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Sarcasm

SCHOOL — 1961 vs. 2011

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Scenario:
Jack goes quail hunting before school, pulls into school parking lot with shotgun in gun rack.
1961 – Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack’s shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.
2011 – School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counsellors called in for traumatized students and teachers.

Scenario:
Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.
1961 – Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
2011 – Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.
Scenario:
Jeffrey won’t be still in class, disrupts other students.
1961 – Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by the Principal. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2011 – Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra money from state because Jeffrey has a disability.

Scenario:
Billy breaks a window in his neighbor’s car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.
1961 – Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.
2011 – Billy’s dad is arrested for child abuse.  Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang..  State psychologist tells Billy’s sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison.  Billy’s mom has affair with psychologist.

Scenario :
Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.
1961 – Mark shares aspirin with Principal out on the smoking dock.
2011 – Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario:
Pedro fails high school English.
1961 – Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.
2011 – Pedro’s cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro’s English teacher.   English banned from core curriculum.  Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.

Scenario:
Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from 4th of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a red ant bed.
1961 – Ants die.
2011 – BATF, Homeland Security, FBI called. Johnny charged with  domestic terrorism, FBI investigates parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated, Johnny’s Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario:
Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary.  Mary hugs him to comfort him.
1961 – In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2011 – Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison.  Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.

Quickie

Treat seniors like criminals

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Let’s put the seniors in jail and the criminals in a nursing home.

This way the seniors would have access to showers, hobbies and walks.

They’d receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical treatment, wheel chairs etc and they’d receive money instead of paying it out.

They would have constant video monitoring, so they could be helped instantly, if they fell, or needed assistance.

Bedding would be washed twice a week, and all clothing would be ironed and returned to them.

A guard would check on them every 20 minutes and bring their meals and snacks to their cell.

They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose.

They would have access to a library, weight room, spiritual counseling, pool and education.

Simple clothing, shoes, slippers, PJ’s and legal aid would be free, on request.

Private, secure rooms for all, with an exercise outdoor yard, with gardens.

Each senior could have a PC a TV radio and daily phone calls.

There would be a board of directors to hear complaints, and the guards would have a code of conduct that would be strictly adhered to.

The "criminals" would get cold food, be left all alone and unsupervised. Lights off at 8pm, and showers once a week. Live in a tiny room and pay $900.00 per month and have no hope of ever getting out.

Men, Quickie, Women

Calories burned during sex

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The new year always brings many resolutions. Many of these resolutions include more exercise and losing weight. If this is your goal, hopefully the following information will assist you. But remember, if you don’t have a partner, you don’t need to worry because there are other options out there for you. For example, a custom sex doll if you should wish to invest in one.

The Act of Insertion

If the man is ready (same vice-versa)

1/4 calories
If the woman is not (same vice-versa)

274 calories

Satisfying Partner (organ size)

Most experts agree that size means nothing. Shape is what counts, and the man with a shaped organ can write his own ticket. In those rare instances where a man has a genuinely small member, he may have to compensate by working slightly harder, but this is good for weight loss. A man with a really large organ, while he might not have to work as hard once inside, may exhaust himself just trying to convince his partner to let him put it inside.

Normal size

22 calories
Oversize

15 calories
Tremendous

8 calories
Teensy-weensy

163 calories

Positions

Man on top, woman on bottom (facing each other)

20 calories
Woman on top, man on bottom
(Many women find that in addition to its inherent sexual possibilities, this position affords a better view of the clock.)

25 calories
From the rear (Mysterious variation)

40 1/2 calories
Standing: Both partners of equal height

18 calories
Standing: Woman 1 foot taller than a man

90 calories
While in traction
(very useful during ski season)

124 calories

Locations

On a bar stool

20 calories
Rear of a Honda Civic

38 calories
In a phone booth, standing

14 calories
In a phone booth, lying down

274 calories
On an airliner, aisle seat

24 calories
On an airliner, middle seat

42 calories
On an airliner, window seat

30 calories
On an airliner, in the lavatory

100 calories

Possible Side Effects of Intercourse

Bouncing

7 calories
Sliding around

9 calories
Serious Skidding

12 calories
Full cartwheel

20 calories
Whiplash

27 calories
Knee burn

6 calories
Chafed elbows

5 calories
Chafed nose

11 calories

Sex Related Noises

Short gasps (per gasp)

3 calories
Wheezing

5 calories
Squeals

4 calories
Ecstatic moaning

11 calories
Low growling

8 calories
Squishing

10 calories
Shouting

16 calories
Screaming

18 calories
Urgent begging

22 calories
Any short speech giving partner directions
(“Please don’t stop,” “Faster,” “Just a little more” are common examples.)

