Tag Archives: work
Elephant remover
Teacher: Where is your homework?
Boy: I ripped it up and spread it across the playground.
Teacher: Why?
Boy: To keep away the elephants.
Teacher: What elephants?
Boy: See, it worked!
Calories burned during sex
The new year always brings many resolutions. Many of these resolutions include more exercise and losing weight. If this is your goal, hopefully the following information will assist you. But remember, if you don’t have a partner, you don’t need to worry because there are other options out there for you. For example, a custom sex doll if you should wish to invest in one.
The Act of Insertion
| If the man is ready (same vice-versa) |
1/4 calories |
| If the woman is not (same vice-versa) |
274 calories |
Satisfying Partner (organ size)
Most experts agree that size means nothing. Shape is what counts, and the man with a shaped organ can write his own ticket. In those rare instances where a man has a genuinely small member, he may have to compensate by working slightly harder, but this is good for weight loss. A man with a really large organ, while he might not have to work as hard once inside, may exhaust himself just trying to convince his partner to let him put it inside.
| Normal size |
22 calories |
| Oversize |
15 calories |
| Tremendous |
8 calories |
| Teensy-weensy |
163 calories |
Positions
| Man on top, woman on bottom (facing each other) |
20 calories |
| Woman on top, man on bottom (Many women find that in addition to its inherent sexual possibilities, this position affords a better view of the clock.) |
25 calories |
| From the rear (Mysterious variation) |
40 1/2 calories |
| Standing: Both partners of equal height |
18 calories |
| Standing: Woman 1 foot taller than a man |
90 calories |
| While in traction (very useful during ski season) |
124 calories |
Locations
| On a bar stool |
20 calories |
| Rear of a Honda Civic |
38 calories |
| In a phone booth, standing |
14 calories |
| In a phone booth, lying down |
274 calories |
| On an airliner, aisle seat |
24 calories |
| On an airliner, middle seat |
42 calories |
| On an airliner, window seat |
30 calories |
| On an airliner, in the lavatory |
100 calories |
Possible Side Effects of Intercourse
| Bouncing |
7 calories |
| Sliding around |
9 calories |
| Serious Skidding |
12 calories |
| Full cartwheel |
20 calories |
| Whiplash |
27 calories |
| Knee burn |
6 calories |
| Chafed elbows |
5 calories |
| Chafed nose |
11 calories |
Sex Related Noises
| Short gasps (per gasp) |
3 calories |
| Wheezing |
5 calories |
| Squeals |
4 calories |
| Ecstatic moaning |
11 calories |
| Low growling |
8 calories |
| Squishing |
10 calories |
| Shouting |
16 calories |
| Screaming |
18 calories |
| Urgent begging |
22 calories |
| Any short speech giving partner directions (“Please don’t stop,” “Faster,” “Just a little more” are common examples.) |
25 calories |
Approaching Orgasm
| Letting go |
5.5 calories |
| Controlling yourself |
79 calories |
| Digging nails into your partner’s back |
11 calories |
| Trembling |
15 calories |
| Shaking |
20 calories |
| Shuddering |
25 calories |
| Trying to keep eyes open |
33 calories |
Orgasm
| Real |
27 calories |
| Faked |
160 calories |
Orgasmic Intensity Scale
| Expression didn’t change |
1/2 calorie |
| Face turned purple |
15 calories |
| Orchestra swelled |
6 calories |
| Magical explosions |
10 calories |
| Blazing Sheets |
25 calories |
| Earth moved |
30 calories |
| Vesuvius erupted |
47 calories |
| You began moaning in Latin |
60 calories |
Pulling Out
| After orgasm |
1/4 calorie |
| A few moments before orgasm |
500 calories |
Multiple Orgasms
For women:
| 2 |
14 calories |
| 5 |
30 calories |
| 8 |
47 calories |
(Depending on greed her rate of recovery a woman can enjoy around 8 orgasms within an hour period without losing consciousness or disarranging her hair. Of course this could be a lot more if the positionings are correct, there’s been more calories burned and orgasms achieved when the female is strapped into a sex swing, providing the male was to choose a secure location to attach to. As the number increases, however, she may begin to experience a form of “reduced sanity” that will temporarily interfere with her ability to cook, worship ,and ride a Moped.)
