- Cigarette: A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end and a fool on the other.
- Divorce: Future tense of marriage.
- Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either."
- Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
- Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
- Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water power…
- Dictionary: A place where success comes before work.
- Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.
- Classic: A book which people praise, but do not read.
- Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
- Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
- Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.
Category Archives: Quickie
My business
A father walks into the market followed by his ten-year-old son. The kid is spinning a 25-cent piece in the air and catching it between his teeth. As they walk through the market someone bumps into the boy at just the wrong moment and the coin goes straight into his mouth and lodges in his throat. He immediately starts choking and going blue in the face and Dad starts panicking, shouting and screaming for help.
A middle-aged, fairly unremarkable man in a gray suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading his newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion he looks up, puts his coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds his newspaper and places it on the counter. He gets up from his seat and makes his unhurried way across the market. Reaching the boy (who is still standing, but only just) the man takes hold of the kid and squeezes gently but firmly. After a few seconds the boy coughs up the quarter, which the man catches in his free hand.
The man then walks back to his seat in the coffee bar without saying a word. As soon as he is sure that his son was fine, the father rushes over to the man and starts effusively thanking him. The man looks embarrassed and brushes off the thanks. As he’s about to leave, the father asks one last question. "I’ve never seen anybody do anything like that before – it was fantastic – what are you, a surgeon or something like that?"
"No" the man replies, "I work for the IRS, getting people to cough it up is my business."
(Editors note: bad joke but fitting for this time of year)
Golf tip
A Golfer has been slicing off the tee on every hole. He finally gives up and asks his long suffering caddy if he has seen any obvious problems.
To which the caddy replies, “There’s a piece of shit on the end of your club.”
The Golfer picks his club up and cleans the club face at which point the caddy says,
Bar story
A guy walks into a bar in Benton, Arkansas and orders a white wine. All the hillbillies sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see some pitiful Yankee from the north.
The bartender says, "You ain’t from around here, are ya?"
The guy says, "No, I’m from Canada …"
The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada ?" The guy says, "I’m a taxidermist."
The bartender says, "A taxidermist? What in tarnation is a taxidermist? Do you drive a taxi?"
"No, a taxidermist doesn’t drive a taxi. I mount animals."
The bartender grins and hollers, "It’s okay boys. He’s one of us."
BEST AUSSIE PICK UP LINE EVER
An Aussie walks into a pub and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, ‘Is your date running late?’
‘No’, he replies, ‘I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it.’
The intrigued woman says, ‘A state-of-the-art watch? What’s so special about it?’
The Aussie explains, ‘It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.’
The lady says, ‘What’s it telling you now?’
Well, it says you’re not wearing any panties.’
20 “sexy” facts
- Sex is the safest tranquilizer in the world. It is 10 times more effective than valium!
- The word “gymnasium” comes from the Greek word gymnazein which means “to exercise naked.”
- The greatest recorded number of children one mother had was 69 children.
- Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England – but only in tropical fish stores.
- An adulterous Greek male was sometimes punished by the removal of his pubic hair and the insertion of a large radish into his rectum.
- In India it is cheaper to have sex with a prostitute than buy a condom!
- The “normal” person spends 600 hours having sex between the ages of 20 and 70.
- The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time television were: Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
- Americans spend twice as much money on porn than they do on cookies.
- Condoms exposed to smog and other pollutants, are 25% less effective.
- The word, “Hockey” is Archaic slang for “semen.”
- People who chew a lot of ice have a higher sex drive.
- Women who read romance novels have sex twice as often as those who don’t.
- The Ramses brand condom is named after the great Phaoroh Ramses II who fathered over 160 children.
- Male bats have the highest rate of homosexuality of any mammal.
- 27% of women think money makes a man sexier.
- The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.
- 85% of men who die of heart-attacks during intercourse, are found to have been cheating on their wives.
- Male and female rats may have sex, up to twenty times a day.
- For every ‘normal’ webpage, there are five porn pages.
I found this list on My Humor Spot
Female marine
Entering a classroom at MCAS (Marine Corps Air Station) Yuma, a female Marine Captain encountered a clearly apathetic audience. She was selected to provide a full hour’s instruction on Iraqi electronic warfare capabilities to 150 Marine aviators who showed by their body language deep skepticism about her ability to teach war fighting skills to an all-male class.
She began by noting that her voice had just been tested to see if it was suitable for some new cockpit recorder messages for Marine aircraft. She said that unfortunately she had not been selected to be the new “Bitching Betty.” However, she said it was only fair to warn the audience the reason given for her non-selection was that an analysis of her voice pattern revealed that her particular voice had a tendency to lull to sleep any male homosexual within earshot.
The assembled officers shot upright in their chairs. 150 pairs of eyes were wide open and locked on her and stayed that way for the rest of the period.
Now don’t you just love those female Marines?
Community Service
One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, "I cannot accept money from you, I’m doing community service this week." The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a ‘thank you’ card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, "I cannot accept money from you , I’m doing community service this week." The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a ‘thank you’ card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, "I cannot accept money from you. I’m doing community service this week." The Congressman was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.
Airport security solution
Here’s a solution to all the controversy over full-body scanners at the airports:
All we need to do is develop a booth that you can step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have hidden on or in your body. The explosion will be contained within the sealed booth.
This would be a win-win for everyone. There would be none of this crap about racial profiling and the device would eliminate long and expensive trials.
This is so simple that it’s brilliant. I can see it now: you’re in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion. Shortly thereafter an
announcement comes over the PA system, "Attention standby passengers, we now have a seat available on flight number…"
Cabbie and the Nun
A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won’t stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring. He replies: ‘I have a question to ask, but I don’t want to offend you.’
She answers, ‘ My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.’
‘Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.’
She responds, ‘Well, let’s see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.’
The cab driver is very excited and says, ‘Yes, I’m single and Catholic!’
‘OK’ the nun says. ‘Pull into the next alley.’
The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
‘My dear child,’ said the nun, ‘Why are you crying?’ Continue reading Cabbie and the Nun