A guy walks into a post office. He sees a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter placing “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. The man then takes out a perfume bottle and sprays scent all over them.
His curiosity gets the better of him. He goes up to the man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, “I’m sending out one thousand Valentine cards signed, ‘Guess who?'”
“But why?” asks the man.
The man replies, “I’m a divorce lawyer.”
Absolutely nothing which requires use of the names Justin Bieber, Kim Kardassian, or Kanye West is news, unless it is followed by the words “Discovers the single unifying theory.” And that will never happen.
A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic liberal ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
“Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man… Is something bothering you?”
“Negative, ma’am. I’m just serious by nature.”
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, “It looks like you have seen a lot of action.”
“Yes, ma’am, a lot of action.”
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, “You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.”
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, “You know, I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but when was the last time you had sex?”
“1955, ma’am.”
“Well, there you are. No wonder you’re so serious. You really need to chill out and relax! I mean no sex since 1955! Come with me.”
She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to “relax” him several times.
Afterward, panting for breath, she leaned against his grizzled bare chest and said, “Wow, you sure didn’t forget much since 1955.”
The Sergeant Major glanced at his watch and replied in his serious voice, “I hope not; it’s only 2130 now.”
Why do girls get all bent out shape when a man asks for a sandwich? When my woman says “Fix my car” or “Fix my computer” I don’t claim it’s sexist. I fix her stuff because I’m good at it. She is good at making sandwiches. Next time she asks me to fix her shit, I’m going to act offended and say, “Fix your own shit!” Let’s see who is more hurt, me without a sandwich or her without a car!
Brilliant in its simplicity…
In three generations, there will be no Democrats. Damn – I love it when a plan comes together!
When top level guys look down, they see only shitheads;
When bottom level guys look up, they see only assholes . . .
I’ve never seen an organizational chart explained so clearly.