For Men:
| 2 |
21 calories |
| 3 |
39 calories |
| 4 |
57 calories |
(For a man, its a different situation, perhaps due to physiological and biological reasons. Many men can enjoy up to 4 orgasms in an hour with little discomfort except for the slight ringing in the ears. With few exceptions, however, a man who tries to achieve more than 10 orgasms within that same period is flirting with irreversible brain damage.)
Special Orgasms
| Clitoral |
15 calories |
| Vaginal |
21 calories |
| Penile |
21 calories |
| Scrotile |
15 calories |
| Rectal |
25 calories |
| Oral (can also occur during an especially good meal) |
30 calories |
Premature Ejaculation*
| During insertion |
2 calories |
| During intercourse (Approximately. 2 sec’s or 3 thrusts after insertion, whichever comes first.) |
5 calories |
| During foreplay |
3 calories |
| Immature ejaculation (Similar to premature ejaculation except male acts childish and throws a tantrum.) |
4 calories |
Consequences of Premature Ejaculation
Even if you have a good heart, it takes much understanding not to feel like a victim when your partner climaxes after 3 sec’s of intensive sex, especially if he immediately sits up to watch the football on tv. It is thus advisable to consult a doctor for your condition, or scourge through online pharmacies like Menschem to buy sildenafil online, and attempt to treat it. Because, your partner’s pleasure does matter as much as yours!
For Women
| Frustration |
8 calories |
| Anger |
15 calories |
| Violent mood swing |
20 calories |
| Surpressing rage |
25 calories |
| Not surpressing anger (In extreme cases, this can include cursing, nose tweaks, and gently massaging partner’s head with a tire iron.) |
65 calories |
For Men:
| Cursing |
10 calories |
| Apologising |
3 calories |
| Snivelling |
5 calories |
| Pleading for mercy |
8 calories |
| Begging for another chance (Note how unfair: Men never seem to mind if a woman has an orgasm after 3 seconds of sex.) |
15 calories |
Possible Side Effects of Good Sex
The first indication that sex was a positive experience will be a buzzing in the pelvic area and a clear complexion. You might also feel pleasantly light, as though you were dozing in a vat of cream cheese. If sex was really terrific, you feel dangerously drained, as though your body had been connected to a large milking machine for several days. Additional reactions include:
| Swooning |
6 calories |
| Palpitations |
10 calories |
| Shortness of breath |
5 calories |
| Perspiring |
8 calories |
Possible Side Effects of Bad Sex
| A less-than-sunny desposition |
1 calorie |
Recovering
| Un-entwining |
3 calories |
| Regaining motor control of pevis (After especially tiring sex, you may feel numb from below the waist to the opposite wall. The result will be an inability to walk [put one foot in front of the other], which will seriously impair your chances of going to the bathroom or getting some juice.) |
7 calories |
| Standing up |
9 calories |
| Getting some juice |
11 calories |
Rolling Over and Going to Sleep
| After intercourse (Classic behavior for shiftiness men who believe they’ve done their job and are now entilted to a rest. This “rest” may include snoring.) |
18 calories |
| During intercourse (Women find this to be a subtle, yet direct way of suggesting dissatisfaction.) |
32 calories |
| During foreplay (Indicates either an advance case of fatigue or a serious lack of interest.) |
12 calories |
| Avoiding the wet spot |
80 calories |
Trying Again
| If the woman is ready |
5 calories |
| If the man is not |
156 calories |
Dreaming
| Regular dream |
2 calories |
| Wet Dream Add 5 calories if it occurs while in bed with your partner; Add 20 calories if your partner notices |
16 calories |
| Wet Trance (Usually occurs in the presence of a sensual hypnotist.) |
20 calories |
Group Sex
| Introducing yourself |
3 calories |
| Overcoming shyness |
8 calories |
| Swapping partners, willingly |
4 calories |
| Swapping partners, unwillingly |
62 calories |
| Jealousy (Partner having more fun than you are) |
16 calories |
| Mixed doubles |
26 calories |
| Being nice to everyone |
100 calories |
| Anger (You suddenly realize that you’re wanted for you body and not your mind. Difficult to cope with, especially if you have a Ph.D.) |