25 calories

Approaching Orgasm

Letting go

5.5 calories
Controlling yourself

79 calories
Digging nails into your partner’s back

11 calories
Trembling

15 calories
Shaking

20 calories
Shuddering

25 calories
Trying to keep eyes open

33 calories
Orgasm
Real

27 calories
Faked

160 calories

Orgasmic Intensity Scale

Expression didn’t change

1/2 calorie
Face turned purple

15 calories
Orchestra swelled

6 calories
Magical explosions

10 calories
Blazing Sheets

25 calories
Earth moved

30 calories
Vesuvius erupted

47 calories
You began moaning in Latin

60 calories

Pulling Out

After orgasm

1/4 calorie
A few moments before orgasm

500 calories

Multiple Orgasms

For women:

2

14 calories
5

30 calories
8

47 calories

(Depending on greed her rate of recovery a woman can enjoy around 8 orgasms within an hour period without losing consciousness or disarranging her hair. Of course this could be a lot more if the positionings are correct, there’s been more calories burned and orgasms achieved when the female is strapped into a sex swing, providing the male was to choose a secure location to attach to. As the number increases, however, she may begin to experience a form of “reduced sanity” that will temporarily interfere with her ability to cook, worship ,and ride a Moped.)

For Men:

2

21 calories
3

39 calories
4

57 calories

(For a man, its a different situation, perhaps due to physiological and biological reasons. Many men can enjoy up to 4 orgasms in an hour with little discomfort except for the slight ringing in the ears. With few exceptions, however, a man who tries to achieve more than 10 orgasms within that same period is flirting with irreversible brain damage.)

Special Orgasms

Clitoral

15 calories
Vaginal

21 calories
Penile

21 calories
Scrotile

15 calories
Rectal

25 calories
Oral
(can also occur during an especially good meal)

30 calories

Premature Ejaculation*

During insertion

2 calories
During intercourse
(Approximately. 2 sec’s or 3 thrusts after insertion, whichever comes first.)

5 calories
During foreplay

3 calories
Immature ejaculation
(Similar to premature ejaculation except male acts childish and throws a tantrum.)

4 calories

Consequences of Premature Ejaculation

Even if you have a good heart, it takes much understanding not to feel like a victim when your partner climaxes after 3 sec’s of intensive sex, especially if he immediately sits up to watch the football on tv. It is thus advisable to consult a doctor for your condition, or scourge through online pharmacies like Menschem to buy sildenafil online, and attempt to treat it. Because, your partner’s pleasure does matter as much as yours!

For Women

Frustration

8 calories
Anger

15 calories
Violent mood swing

20 calories
Surpressing rage

25 calories
Not surpressing anger
(In extreme cases, this can include cursing, nose tweaks, and gently massaging partner’s head with a tire iron.)

65 calories

For Men:

Cursing

10 calories
Apologising

3 calories
Snivelling

5 calories
Pleading for mercy

8 calories
Begging for another chance
(Note how unfair: Men never seem to mind if a woman has an orgasm after 3 seconds of sex.)

15 calories

Possible Side Effects of Good Sex

The first indication that sex was a positive experience will be a buzzing in the pelvic area and a clear complexion. You might also feel pleasantly light, as though you were dozing in a vat of cream cheese. If sex was really terrific, you feel dangerously drained, as though your body had been connected to a large milking machine for several days. Additional reactions include:

Swooning

6 calories
Palpitations

10 calories
Shortness of breath

5 calories
Perspiring

8 calories

Possible Side Effects of Bad Sex

A less-than-sunny desposition

1 calorie

Recovering

Un-entwining

3 calories
Regaining motor control of pevis
(After especially tiring sex, you may feel numb from below the waist to the opposite wall. The result will be an inability to walk [put one foot in front of the other], which will seriously impair your chances of going to the bathroom or getting some juice.)

7 calories
Standing up

9 calories
Getting some juice

11 calories

Rolling Over and Going to Sleep

After intercourse
(Classic behavior for shiftiness men who believe they’ve done their job and are now entilted to a rest. This “rest” may include snoring.)

18 calories
During intercourse
(Women find this to be a subtle, yet direct way of suggesting dissatisfaction.)

32 calories
During foreplay
(Indicates either an advance case of fatigue or a serious lack of interest.)

12 calories
Avoiding the wet spot

80 calories

Trying Again

If the woman is ready

5 calories
If the man is not

156 calories

Dreaming

Regular dream

2 calories
Wet Dream
Add 5 calories if it occurs while in bed with your partner;
Add 20 calories if your partner notices

16 calories
Wet Trance
(Usually occurs in the presence of a sensual hypnotist.)

20 calories

Group Sex

Introducing yourself

3 calories
Overcoming shyness

8 calories
Swapping partners, willingly

4 calories
Swapping partners, unwillingly

62 calories
Jealousy
(Partner having more fun than you are)

16 calories
Mixed doubles

26 calories
Being nice to everyone

100 calories
Anger
(You suddenly realize that you’re wanted for you body and not your mind. Difficult to cope with, especially if you have a Ph.D.)

