Category Archives: Redneck

Quickie, Redneck

Gun shopping at Dick’s

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Gun Control. It has already started at Dick’s Sporting Goods. When I was ready to pay for my purchases of a new rifle and bullets, the cashier said, “Strip down, facing me.”

Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control whackos running amok, I did just as she had instructed.

When the hysterical shrieking, security, and alarms finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to how I should place my credit card in the card-reader. I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future. They need to make their instructions to us seniors a little clearer!

I STILL DON’T THINK I LOOKED THAT BAD NAKED.

Ethnic, Politics, Quickie, Redneck

Two families from Afghanistan move to USA

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Two families moved from Afghanistan to America . When they arrived, the two fathers made a bet: In a year’s time, whichever family had become more Americanized would win.

A year later they met.

The first man said, “My son is playing baseball, I had McDonald’s for breakfast and I’m on my way to pick up a case of Bud… how about you?” Continue reading Two families from Afghanistan move to USA →

Family, Quickie, Redneck

Tips from the Book of Redneck Manners

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Over-riding rules from the Book of Redneck Manners

  1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
  2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
  3. It’s considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.
  4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
  5. Even if you’re certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

Dining Out

  1. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
  2. Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the restaurant may not have dogs.

Entertaining In Your Home

  1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
  2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners are.

Personal Hygiene

  1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one’s OWN truck keys
  2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
  3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman’s jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

Dating (outside the family)

  1. Always offer to bait your date’s hook, especially on the first date.
  2. Be aggressive. Let her know you’re interested: ‘I’ve been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago.’
  3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say ‘Monday.’ If the latter is the answer, it is the man’s responsibility to get her to school on time.
  4. Always have a positive comment about your date’s appearance, such as, ‘Ya’ll sure don’t sweat much for a fat gal.’

Weddings

  1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
  2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
  3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create too sporty an appearance.
  4. Though uncomfortable, say ‘yes’ to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
  5. It is not appropriate to tell the groom how good his wife is in the sack.

Driving Etiquette

  1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.
  2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
  3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
  4. When sending your wife/girlfriend down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
  5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
  6. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

 

Bonus treat: Two Reasons why it is hard to solve a Redneck Murder:

  1. All the DNA is the same.
  2. There are no dental records
Quickie, Redneck

Redneck saves a woman’s life

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Two rednecks walk into a restaurant. While having a bite they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly a women at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in distress.

One of the rednecks looks at her and says, “Kin ya swaller?” The women shakes her head no.

Then he asks “kin ya breathe?” The women begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.

The redneck walks over to the women, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, the obstruction flies out of her mouth, and she begins to breathe again.

The redneck walks slowly back to his table. His partner says “‘ya know, I’d heerd about that there hind lick maneuver… but I ain’t never seen nobody DO it!”

Quickie, Redneck

Sophisticated Minnesota man visits redneck bar in West Virginia

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A guy walks into a bar down in West Virginia and orders a white wine.

All the hillbillies sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see some pitiful Yankee from the north.

The bartender says, “You ain’t from around here, are ya?”

The guy says, “No, I’m from Minnesota .”

The bartender says, “What do you do in Minnesota ?”

The guy says, “I’m a taxidermist.”

The bartender says, “A taxidermist? What in tarnation is a taxidermist? Do you drive a taxi?”

“No, a taxidermist doesn’t drive a taxi. I mount animals.”

The bartender grins and hollers, “It’s okay boys. He’s one of us.”

Quickie, Redneck

A cop waits to arrest drunk

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Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Kentucky. After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar apparently so intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it.  He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off–it was a fine, dry summer night–flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights.

He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons’ vehicles left.

At last when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.

The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test. To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all! Continue reading A cop waits to arrest drunk →

Quickie, Redneck

Bar story

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A guy walks into a bar in Benton, Arkansas and orders a white wine.  All the hillbillies sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see some pitiful Yankee from the north.

The bartender says, "You ain’t from around here, are ya?"

The guy says, "No, I’m from Canada …"

The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada ?" The guy says, "I’m a taxidermist."

The bartender says, "A taxidermist? What in tarnation is a taxidermist? Do you drive a taxi?"

"No, a taxidermist doesn’t drive a taxi. I mount animals."

The bartender grins and hollers, "It’s okay boys. He’s one of us."