One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife’s arm.
The wife turns over and says ‘I’m sorry honey, I’ve got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.’
The husband, rejected, turns over.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
He asked:
A wife asked her husband, “What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?”
He looked at her from head to toe and replied, “Your sense of humor.”
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent’s house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He’d still be alive if that damn ice cream truck hadn’t come along."
I hope that the bells are ringing for you and your loved one.
Happy Valentines Day
Ultimate True Test: Lock your wife and your dog in the trunk of your car for an hour. Then open the trunk and see who’s the happiest to see you.
An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.
She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.
A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me." Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my neck." Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed. "Where are you going?" she asked. "To get my teeth!"
Tempted to embark on yet another extra marital affair, Bill was absent-mindedly reviewing the situation to himself in the bar.
“Not worth it,” he muttered. “Never as good as you hoped. Expensive. Drives the wife berserk.”
His friend, who happened to overhear his soliloquy leaned across. “Come now, old son. You know what to expect when you took up golf.”
A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months.
Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitors whenever she touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there was definite movement.
They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, ‘As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma.’
The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they would close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife’s room.
After a few minutes the woman’s monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate.
The nurses run back into the room. ‘What happened!?’ they cried.
The husband said, ‘I’m not sure….maybe she choked.’
NEVER ASSUME THAT MEN UNDERSTAND.
Better to be hated for who you are, than loved for who your not !!!
The wife has been on my case to get the Christmas lights up for a couple of weeks now.
They are up now, and for some reason she will not talk to me.
A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and Blue.
Doctor: “What happened?”
Woman: “Doctor, I don’t know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp.”
Doctor: “I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don’t swallow until he goes to bed and is asleep.”
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
Woman: “Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn’t touch me!”
Doctor: “You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?”