10 calories
Finding your clothes

5 calories

Masturbation

For pleasure only

6 calories
For exercise, too

10 calories
For relief from tension

12 calories
To pass the time

7 calories
To avoid overeating

16 calories
To get in touch with inner self

10 calories
To get in touch with outter self

10.5 calories
To avoid insanity

24 calories
To avoid spending money on a date
(In addition to being a viable alternative to television, shopping, and binges, masturbation is a quick and inexpensive way to get warm.)

9 calories
Using your hand(s)

11 calories
Using your finger(s)

9 calories
Using tweezers

2 calories
Using an inflatable doll

24 calories
Using Any fruit or vegetable
(Except watermelon or a sprig of parsley)

19 calories
Using a vibrator, hand-operated

12 calories
Using a vibrator, windup

9 calories
Using a vibrator, electric

5 calories
Using anything not mentioned here

50 calories
In a pornographic movie theater – purchasing the ticket

2.5 calories
In a pornographic movie theater – finding isolated seat

78 calories
In a pornographic movie theater – adjusting raincoat

3 calories

Typical Sex-Related Fears

Partner hates me for what I did

4 calories
Partner hates me for what I didn’t do

8 calories
Forgetting the instructions in the sex manual

10 calories
Climaxing too soon

5 calories
Climaxing too late

6 calories
Not climaxing

20 calories
Partner thinks of me as a sex object

9 calories
Partner doesn’t think of me as a sex object

47 calories
Partner will neglect to adminster last rites should I not recover from orgasm

88 calories

Personal Fears

Gigantic cellulite that shake and ripple during orgasm

6 calories
Stretch marks that look like a plowed field

8 calories
Penis envy

72 calories
Body odor of a disgruntled yak

25 calories

Getting Caught

By partner’s spouse

60 calories
By your spouse

60.5 calories
Trying to explain

165 calories
Stuttering

28 calories
Throwing up
(Calorie counts here are flexible, depending on type of spouse-whether understanding and open-minded, or narrow-minded and armed)

40 calories

Almost Getting Caught

Trying to remain calm

100 calories
Fright (includes trembling)

66 calories
Leaping out of bed

25 calories
Getting dressed in one large motion

300 calories
Thanking partner quickly

2 calories
Jumping out of window
(add 5 calories if window wasn’t open)

15 calories
Landing

1 calorie
Running very fast

50 calories

I found this at Off-Color Humor

Blonde

Blonde paint job

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A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

“Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?”

The blonde said, “How about 50 dollars?” The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man’s wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, “Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?” The man replied, “She should. She was standing on the porch.”

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

“You’re finished already?” he asked. “Yes,” the blonde answered, “and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.”

Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. “And by the way,” the blonde added, “that’s not a Porch, it’s a Ferrari.”

(This joke was originally found at CoolFunnyJokes.com)

Quickie

Facts about Americans. Did you know that . . .

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Only 30% of us can flare our nostrils.

21% of us don’t make our bed daily. 5% of us never do.

Men do 29% of laundry each week. Only 7% of women trust their husbands to do it correctly.

40% of women have hurled footwear at a man.

67.5% of men were tightie whities (briefs).

3 out of 4 of us store our dollar bills in rigid order with singles leading up to higher denominations.

13% of us admit to occassionally doing our offspring’s homework.

91% of us lie regularly.

27% admit to cheating on a test or quiz.

29% admit they’ve intentionally stolen something from a store.

50% admit they regularly sneak food into movie theaters to avoid the high prices of snack foods.

90% believe in divine retribution.

10% believe in the 10 Commandments.

82% believe in an afterlife.

45% believe in ghosts.

13% (mostly men) have spent a night in jail.

58.4% have called into work sick when we weren’t.

10% of us switch tags in the store to pay less for an item.

Over 50% believe in spanking – but only a child over 2 years old.

35% give to charity at least once a month.

How far would you go for $10 million? 25% would abandon their friends, family, and church. 7% would murder.

69% eat the cake before the frosting.

When nobody else is around, 47% drink straight from the carton.

85% of us will eat Spam this year.

70% of us drink orange juice daily.

Snickers is the most popular candy.

22% of us skip lunch daily.

9% of us skip breakfast daily.

66% of us eat cereal regularly.

22% of all restaurant meals include french fries.

14% of us eat the watermelon seeds.

Only 13% brush our teeth from side to side.

45% use mouthwash every day.

22% leave the glob of toothpaste in the sink.

The typical shower is 101 degrees F.

Nearly 1/3 of U.S. women color their hair.

9% of women and 8% of men have had cosmetic surgery.

