Here is what Obama needs set up to talk to a few school children. Not much room for kids. Still needs to have the teleprompters. The Secret Service guy in back keeps eyes out for any terrorist-type-8-year-old with tea-partying parents.
Here’s what the last guy needed…
Of course, it could be because the children with President Bush are actually smarter than the ones with President Obama.
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death.
Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.
After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.
True to his word, he made the first contact:
" Marion … Marion "
"Is that you, Bob?"
"Yes, I’ve come back like we agreed."
"That’s wonderful! What’s it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it’s off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (you’d be proud – lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it’s back to golf course again. Then it’s more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again"
"Oh, Bob are you in Heaven?"
"No………..I’m a rabbit in Arizona .
The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, "I’ve got some bad news. You have cancer, and you’d best put your affairs in order…"
The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.
"Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don’t go so well. In this case, things aren’t well. I have cancer. So, let’s head to the club and have a martini."
After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman’s old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.
The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end, "I’ve been diagnosed with AIDS ."
The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat.
After the friends left, the woman’s daughter leaned over and whispered, "Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that?"
"Because I don’t want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I’m gone."
And THAT, my friends, is what is called, "Putting Your Affairs In Order."
I don’t use Siri but it has been in the news a lot. Siri is the “smart” assistant on the new Apple iPhone 4S. Evidently it can be quite helpful but it can also say some funny things. I have no idea if these are real or not but that doesn’t matter – they are funny.
At dawn the telephone rings.
"Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."
"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead".
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"
"Si, Senor, that’s the one."
"Damn! That’s a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"
"From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod."
"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"
"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse. "
"Dead horse? What dead horse?"
"The thoroughbred, Senor Rod."
"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"
"Yes, Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."
"Are you insane? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor."
"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"
"The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."
"What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!"
"Yes, Senor Rod."
"But there’s electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"
"For the funeral, Senor Rod."
"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"
"Your wife’s, Senor Rod". She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Ping G15 204g titanium head golf club with the TFC 149D graphite shaft."
SILENCE………..LONG SILENCE………VERY LONG SILENCE.
"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you’re in deep shit."
A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence/phrase is unexpected, which causes the reader or listener to reinterpret the first part. For example:
In the middle of an argument a man said to his wife, "I don’t know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time!"
The wife responded calmly, "Allow me to explain…the good Lord made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; and he made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!"
