Category Archives: Marriage
The Way Women Think
Husband’s Text Message to wife:
Honey, I got hit by a car outside the office. Paula brought me to the Hospital. Doctors presently doing tests and taking X-rays. Severe blow to my head but not likely to have any lasting effects. Wound required 19 stitches. I have three broken ribs, a broken arm and compound fracture in the left leg. Amputation of the right foot is a possibility.
Love you……
Wife’s Response:
Who is Paula?
Valentines Day advice: The secret to a successful relationship
The magic dildo
A businessman was preparing to go on a long business trip, so he thought he’d buy his wife something to keep her occupied. He went to a sex shop and explained his situation, in hope that there would be a selection of dildos to choose from.
The man there said, “Well, I don’t know that I have anything that will keep her occupied for so many weeks, except……. the Magic Penis!”
The husband said, “The……..what”?
The salesman repeated, “The Magic Penis,” and pulled out what seemed to be an ordinary dildo.
The husband laughed, and said, “It looks like an ordinary dildo!”
The man then pointed to the door and said, ” Magic Penis, door!”
The penis rose out of its box, darted over to the door and started pounding away at the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with vibrations, so much so, that a crack began to form down the middle.
Then the salesman said, “Magic Penis, return to box!” and the penis stopped and returned to the box.
The husband bought it and took it home to his wife and explained how to use it.
After the husband had been gone a few days, the wife remembered the Magic Penis. She undressed, opened the box and said “Magic Penis, my crotch.” The penis shot to her crotch. It was absolutely incredible.
After three mind shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she’d had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck. Her husband had neglected to tell her how to turn it off so she put her clothes on, got in her car and started for the closest hospital.
On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road. A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she’d had to drink.
Pregnancy and golfing
The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands. The instructor said, “Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path.”
“Gentlemen, remember — you’re in this together. It wouldn’t hurt you to go walking with her.
In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both.”
The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information.
After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.
“Yes?” said the Instructor.
“I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?”
Brings a tear to your eye doesn’t it?
This kind of sensitivity just can’t be taught.
A touching Christmas Story about Christmas shopping …
A married couple had been out Christmas shopping at the mall for most of the afternoon. Suddenly, the wife realized that her husband had “disappeared.”
The somewhat irate spouse called her husband on his cell phone, and demanded: “Where the hell are you?”
Husband: “Darling, do you remember that jewelry shop where you saw the diamond necklace, and totally fell in love with it? I didn’t have money that time, and said…Baby, it will be yours one day.”
Wife–with a smile…and blushing: “Yes, I remember that, my Love.”
Husband: “Well, I’m in the bar next to that shop.”
Christmas golf
A regular foursome was playing their weekly game of golf; one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.
His buddies all chimed in said, “Let’s do it! We’ll make it a priority; figure out a way and meet here early, Christmas morning.”
Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course. The first guy says, “Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife a diamond ring that she can’t take her eyes off.”
The second guy says, “I spent a ton too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures.”
The third guy says “Well, my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual.”
They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds.
“I can’t believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the butt and said, ‘Well babe, Merry Christmas! It’s a great morning — intercourse or golf course –‘
She said, “Don’t forget your sweater.”
Flying lessons failed my ex-wife (gruesome pictures) [Happy Halloween]
My ex-wife started taking flying lessons about the time our divorce started and she got her license shortly before our divorce was final, later that same year.
Yesterday afternoon, she narrowly escaped injury in the aircraft she was piloting when she was forced to make an emergency landing in Southern Tennessee because of bad weather. Thank God our kids were with me at the Beach House this weekend. The absence of a post-crash fire was due to insufficient fuel on board. No one on the ground was injured.
She was evidently flying for a meeting that was going to be held at midnight tonight.
The photograph below was taken at the scene shows the extent of damage to her aircraft.
She was very lucky.
HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!
Morning sex has a great purpose
She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only The ‘T’ shirt that she normally slept in. As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, “You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!” My eyes lit up and I thought, “I am either still dreaming or this is going to be a very good day! I love morning sex!”
Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table. Afterwards she said, “Thanks”, and returned to the stove with her T-shirt still up around her neck. Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, “Not that I am complaining since I love morning sex, but what was that all about?”
She explained, “The egg timer’s broken.”
Image courtesy of zole4 at FreeDigitalPhotos.net
Today is my 40th wedding anniversary
After being married for 40 years, I took a
careful look at my wife and said,
“Forty years ago we had a cheap house, a
junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a
10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep
every night with a hot 23-year-old girl. Now …. I have a $500,000.00 home, a $35,000.00
car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but
I’m sleeping with a 63-year-old woman. It seems
to me that you’re not holding up your side of things.”
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me
to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she
would make sure that I would once again be living
in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on
a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and
white TV.
Aren’t older women great? They really know
how to solve an old guy’s problems.