Category Archives: Politics

Mr. Obama and Mr. Trump meet at a barber shop

So Barack Obama and Donald Trump somehow ended up at the same barber shop. As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear that it would turn nasty.

As the barbers finished their shaves in silence, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave. But Donald was quick to stop him, jokingly saying, “No thanks. My wife, Melania, will smell that and think I’ve been in a brothel.”

The second barber turned to Barack and said, “How about you, Mr. Obama?” Barack replied, “Go right ahead, my wife Michelle doesn’t know what the inside of a brothel smells like.”

20 THINGS I TRUST MORE THAN HILLARY CLINTON

  1. Mexican tap water
  2. A porcupine with a “pet me” sign
  3. Bill Clinton, with my teenage daughter
  4. A fart while fighting the flu
  5. An elevator ride with Ray Rice
  6. Taking pills or a drink offered by Bill Cosby
  7. A Bigfoot sighting
  8. A Hillary Clinton war story reported by Brian Williams
  9. Gas station sushi
  10. Jimmy Carter, with the economy or military strategy
  11. A Palestinian on a motorcycle
  12. Pete Carroll coaching decisions
  13. Eating an apple from an orchard at Fukushima reactor #4
  14. Hitching a ride from a guy in a goalie mask
  15. The ingredients in a hotdog
  16. Nancy Pelosi’s grip on reality
  17. Black Ice
  18. Jerry Sandusky as a Boy Scout leader
  19. Alien abduction stories
  20. Barney Frank in the shower asking you to pick up the bar of soap

A cowboy named Bud

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Montana when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, “If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?”

Bud looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, “Sure, why not?”

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his notebook computer, connects it to his iPhone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany …

Within seconds, he receives an email on his iPhone that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his smartphone and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, “You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.”

“That’s right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,” says Bud. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then Bud says to the young man, “Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?”

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, “Okay, why not?”

“You’re a Congressman for the U.S. Government”, says Bud.

“Wow! That’s correct,” says the yuppie, “but how did you guess that?”

“No guessing required.” answered the cowboy. “You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don’t know a thing about how working people make a living – or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep.

Now give me back my dog.

AND THAT FOLKS IS WHAT THE PROBLEM IS ALL ABOUT.

A born salesman

A born salesman Ole, the smoothest-talking Norske in the Minnesota National Guard, got called up to active duty.

Ole’s first assignment was in a military induction center. Because he was a good talker, they assigned him the duty of advising new recruits about government benefits, especially the GI life insurance, to which they were entitled.

The officer in charge soon noticed that Ole was getting a 99% sign-up rate for the more expensive supplemental form of GI insurance. This was remarkable, because it cost these low-income recruits $30 per month for the higher coverage, compared to what the government was already providing at no charge.

The officer decided he’d sit in the back of the room at the next briefing and observe Ole’s sales pitch. Ole stood up before the latest group of inductees and said,
“If you haf da normal GI insurans an’ yoo go to Afghanistan an’ get yourself kilt, da governmen’ pays yer beneficiary $20,000. If yoo take out da supplemental insurans, vich cost you only t’irty dollars a munt , den da governmen’ got ta pay yer beneficiary $200,000!” Continue reading A born salesman

Hot coffee hurts

No_Business_Transacted_poster_-_3g12934uI was eating breakfast with my 6-year-old granddaughter and I asked her, “What day is tomorrow?”

She said “It’s President’s Day!”

She is a smart kid. So, I asked “What does President’s Day mean?” I was waiting for something about Washington or Lincoln etc.

She replied, “President’s Day is when President Obama steps out of the White House, and if he sees his shadow we have one more year of high unemployment and corruption.”

You know, it hurts when hot coffee spurts out your nose…

The difference between ObamaCare and Blue Cross

A man goes into the hospital for a vasectomy. Before the procedure a very
attractive nurse comes in and takes his vitals, then tells him to take all
of his clothes off.

When he is fully undressed she instructs him to lie down on the table.

The man obeys.

The nurse then takes all of her clothes off and climbs on top and has her
way with him.

Upon the completion of the act the man catches his breath and asks what that
was all about.

The nurse informs the patient that studies have shown that before a
vasectomy if the man has an ejaculation, he will be more relaxed and that
the vasectomy is easier for the surgeon to locate and sever, thereby making
the surgery safer, more efficient and quicker.

The nurse then wheels the patient to the operating room. While they are
going down the hall the patient looks through a window to the right and sees
six men in a room masturbating.

Curious, the man asks,” What are they doing in there?”

The nurse responds, “They are getting vasectomies too, but you have Blue Cross and they have
Obama Care.”