I don’t use Siri but it has been in the news a lot. Siri is the “smart” assistant on the new Apple iPhone 4S. Evidently it can be quite helpful but it can also say some funny things. I have no idea if these are real or not but that doesn’t matter – they are funny.
Continue reading What Siri says
At dawn the telephone rings.
"Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."
"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead".
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"
"Si, Senor, that’s the one."
"Damn! That’s a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"
"From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod."
"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"
"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse. "
"Dead horse? What dead horse?"
"The thoroughbred, Senor Rod."
"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"
"Yes, Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."
"Are you insane? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor."
"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"
"The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."
"What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!"
"Yes, Senor Rod."
"But there’s electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"
"For the funeral, Senor Rod."
"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"
"Your wife’s, Senor Rod". She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Ping G15 204g titanium head golf club with the TFC 149D graphite shaft."
Continue reading From bad to worse
A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence/phrase is unexpected, which causes the reader or listener to reinterpret the first part. For example:
- The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it is still on my list.
- If I agreed with you, we would both be wrong.
- We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.
- War does not determine who is right, only who is left.
- I asked God for a bike but I know He does not work that way, so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
- Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
- The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
- The evening news usually begins with “Good evening” and then someone tells you why it isn’t.
- To steal an idea from one person is plagiarism; to steal ideas from many people is research.
- How can one careless match start a forest fire when it takes an entire box of matches to start a campfire?
- Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity they can train people to stand on the edge of a pool and throw them fish.
- I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
- Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars but check when you say the paint is wet?
- Behind every successful man is a woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
- You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
- You are never too old to learn something stupid.
In the middle of an argument a man said to his wife, "I don’t know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time!"
The wife responded calmly, "Allow me to explain…the good Lord made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; and he made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!"
There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!"
The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas."
When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!"
Continue reading Blind Man Visits Texas
A woman named Shirley was from Beverly Hills. One day, she had a heart attack and was taken to Cedars Sinai hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near-death experience. She saw God and asked, "Is this it?"
God said, "No, you have another 30 to 40 years to live."
Upon her recovery, she decided to stay in the hospital and have collagen shots, cheek implants, a face lift, liposuction and breast augmentation. She even had someone dye her hair. She figured since she had another 30 to 40 years, she might as well make the most of it.
Continue reading Shirley’s Makeover
Verne was teeing off from the men’s tee.
On his downswing, he realized that his wife, Joy, was teeing up on the woman’s tee directly in front of him. Unable to stop his swing, he nailed it, and hit her directly in the temple, killing her instantly.
A few days later, Verne got a call from the coroner regarding her autopsy.
Coroner: "Verne, your wife seemed to have died from blunt force trauma to the head. You said you hit a golf ball and hit her in the temple, is that correct?"
Continue reading Deadly golfer
Two young businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store in the shopping mall. As yet, the store wasn’t ready, with only a few shelves and display racks set up.
One said to the other, "I’ll bet that any minute now some senior is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we’re selling."
Sure enough, just a moment later, a curious senior gentleman walked up to the window, looked around intensely and rapped on the glass, then in a loud voice asked, "What are you sellin’ here?"
Continue reading SMART ASS
Curtis & Leroy saw an ad in the Starkville Daily Newspaper in Starkville, MS and bought a mule for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day.
The next morning the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news, the mule died last night."
Curtis replied, "well, then just give us our money back."
Continue reading Only one complains
I saw this over at Confident Investor and thought it was great.