Category Archives: Sports
The Jewish Quarterback
The coach had put together the perfect team for the Baltimore Ravens. The only thing missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn’t find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.
Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in the West Bank . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Israeli soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away. KABOOM!
He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney. KA-BLOOEY!
Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph. BULLS-EYE!
“I’ve got to get this guy!” Coach said to himself. “He has the perfect Arm!”
So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Ravens go on to win the Super Bowl.
The young man is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.
“Mom,” he says into the phone, “I just won the Super Bowl!”
“I don’t want to talk to you, the old woman says.” You are not my son!”
“I don’t think you understand, Mother,” the young man pleads. “I’ve won the greatest sporting event in the world. I’m here among thousands of my adoring fans.”
“No! Let me tell you!” his mother retorts. “At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn’t get raped!” The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,…
“I will never forgive you for making us move to Baltimore!
Ohio temperature chart
70 degrees – Texans turn on the heat and unpack the thermal underwear. People in Ohio go swimming in rivers, creeks and and pools.
60 degrees – People in North Carolina try to turn on the heat. Ohioans are still sunbathing.
50 degrees – Californians shiver uncontrollably. People in Ohio plant gardens
40 degrees – Italian and English cars won’t start. People in Ohio drive with the windows down.
32 degrees – Distilled water freezes. Lake Erie water gets thicker.
20 degrees – Floridians don coats, thermal underwear, gloves, and woolly hats. Ohioans throw on a light jacket.
15 degrees – Philadelphia landlords finally turn up the heat. People in Ohio have the last cookout of the season.
0 degrees – All of the people in Miami die. Buckeyes close windows.
-10 degrees – Californians fly to Mexico. People in Ohio get out their winter coats.
-40 degrees – Hollywood disintegrates. The Girl Scouts in Ohio are selling cookies door to door.
-80 degrees – Polar bears begin to evacuate the Arctic. Ohio Boy Scouts postpone “Winter Survival” class until gets cold enough.
-100 degrees – Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. Buckeyes get frustrated because they can’t thaw the keg.
-297 degrees – Microbial life no longer survives on dairy products. Cows in Ohio complain about farmers with cold hands.
-460 degrees – All atomic motion stops. People in Ohio start saying, “Cold ‘buff for ya?”
-500 degrees – Hell freezes over. The Cleveland Browns win the Super Bowl.
Obama to Broncos: Yes, choking is covered by Obamacare
Do you have this on your table for Super Bowl?
Shiny new robots don’t work
A man goes to a public golf course. He approaches the man behind the counter in the pro shop and says, “I would like 18 holes of golf and a caddie.”
The man behind the counter says, “The 18 holes of golf is no problem, but all of the caddies are out on the course. What I will do for you is this: We just received 8 brand new robot golf caddies. If you’re willing to take one with you out on the course and come back and tell me how well it works, your round of golf is on me today.”
The golfer obviously accepted the man’s offer. He approached the first tee, looked at the fairway and said to himself, “I think my driver will do the job.”
The robot caddie turned to the man and said, “No sir. Use your 3 wood. A driver is far too much club for this hole.” Hesitantly, the golfer pulled out his 3 wood, made good contact with the ball, and the ball landed about 10 feet to the right front of the hole on the green.
The golfer, delighted, turned to the robot and thanked him for his assistance. As the golfer pulled out his putter he said, “I think this green is gonna break left to right.” The robot then again spoke up and said, “No sir. I do believe this green will break right to left.”
Thinking about the last time the robot corrected his prediction, he decided again to listen to the machine. He made his putt and birdied the hole thanks to the robot and his advice But his luck didn’t end there. His entire game was the best game he ever played, thanks to the assistance of the new robot golf caddie.
Upon returning to the clubhouse, the man behind the counter asked, “How was your game ?” The golfer stated, “It was, by far, the BEST game I ever played. Thank you very much for letting me take one of your robots. See you next week.”
A week passed, and excited, the golfer returned to the pro shop. Upon entering, he turned to the man behind the counter and said, “I would like 18 holes of golf and one of those robot golf caddies, please.”
The gentleman from behind the counter turned to the man and said, “Well the 18 holes is no problem. However, we had to get rid of the robots. We had too many complaints.”
“COMPLAINTS? Who in the heck could’ve complained about those robots? They were incredible”
Christmas golf
A regular foursome was playing their weekly game of golf; one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.
His buddies all chimed in said, “Let’s do it! We’ll make it a priority; figure out a way and meet here early, Christmas morning.”
Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course. The first guy says, “Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife a diamond ring that she can’t take her eyes off.”
The second guy says, “I spent a ton too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures.”
The third guy says “Well, my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual.”
They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds.
“I can’t believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the butt and said, ‘Well babe, Merry Christmas! It’s a great morning — intercourse or golf course –‘
She said, “Don’t forget your sweater.”
God has dinner with NFL quarterbacks
God is eating dinner alone in the NFL quarterbacks cafeteria.
Eli Manning approaches the table and God asks, “What do you believe?”
Manning says, “I believe in hard work, and in staying true to family and friends.”
God can’t help but see the goodness of Manning and offers him a seat to his left.
Tim Tebow walks up and God says, “What do you believe?”
Tebow says, “I believe in your total goodness, your love and generosity, and that you have given all to mankind.”
God is greatly moved by Tebow’s eloquence, and offers him a seat to his right.
Finally, Tom Brady comes over to the table: God asks, “And you, Tom, what do you believe?”
Brady replies, “I believe you’re in my seat.”
Photo courtesy of Jeffrey Beall (Own work) [CC-BY-SA-3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0)], via Wikimedia Commons
Tiger Woods plays Stevie Wonder in golf
Tiger Woods & Stevie Wonder are in a bar…
Tiger turns to Stevie and says, “How ‘s the singing career going?”
Stevie replies, “Not too bad. How ‘s the golf?”
Woods replies, “Not too bad, I ‘ve had some problems with my swing, but I think I ‘ve got that right, now.”
Stevie says, “I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right.”
Incredulous, Tiger says, “You play GOLF?”
Stevie says, “Yes, I ‘ve been playing for years.”
Tiger says, “But — you ‘re blind! How can you play golf if you can ‘t see?”
Stevie Wonder replies, “Well, I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice.”
But, “How do you putt” asks Tiger.
“Well”, says Stevie, “I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball toward his voice.”
Tiger asks, “What ‘s your handicap?”
Stevie says, “Well, actually — I ‘m a scratch golfer.”
Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, “We ‘ve got to play a round sometime.”
Stevie replies, “Well, people don ‘t take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole. Is that a problem?”
Busy Day At The Office
My boss phoned me today.
He said, “Is everything okay at the office?
“I said, “Yes, it’s all
under control. It’s been a very busy day, I haven’t stopped.”
“Can you
do me a favor?” he asked.
I said, “Of course, what is it?”
He said,
“Hurry up and take your shot, I’m in the foursome behind you.”