53% of women will not leave the house without makeup on.

58% of women paint their nails regularly.

33% of women lie about their weight.

10% of us claim to have seen a ghost.

57% have had deja vu.

49% believe in ESP.

44% have broken a bone.

Only 30% of us know our cholesterol level.

14% have attended a self-help meeting.

15% regularly go to a shrink.

78% would rather die quickly than live in a retirement home.

30% of us refuse to sit on a public toilet seat.

54.2% of us always wash our hands after using the toilet.

39% of us peek in our host’s bathroom cabinet. 17% have been caught by the host.

29% of us ignore RSVP.

71.6% of us eavesdrop.

22% are functionally illiterate.

Less than 10% are trilingual.

37% claim to know how to use all the features on their VCR.

53% prefer ATM machines over tellers.

56% of women do the bills in a marriage.

2 out of 3 of us wouldn’t give up their spouse even for a night for a million U.S. dollars.

20% of us have played in a band at one time in our life.

40% of us have had music lessons.

44% reuse tinfoil.

57% save pretty gift paper to reuse.

66% of women and 59% of men have used a mix to cook and taken credit for doing it from scratch.

53% read their horoscopes regularly.

16% of us have forgotten our own wedding anniversary (mostly men).

59% of us say we’re average-looking.

Blacks are more than twice as likely to call themselves beautiful.

90% of us depend on alarm clocks to wake us.

53% of us would take advice from Anne Landers.

51% of adults dress up for a Halloween festivity.

On average, we send 38 Christmas cards every year.

20% of women consider their parents to be their best friends.

2 out of 5 have married their first love.

The biggest cause of matrimonial fighting is money.

Only 4% asked the parents’ approval for their bride’s hand.

1 in 5 men proposed on his knees.

6% propose over the phone.

71% can drive a stick-shift car.

45% of us consistantly follow the speed limit.

2/3 of us speed up at a yellow light.

1/3 of us don’t wear seat belts.

12% of men never use their car blinkers.

44% of men tailgate to speed up the person in front of them.

25% of us drive after we’ve been drinking.

4 out of 5 sing in the car.

(this list was found at Aha! Jokes)

Ethnic, Quickie, Redneck

You know your from Manitoba, Canada, when….

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1. You only know three spices – salt, pepper and ketchup.

2. You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.

3. The mosquitoes have landing lights.

4. You have more miles on your snowblower than your car.

5. You have 10 favourite recipes for moose meat.

6. Canadian Tire on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores at Christmas.

7. You live in a house that has no front step, yet the door is one meter above the ground.

8. You’ve taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard.

9. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in with snow.

10. You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car.

11. The local paper covers national and international headlines on 1/4 page, but requires 6 pages for sports.

12. At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant.

13. The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun.

14. Your snowblower gets stuck on the roof.

15. You think the start of moose season is a national holiday.

16. You head south to go to your cottage.

17. You frequently clean grease off your barbeque so the bears won’t prowl on your deck.

18. You know which leaves make good toilet paper.

19. The major parish fund-raiser isn’t bingo – it’s sausage making.

20. You find -40C a little chilly.

21. The trunk of your car doubles as a deep freezer.

22. You attend a formal event in your best clothes, your finest jewelry and your Sorels.

23. You can play road hockey on skates.

24. You know 4 seasons – Winter, Still Winter, almost Winter and Construction.

25. The municipality buys a Zamboni before a bus.

(This was originally found on Aha! Jokes)

Irony

EVER WONDER ……

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Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

**************
Why can’t women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

**************
Why don’t you ever see the headline ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?

**************
Why is ‘abbreviated’ such a long word?

**************
Why is it that doctors call what they do ‘practice’?

**************
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

**************
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

**************
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

**************
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

**************
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

**************
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

**************
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

**************
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

**************
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

**************
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

**************
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Redneck

Martha Stewart’s tips for rednecks

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GENERAL:
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It’s considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you’re certain that you are included in the will, it is still rude to drive the U-Haul to the funeral home.

DINING OUT:
1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to “bruise” the fruit of the vine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your hands.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME:
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners are.

PERSONAL HYGIENE:
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one’s OWN truck keys.
2. Even if you live alone, deodorant is not a waste of good money.
3. Use of proper toiletries can only delay bathing for a few days.
4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman’s jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

DATING (Outside the Family):
1. Always offer to bait your date’s hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be assertive. Let her know you’re interested: “I’ve been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago.”
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM. Others might say “Monday.” If the latter is the answer, it is the man’s responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATRE ETIQUETTE:
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can’t hear you..

WEDDINGS:
1. Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say “yes” to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE:
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires does not always have the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.
5. Do not lay rubber while travelling in a funeral procession

Finally, Guns don’t kill people…..Drivers with cellphones do.