The guys at the Fitness Center asked me what actress I would like to be stuck in an elevator with.
I told them the one who knows how to fix elevators.
I’m old, tired, and pee a lot.
Category Archives: Quickie
The difference between ObamaCare and Blue Cross
A man goes into the hospital for a vasectomy. Before the procedure a very
attractive nurse comes in and takes his vitals, then tells him to take all
of his clothes off.
When he is fully undressed she instructs him to lie down on the table.
The man obeys.
The nurse then takes all of her clothes off and climbs on top and has her
way with him.
Upon the completion of the act the man catches his breath and asks what that
was all about.
The nurse informs the patient that studies have shown that before a
vasectomy if the man has an ejaculation, he will be more relaxed and that
the vasectomy is easier for the surgeon to locate and sever, thereby making
the surgery safer, more efficient and quicker.
The nurse then wheels the patient to the operating room. While they are
going down the hall the patient looks through a window to the right and sees
six men in a room masturbating.
Curious, the man asks,” What are they doing in there?”
The nurse responds, “They are getting vasectomies too, but you have Blue Cross and they have
Obama Care.”
It isn’t legal to use bait in Canada
A Canadian and an American were hunting in Canadian woods when a Mexican runs across the field and the Canadian shoots him and kills him.
“You can’t do that!” cried the American.
“No, no, it’s legal here in Canada” replies the Canadian.
Later that night the American goes and buys some beer and puts it on the roof of his truck to open the door. Just then a
Mexican runs by, grabs the beer, and runs away. The American thinks “No problem” and he shoots him and kills him.
As he is getting his beer the police come and arrest him.
“But I thought it was legal to shoot Mexicans here in Canada!” protests the American.
“Well yeah, it is” says the cop, “but you can’t use bait.”
The magic dildo
A businessman was preparing to go on a long business trip, so he thought he’d buy his wife something to keep her occupied. He went to a sex shop and explained his situation, in hope that there would be a selection of dildos to choose from.
The man there said, “Well, I don’t know that I have anything that will keep her occupied for so many weeks, except……. the Magic Penis!”
The husband said, “The……..what”?
The salesman repeated, “The Magic Penis,” and pulled out what seemed to be an ordinary dildo.
The husband laughed, and said, “It looks like an ordinary dildo!”
The man then pointed to the door and said, ” Magic Penis, door!”
The penis rose out of its box, darted over to the door and started pounding away at the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with vibrations, so much so, that a crack began to form down the middle.
Then the salesman said, “Magic Penis, return to box!” and the penis stopped and returned to the box.
The husband bought it and took it home to his wife and explained how to use it.
After the husband had been gone a few days, the wife remembered the Magic Penis. She undressed, opened the box and said “Magic Penis, my crotch.” The penis shot to her crotch. It was absolutely incredible.
After three mind shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she’d had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck. Her husband had neglected to tell her how to turn it off so she put her clothes on, got in her car and started for the closest hospital.
On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road. A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she’d had to drink.
Does this young woman shave down there?
A Scottish couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn’t have a bath, although if she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.
“Monday’s the best night, when my husband goes out to darts,” she said.
The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.
After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn’t have any pubic hair.
She mentioned this to her husband when he came home. He didn’t believe her, so she said: “Next Monday, when you go to darts, leave a little early and wait in the back garden. I’ll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself.”
So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked:
“Do you shave?”
“No,” replied the girl. “I’ve just never grown any hair down there. Do you have hair?”
“Oh, yes,” said the woman, and she pulled up her nightdress and showed the girl that she was really generously endowed in the hair department…..very generously indeed.
The girl finished her bath and went to bed.
Later that night, when the husband came in, the wife asked him, “Did you see it?”
“Yes,” he said, “but why the hell did you have to show her yours.”
“Why ever are you worried about that?” she said. “You’ve seen it often enough before.”
“I know,” he said, “but the darts team hadn’t!”
Pregnancy and golfing
The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands. The instructor said, “Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path.”
“Gentlemen, remember — you’re in this together. It wouldn’t hurt you to go walking with her.
In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both.”
The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information.
After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.
“Yes?” said the Instructor.
“I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?”
Brings a tear to your eye doesn’t it?
This kind of sensitivity just can’t be taught.
Santa gets real with a punk
Dear Santa,
How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone, from the reindeer to the elves, is fine. I have been a very good boy this year. I would like an X-Box One with Call of Duty and an iPhone for Christmas. I hope you remember that come Christmas Day.
Merry Christmas,
Timmy Jones
Dear Timmy,
Thank you for you letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and the elves are all fine and thank you for asking about them. Santa is a little worried all the time you spend playing video games and texting. Santa wouldn’t want you to get fat. Since you have indeed been a good boy, I think I’ll bring you something you can go outside and play with.
Merry Christmas,
Santa Claus
Mr. Claus,
Seeing that I have fulfilled the “naughty vs. Nice” contract, set by you I might add, I feel confident that you can see your way clear to granting me what I have asked for. I certainly wouldn’t want to turn this joyous season into one of litigation. Also, don’t you think that a jibe at my weight coming from an overweight man who goes out once a year is a bit trite?
Respectfully,
Tim Jones
Mr. Jones,
While I have acknowledged you have met the “nice” criteria, need I remind you that your Christmas list is a request and in no way is it a guarantee of services provided. Should you wish to pursue legal action, well that is your right. Please know, however, that my attorney’s have been on retainer ever since the Burgermeister Meisterburger incident and will be more than happy to take you on in open court. Additionally, the exercise I alluded to will not only improve your health, but also improve your social skills and potentially help clear up a complexion that looks like the bottom of the Burger King fry bin most days.
Very Truly Yours,
S Claus
Now look here Fat Man,
I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it. I was attempting to be polite about this but you brought my looks and my friends into this. Now you just be disrespecting me. I’m about to tweet my boys and we’re gonna be waiting for your fat ass and I’m taking my game console, my game, my phone, and whatever else I want. WHAT EVER I WANT, MAN!
T-Bone
Listen Pizza Face,
Seriously??? You think a dude that breaks into every house in the world on one night and never gets caught sweats a skinny G-banger wannabe? “He sees you when you’re sleeping; He knows when you’re awake”. Sound familiar, genius? You know what kind of resources I have at my disposal. I got your shit wired, Jack. Continue reading Santa gets real with a punk
Johnny doesn’t need anything
A teacher went around her class asking each of the kids what they needed at home.
Joey said, “A computer.”
The teacher replied, “That would be very useful.”
Jenny said, “A new lawn mower.”
The teacher again replied, “That would also be very useful.”
Little Johnny popped up and said, “At my house we don’t need anything!”
The teacher asked him to think again carefully, as everybody needed something.
Little Johnny replied, “No I’m sure. When Obama was re-elected, I remember my dad saying; ‘Well, that’s the last fuckin’ thing we needed.'”
Two families from Afghanistan move to USA
Two families moved from Afghanistan to America . When they arrived, the two fathers made a bet: In a year’s time, whichever family had become more Americanized would win.
A year later they met.
The first man said, “My son is playing baseball, I had McDonald’s for breakfast and I’m on my way to pick up a case of Bud… how about you?” Continue reading Two families from Afghanistan move to USA
Happy Black Friday
Black Friday
Because only in America do people trample each other for sales exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have.