Monthly Archives: March 2011

Ethnic, Quickie

Arab father instructs his son

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A young Arab asks his father, “What is that weird hat you are wearing?”

The father said, “Why, it’s a ‘chechia’ because in the desert it protects our heads from the sun.”

“And what is this type of clothing that you are wearing?” asked the young man.

“It’s a ‘djbellah’ because in the desert it is very hot and it protects the body.” said the father.

The son asked, “And what about those ugly shoes on your feet?

His father replied, “These are ‘babouches”, which keep us from burning our feet in the desert.”

“So tell me then,” added the boy.

“Yes, my son?”

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Family, Marriage, Quickie

Lie detector robot

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John was a salesman’s delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmicks. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.

One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.

It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.

"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John.

"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy.

The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school."

"We went to Bobby’s house and watched a movie." said Tommy.

"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.

"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.

The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair.

With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."

"I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."

The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can’t be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!"

The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.

Marriage, Men, Quickie, Women

ONCE A MARINE ALWAYS A MARINE!

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On their 50th anniversary, a wife found the negligee she wore on her wedding night and put it on. She went to her husband, a retired Marine, and asked, "Honey, do you remember this?"

He looked up from his newspaper and said; "Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married."

She said, "Yes, that’s right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?"

He nodded and said "Yes dear, I said: Oh baby, I’m going to suck the life out of those boobs and screw your brains out."

She giggled and said, "That’s exactly what you said. So now it’s fifty years later, and I’m in the same negligee. What do you have to say tonight?"

He looked her up and down and said,

 

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Marriage, Quickie

3 women and their men

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A married woman tells this story:

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes..

Here’s how it all went.

My engaged friend:

The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.

He saw me and said, ‘You are the woman of my dreams.

I love you.’ Then we made passionate love all night long.

The mistress:

Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn’t say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story:

When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.

When he came in the door and saw me he said, 

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Family, Politics, Quickie

Is President’s Day the same as Groundhog’s Day?

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I was eating lunch with my 12  year old grandson a month or so ago when his mom asked him, "What is tomorrow?" 

He said, "It’s President’s Day"

She asked, "What does that mean?"

…. I was waiting for something profound…

He said, "President’s Day is when Obama steps out of the White House and if he sees his shadow, we have 2 more years of unemployment."

I almost snorted my iced tea .

Marriage, Politics, Quickie

Still a virgin after all these years

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A woman, married three times, walked into a bridal shop and told the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth wedding.

"Of  course, madam," replied the sales clerk, "Exactly what style and color are you looking for?"

The bride to be said:  "A long frilly white dress with a veil."

The sales clerk hesitated a bit, then said, "Please don’t take this the wrong way, but gowns of that nature are considered more appropriate for brides who are being married the first time – for those who are a bit more innocent, if you know what I mean? Perhaps ivory or sky blue would be nice?"

"Well," replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk’s directness, "I can assure you that a white gown would be quite appropriate. Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as a first time bride.

You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding, he died as we were checking into our hotel. My second husband and I got into such a terrible fight in the limo on our way to our honeymoon that we had that wedding annulled immediately and never spoke to each other again."

"What about your third husband?" asked the sales clerk.

"He was a Democrat," said the woman, "and every night for four years, he sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was going to be, but nothing ever happened."

Quickie, Religion

SISTER MARY ANN’S GASOLINE

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Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, a Texaco Gasoline station was just a block away.

She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned. Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.

She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.

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