skepticism about her ability to teach war fighting skills to an all-male class.

She began by noting that her voice had just been tested to see if it was suitable for some new cockpit recorder messages for Marine aircraft. She said that unfortunately she had not been selected to be the new “Bitching Betty.” However, she said it was only fair to warn the audience the reason given for her non-selection was that an analysis of her voice pattern revealed that her particular voice had a tendency to lull to sleep any male homosexual within earshot.

Continue reading »

Jan 062012
 

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, "I cannot accept money from you, I’m doing community service this week." The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a ‘thank you’ card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, "I cannot accept money from you , I’m doing community service this week." The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a ‘thank you’ card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Continue reading »

Jan 052012
 

The Governor of New York is jogging with his dog along a nature trail.  A coyote jumps out, bites the Governor, and attacks his dog.

  1. The Governor starts to intervene, but reflects upon the movie "Bambi", then realizes he should stop, the coyote is only doing what’s natural.
  2. He calls Animal Control. Animal Control captures the coyote and bills the state $200 for testing it for diseases and $500 for relocating it.
  3. He calls a veterinarian. The vet collects the dead dog and bills the state $200 for testing it for disease.
  4. The Governor goes to a hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked for disease from the coyote and for getting his bite wound bandaged.
  5. The running trail is shut down for 6 months, while Fish & Game conducts their $100,000 survey to make sure the area is free of dangerous animals.
  6. The Governor next spends $150,000 in state funds, implementing a "Coyote Awareness" program for residents of the area.
  7. The State Legislature spends $2 million to study how to better treat rabies and how to permanently eradicate the disease, throughout the world.
  8. The Governor’s security agent is fired for not somehow stopping the attack and for letting the Governor attempt to intervene.
  9. Additional cost to State of New York : $175,000 to hire and train a new security agent with additional special training re: The Nature of Coyotes.
  10. PETA protests the coyote’s relocation and files suit against the state.

—————————————
Governor Brewer of Arizona is jogging, with her dog, along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks her dog.

Continue reading »

Jan 042012
 

Here’s a solution to all the controversy over full-body scanners at the  airports:

All we need to do is develop a booth that you can step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have hidden on or in your body. The explosion will be contained within the sealed booth.

This would be a win-win for everyone. There would be none of this crap about racial profiling and the device would eliminate long and expensive trials.

Continue reading »

Jan 032012
 

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won’t stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.  He replies: ‘I have a question to ask, but I don’t want to offend you.’

She answers, ‘ My son, you cannot offend me.  When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything.  I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.’

‘Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.’

She responds, ‘Well, let’s see what we can do about that:  #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.’

The cab driver is very excited and says, ‘Yes, I’m single and Catholic!’

‘OK’ the nun says.  ‘Pull into the next alley.’

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

‘My dear child,’ said the nun, ‘Why are you  crying?’ Continue reading »