5 pearls of Scottish Wisdom

Found this on a bulletin board.  Just so you don’t need to open the image, I am retyping them for your enjoyment.

  1. Money cannot buy happiness but somehow, its more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes Benz than it is on a bicycle.
  2. Forgive your enemy but remember the bastard’s name.
  3. Help a man when he is in trouble and he will remember you when he is in trouble again.
  4. Many people are alive only because it’s illegal to shoot them.
  5. Alcohol does not solve any problem, but then neither does milk.

Here is the image from the bulletin board:

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Hearing Problems?

A man told his doctor, “I don’t think my wife’s hearing is as good as it used to be. What should I do?”

The doctor replied, “Try this test first. When your wife is at the sink doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question. If she doesn’t respond, keep moving closer, asking the same question until she hears you.”

He went home and saw his wife preparing dinner. Standing fifteen feet behind her, he said, “What’s for dinner, honey?”

Hearing no reply, he moved up to ten feet behind her and repeated the question.

Still no reply, so he moved to five feet. Still no answer.

Finally he stood directly behind her and said, “Honey, what’s for dinner tonight?”

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First date

A while back, when I was considerably younger, I picked up a date at her parents’ home.

I’d scraped together some money to take her to a fancy restaurant. She ordered the most expensive items on the menu. Shrimp cocktail.  Lobster. Champagne .

I asked her, “Does your mother feed you like that when you eat at home?”

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8 signs that you are sick of Christmas

8. You’ve got red and green bags under your eyes

7. You’re serving reindeer pot pie

6. When you hear, “Sleigh bells ring, are you listenin’?,” you scream, “No! I’m not listening!”

5. You climb on your roof and start shooting carolers with your air gun

4. You think you hear your Christmas tree taunting you.

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A MAJOR MERGER IS ANNOUNCED

This just in from News Service:

A MAJOR MERGER IS ANNOUNCED

Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers and acquisitions, it was announced today at a press conference that Christmas and Chanukah will merge.

An industry source said that the deal had been in the works for about 1300 years, ever since the rise of the Muslim Empire. While details were not available at press time, it is believed that the overhead cost of having twelve days of Christmas and eight days of Chanukah was becoming prohibitive for both organizations. By combining forces, we’re told, the world will be able to enjoy consistently high-quality service during the Twenty Days of Christmukah, as the new holiday is being called. Massive layoffs are expected, with lords a-leaping and maids a-milking being the hardest hit.

As part of the conditions of the agreement, the letters on the dreydl, currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus becoming unintelligible to a wider audience. Also, instead of translating "A great miracle happened there," the message on the dreydl will be the more generic "Miraculous stuff happens." In exchange, it is believed that Jews will be allowed to use Santa Claus and his vast merchandising resources for buying and delivering gifts.

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13 Names That Men Call their Women

What’s in a name? Apparently, a lot more than you (or I) ever thought there was. Here’s what his pet name for you really means…..

  1. Darling — Depends on how he says it. If he stresses the first syllable, then he’s probably done something wrong or wants money.
  2. Dear — Probably a leftover from his parents. Expect him to wear woolly cardigans, smoke a pipe and prefer a mug of Ovaltine to lager.
  3. Sweetheart — If it’s said patronizingly, it’s not so sweet. But when uttered in earnest, it may send your own sweet heart aflutter.
  4. Babe — Not to be confused with the film of the same name. Check for flares or signs that he’s a 70s throwback. He’s a bit of a medallion man. Chances are he’s got his initials on his chunky ring. Leave immediately if he tries to sell you a second-hand car.
  5. Baby doll — This type of man will probably require you to wear transparent frilly nighties even in the dead of winter. He doesn’t want you to grow up, and obviously can’t deal with real women.
  6. Princess — Never trust a man who calls you princess. You may think you’re being treated like royalty, but beware of Prince Charmings – they may be secretly plotting your over- throw.
  7. Sexy — Fine if you’re sexy. If you’re not, who cares? He probably thinks you are anyway!!
    My girlfriend — He’s honest, open and probably glad to have you around. The next thing you know he’ll be using your name!
  8. The wife — If you’re married then he probably thinks he owns you. If you’re not, he probably thinks you act like his wife, in which case, he thinks he owns you.
  9. My other half — You complete the set – he’s only half a man without you. But it may make you feel as though you are losing your identity somewhere.
  10. The missus — See The Wife.
  11. My partner — He’s right on. Probably likes eating tofu and hugging trees.
  12. My significant other — He’s even more right on. Probably thinks it’s cruel to eat tofu and that trees need their own space.
  13. She who must be obeyed — He thinks you’re a nag, but probably doesn’t lift a finger around the house.

Temperature

CEO-type was in the hospital. For a week he’d made a complete nuisance of himself, irritating all the staff, shouting orders and demanding attention, complaining about the food, the bed, the temperature, the weather. Typical big shot.

One morning a nurse’s helper entered the room, saying, "Time to take your temperature, sir."

After growling that she was disturbing his nap, the guy finally opened his mouth for the thermometer.

"Sorry, sir," said the nurse, "but for this test we need your temperature from the other end."

After bitching about the embarrassment and inconvenience, the guy finally rolled over and bared his butt. After the nurse finished, she said, "Stay exactly like that and don’t move. I’ll be back in five minutes to check up on you."

The nurse left, leaving the door ajar. The guy’s back is to the door, and for over an hour, he hears people wandering up and down the hall, laughing. At length the guy’s doctor entered the room, saw the guy with his bare butt in the air and gawked. Finally, he asks, "What’s going on here?"

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A Free Ride

Three lawyers and three engineers are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three lawyers each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" wonders one of the lawyers. "Watch, and you’ll see," replies one of the engineers.

They all board the train. The lawyers take their respective seats while all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train departs, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The lawyers see this and agree it is quite a clever idea. After the conference, the lawyers decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don’t buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks one perplexed lawyer. "Watch, and you’ll see," replies one of the engineers.

 

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