10 calories |
| Finding your clothes |
5 calories |
Masturbation
|
For pleasure only |
6 calories |
| For exercise, too |
10 calories |
| For relief from tension |
12 calories |
| To pass the time |
7 calories |
| To avoid overeating |
16 calories |
| To get in touch with inner self |
10 calories |
| To get in touch with outter self |
10.5 calories |
| To avoid insanity |
24 calories |
| To avoid spending money on a date (In addition to being a viable alternative to television, shopping, and binges, masturbation is a quick and inexpensive way to get warm.) |
9 calories |
| Using your hand(s) |
11 calories |
| Using your finger(s) |
9 calories |
| Using tweezers |
2 calories |
| Using an inflatable doll |
24 calories |
| Using Any fruit or vegetable (Except watermelon or a sprig of parsley) |
19 calories |
| Using a vibrator, hand-operated |
12 calories |
| Using a vibrator, windup |
9 calories |
| Using a vibrator, electric |
5 calories |
| Using anything not mentioned here |
50 calories |
| In a pornographic movie theater – purchasing the ticket |
2.5 calories |
| In a pornographic movie theater – finding isolated seat |
78 calories |
| In a pornographic movie theater – adjusting raincoat |
3 calories |
Typical Sex-Related Fears
| Partner hates me for what I did |
4 calories |
| Partner hates me for what I didn’t do |
8 calories |
| Forgetting the instructions in the sex manual |
10 calories |
| Climaxing too soon |
5 calories |
| Climaxing too late |
6 calories |
| Not climaxing |
20 calories |
| Partner thinks of me as a sex object |
9 calories |
| Partner doesn’t think of me as a sex object |
47 calories |
| Partner will neglect to adminster last rites should I not recover from orgasm |
88 calories |
Personal Fears
| Gigantic cellulite that shake and ripple during orgasm |
6 calories |
| Stretch marks that look like a plowed field |
8 calories |
| Penis envy |
72 calories |
| Body odor of a disgruntled yak |
25 calories |
Getting Caught
| By partner’s spouse |
60 calories |
| By your spouse |
60.5 calories |
| Trying to explain |
165 calories |
| Stuttering |
28 calories |
| Throwing up (Calorie counts here are flexible, depending on type of spouse-whether understanding and open-minded, or narrow-minded and armed) |
40 calories |
Almost Getting Caught
| Trying to remain calm |
100 calories |
| Fright (includes trembling) |
66 calories |
| Leaping out of bed |
25 calories |
| Getting dressed in one large motion |
300 calories |
| Thanking partner quickly |
2 calories |
| Jumping out of window (add 5 calories if window wasn’t open) |
15 calories |
| Landing |
1 calorie |
| Running very fast |
50 calories |
I found this at Off-Color Humor
You know you are a redneck
- You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
- You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.
- Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
- You burn your yard rather than mow it.
- The Salvation Army declines your furniture.
- You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don’t want it.
- You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
- You come back from the dump with more than you took.
- You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
- Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
- Your grandmother has ‘ammo’ on her Christmas list.
- You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.
- You’ve been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
- You go to the stock car races and don’t need a program.
- You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
- You have a rag for a gas cap.
- Your house doesn’t have curtains, but your truck does.
- You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.
- You can spit without opening your mouth.
- You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.
- Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
- You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say ‘Cool Whip’ on the side.
- The biggest city you’ve ever been to is Wal-Mart.
- Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
- You’ve used your ironing board as a buffet table.
- A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements.
