Category Archives: Animals
Eagle rules the skies and takes out drone
Not sure why this eagle attacked.
- The drone was going to be too close to the nest.
- The eagle thought it was food.
- The eagle thought it was a territorial threat.
Either way
Drone – 0
Eagle – 1
The attack of Spider Dog!
How to rid your deck of squirrels
How to spot a meth lab
Coyote problem solved by different Governors
The Governor of New York is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out, bites the Governor, and attacks his dog.
- The Governor starts to intervene, but reflects upon the movie "Bambi", then realizes he should stop, the coyote is only doing what’s natural.
- He calls Animal Control. Animal Control captures the coyote and bills the state $200 for testing it for diseases and $500 for relocating it.
- He calls a veterinarian. The vet collects the dead dog and bills the state $200 for testing it for disease.
- The Governor goes to a hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked for disease from the coyote and for getting his bite wound bandaged.
- The running trail is shut down for 6 months, while Fish & Game conducts their $100,000 survey to make sure the area is free of dangerous animals.
- The Governor next spends $150,000 in state funds, implementing a "Coyote Awareness" program for residents of the area.
- The State Legislature spends $2 million to study how to better treat rabies and how to permanently eradicate the disease, throughout the world.
- The Governor’s security agent is fired for not somehow stopping the attack and for letting the Governor attempt to intervene.
- Additional cost to State of New York : $175,000 to hire and train a new security agent with additional special training re: The Nature of Coyotes.
- PETA protests the coyote’s relocation and files suit against the state.
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Governor Brewer of Arizona is jogging, with her dog, along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks her dog.
- The Governor shoots the coyote with her state-issued pistol and keeps jogging. The Governor has spent $0.50 on a .45 ACP hollow-point cartridge.
- Arizona buzzards eat the dead coyote.
And that, my friends, is why New York is broke!
Top Ten Reasons Why Dogs Are Better Pets Than Cats
- Dogs will tilt their heads and try to understand every word you say. Cats will ignore you and take a nap.
- Cats look silly on a leash.
- When you come home from work, your dog will be happy and lick your face. Cats will still be mad at you for leaving in the first place.
- Dogs will give you unconditional love until the day they die. Cats will make you pay for every mistake you’ve ever made since the day you were born
- A dog knows when you’re sad. And he’ll try to comfort you. Cats don’t care how you feel, as long as you remember where the can opener is.
- Dogs will bring you your slippers. Cats will drop a dead mouse in your slippers.
- When you take them for a ride, dogs will sit on the seat next to you. Cats have to have their own private basket, or they won’t go at all.
- Dogs will come when you call them. And they’ll be happy. Cats will have someone take a message and get back to you.
- Dogs will play fetch with you all day long. The only thing cats will play with all day long are small rodents or bugs, preferably ones that look like they’re in pain. I suppose the upside to this is you don’t have to spend any money hiring in a pest control company like https://www.pestcontrolexperts.com/local/california/vallejo/ because your cat will have you covered.
- Dogs will wake you up if the house is on fire. Cats will quietly sneak out the back door.
From bad to worse
At dawn the telephone rings.
"Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."
"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead".
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"
"Si, Senor, that’s the one."
"Damn! That’s a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"
"From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod."
"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"
"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse. "
"Dead horse? What dead horse?"
"The thoroughbred, Senor Rod."
"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"
"Yes, Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."
"Are you insane? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor."
"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"
"The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."
"What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!"
"Yes, Senor Rod."
"But there’s electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"
"For the funeral, Senor Rod."
"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"
"Your wife’s, Senor Rod". She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Ping G15 204g titanium head golf club with the TFC 149D graphite shaft."
SILENCE………..LONG SILENCE………VERY LONG SILENCE.
"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you’re in deep shit."
Why Some Men Have Dogs… And Not Wives
- The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.
- Dogs don’t notice if you call them by another dog’s name.
- Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
- A dog’s parents never visit.
- Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
- You never have to wait for a dog; they’re ready to go 24 hours a day.
- Dogs find you amusing when you’re drunk.
- Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
- A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"
- If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
- A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.
- If a dog smells another dog on you, they don’t get mad. They just think it’s interesting.
- Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.
- And last, but certainly not least: If a dog leaves, it won’t take half of your stuff.
Ultimate True Test: Lock your wife and your dog in the trunk of your car for an hour. Then open the trunk and see who’s the happiest to see you.