Monthly Archives: January 2014
Do you have this on your table for Super Bowl?
The difference between ObamaCare and Blue Cross
A man goes into the hospital for a vasectomy. Before the procedure a very
attractive nurse comes in and takes his vitals, then tells him to take all
of his clothes off.
When he is fully undressed she instructs him to lie down on the table.
The man obeys.
The nurse then takes all of her clothes off and climbs on top and has her
way with him.
Upon the completion of the act the man catches his breath and asks what that
was all about.
The nurse informs the patient that studies have shown that before a
vasectomy if the man has an ejaculation, he will be more relaxed and that
the vasectomy is easier for the surgeon to locate and sever, thereby making
the surgery safer, more efficient and quicker.
The nurse then wheels the patient to the operating room. While they are
going down the hall the patient looks through a window to the right and sees
six men in a room masturbating.
Curious, the man asks,” What are they doing in there?”
The nurse responds, “They are getting vasectomies too, but you have Blue Cross and they have
Obama Care.”
Potential v. Realism
A young boy went up to his father and asked him, ‘Dad, what is the difference
between ‘potentially’ and ‘realistically’?’
The father thought for a moment, then answered, ‘Go ask your mother if she would
sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.
Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars,
and then go ask your brother if he’d sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.
Come back and tell me what you learn from that.’
So the boy went to his mother and asked, ‘Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a
million dollars?’
The mother replied, ‘Of course
I would! We could really use that money to fix up
the house and send you kids to a great University !’
The boy then went to his sister and asked, ‘Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a
million dollars?’
The girl replied, ‘Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a
heartbeat, are you nuts?’
The boy then went to his brother and asked, ‘Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for
a million dollars?’
‘Of course,’ the brother replied. ‘Do you know what a million bucks would buy?’
The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.
His father asked him, ‘Did you find out the difference between ‘potentially’
and ‘realistically’?’
The boy replied, ‘Yes, ‘Potentially’, you and I are sitting on
three million dollars .
But ‘realistically’, we’re living with two hookers and a queer.
I don’t understand what is forbidden
Or is it just not allowed to sit on a mushroom?
Sexy t-shirt sayings
Shiny new robots don’t work
A man goes to a public golf course. He approaches the man behind the counter in the pro shop and says, “I would like 18 holes of golf and a caddie.”
The man behind the counter says, “The 18 holes of golf is no problem, but all of the caddies are out on the course. What I will do for you is this: We just received 8 brand new robot golf caddies. If you’re willing to take one with you out on the course and come back and tell me how well it works, your round of golf is on me today.”
The golfer obviously accepted the man’s offer. He approached the first tee, looked at the fairway and said to himself, “I think my driver will do the job.”
The robot caddie turned to the man and said, “No sir. Use your 3 wood. A driver is far too much club for this hole.” Hesitantly, the golfer pulled out his 3 wood, made good contact with the ball, and the ball landed about 10 feet to the right front of the hole on the green.
The golfer, delighted, turned to the robot and thanked him for his assistance. As the golfer pulled out his putter he said, “I think this green is gonna break left to right.” The robot then again spoke up and said, “No sir. I do believe this green will break right to left.”
Thinking about the last time the robot corrected his prediction, he decided again to listen to the machine. He made his putt and birdied the hole thanks to the robot and his advice But his luck didn’t end there. His entire game was the best game he ever played, thanks to the assistance of the new robot golf caddie.
Upon returning to the clubhouse, the man behind the counter asked, “How was your game ?” The golfer stated, “It was, by far, the BEST game I ever played. Thank you very much for letting me take one of your robots. See you next week.”
A week passed, and excited, the golfer returned to the pro shop. Upon entering, he turned to the man behind the counter and said, “I would like 18 holes of golf and one of those robot golf caddies, please.”
The gentleman from behind the counter turned to the man and said, “Well the 18 holes is no problem. However, we had to get rid of the robots. We had too many complaints.”
“COMPLAINTS? Who in the heck could’ve complained about those robots? They were incredible”
It isn’t legal to use bait in Canada
A Canadian and an American were hunting in Canadian woods when a Mexican runs across the field and the Canadian shoots him and kills him.
“You can’t do that!” cried the American.
“No, no, it’s legal here in Canada” replies the Canadian.
Later that night the American goes and buys some beer and puts it on the roof of his truck to open the door. Just then a
Mexican runs by, grabs the beer, and runs away. The American thinks “No problem” and he shoots him and kills him.
As he is getting his beer the police come and arrest him.
“But I thought it was legal to shoot Mexicans here in Canada!” protests the American.
“Well yeah, it is” says the cop, “but you can’t use bait.”
The magic dildo
A businessman was preparing to go on a long business trip, so he thought he’d buy his wife something to keep her occupied. He went to a sex shop and explained his situation, in hope that there would be a selection of dildos to choose from.
The man there said, “Well, I don’t know that I have anything that will keep her occupied for so many weeks, except……. the Magic Penis!”
The husband said, “The……..what”?
The salesman repeated, “The Magic Penis,” and pulled out what seemed to be an ordinary dildo.
The husband laughed, and said, “It looks like an ordinary dildo!”
The man then pointed to the door and said, ” Magic Penis, door!”
The penis rose out of its box, darted over to the door and started pounding away at the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with vibrations, so much so, that a crack began to form down the middle.
Then the salesman said, “Magic Penis, return to box!” and the penis stopped and returned to the box.
The husband bought it and took it home to his wife and explained how to use it.
After the husband had been gone a few days, the wife remembered the Magic Penis. She undressed, opened the box and said “Magic Penis, my crotch.” The penis shot to her crotch. It was absolutely incredible.
After three mind shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she’d had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck. Her husband had neglected to tell her how to turn it off so she put her clothes on, got in her car and started for the closest hospital.
On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road. A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she’d had to drink.
Thank you for blaming him for economy