- You’ve used a toilet brush to scratch your back.
- You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.
- You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65.
Johnny before Christmas break
It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.
Teacher: “Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today.”
Little Johnny says to himself “Good, I want to get outta here. I’m smart and will answer the question.”
Teacher: “Who said ‘Four Score and Seven Years Ago’?”
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, “Abraham Lincoln.”
Teacher: “That’s right Susie, you can go home.”
Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.
Teacher: “Who said ‘I Have a Dream’?”
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, “Martin Luther King.”
Teacher: “That’s right Mary, you can go.”
Johnny is even madder than before.
Teacher: “Who said ‘Ask not, what your country can do for you’?”
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, “John F. Kennedy.”
Teacher: “That’s right Nancy , you may also leave.”
Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.
When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, “I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!”
The teacher turns around: “NOW WHO SAID THAT?”
Johnny: “TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?”
A chance to offend almost everyone
I’d just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said, ‘I’ve not eaten for two days’. I told him, ‘I wish I had your will power’
I got fired on my first day as a male masseuse today.. Apparently the instruction “finish off on her face” didn’t mean what I thought it did.
A fat girl served me food in McDonalds at lunch time, she said, “sorry about the wait”. I said, “don’t worry fatty, you’re bound to lose it eventually”.
Snow in the forecast! The TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight, I thought to myself “fat chance with a face like that”.
Top Tip: if you’re camping in the summer and the attractive girl in the next tent tells you that because it’s so hot she will be sleeping with her flaps open, it’s not necessarily an invitation for casual sex … wish me luck; I appear in court next Monday.
I have a new chat up line that works every time!! It doesn’t matter how gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a winner and I always end up in bed with them … here’s how it goes “Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion? Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?”
Years ago it was suggested “that an apple a day kept the doctor away” … but since all the doctors are now Muslim, I’ve found that a bacon sandwich works
best!
I failed my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently “Mexicans” was not the correct answer.
A damn fine explanation
The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. And she was upset. “You are a disrespectful pig!” she cried. “How dare you do this to me — a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I’m leaving you. I want a divorce right away!”
And the husband replied, “Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.”
“Go ahead,” she sobbed, “but they’ll be the last words you’ll say to me!”
And the husband began — “Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.
“I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn’t eaten for three days.
“So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn’t eat because you’re afraid you’ll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.
“Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.
“Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don’t wear because you say they are too tight.
“I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don’t wear because I don’t have good taste.
“I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don’t wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don’t wear because someone at work has a pair the same.”
The husband took a quick breath and continued, “She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,
‘Please … Do you have anything else that your wife doesn’t use?'”
Thank you to TheJoker for sending me this quickie joke!
Fire chief explanation
In South Los Angeles , a 4-plex was destroyed by a fire.
A Nigerian family of six con artists lived on the first floor, and all six died in the fire. An Islamic group of seven welfare cheats, all illegally in the country from Kenya , lived on the second floor, and they, too, all perished in the fire. 6 LA, Hispanic, Gang Banger, ex-cons, lived on the 3rd floor and they, too, died. A lone, white couple lived on the top floor… The couple survived the fire.
Jesse Jackson, John Burris and Al Sharpton were furious. They flew into LA and met with the fire chief, on camera.
They loudly demanded to know why the Blacks, Black Muslims and Hispanics all died in the fire and only the white couple lived?
The fire chief said, “They were at work.”
The best contractors in the world contest!
A few of these guys have worked on my house!
It is fine except for the winter time!
A sure proof way to not catch the bad guys!
The stairway to nowhere.
Is it safer to cross the road or take the bridge?
Who needs to buy a level – I can tell if it is straight by eye!
Dear, I know the neighbors have a patio but that doesn’t mean that we have one!
The train doesn’t come by our house very often.
The boss said the light post had to be right here.
Guaranteed method to prevent over withdraws.
A little bit of privacy, please!
Cardiologist’s Funeral
A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket was rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, ‘I am so sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral…. I’m a gynecologist.’
The proctologist fainted.