Tag Archives: dog

Politics, Quickie

A cowboy named Bud

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A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Montana when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, “If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?”

Bud looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, “Sure, why not?”

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his notebook computer, connects it to his iPhone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany …

Within seconds, he receives an email on his iPhone that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his smartphone and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, “You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.”

“That’s right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,” says Bud. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then Bud says to the young man, “Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?”

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, “Okay, why not?”

“You’re a Congressman for the U.S. Government”, says Bud.

“Wow! That’s correct,” says the yuppie, “but how did you guess that?”

“No guessing required.” answered the cowboy. “You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don’t know a thing about how working people make a living – or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep.

Now give me back my dog.

AND THAT FOLKS IS WHAT THE PROBLEM IS ALL ABOUT.

Animals, Quickie

Top Ten Reasons Why Dogs Are Better Pets Than Cats

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  1. Dogs will tilt their heads and try to understand every word you say. Cats will ignore you and take a nap.
  2. Cats look silly on a leash.
  3. When you come home from work, your dog will be happy and lick your face. Cats will still be mad at you for leaving in the first place.
  4. Dogs will give you unconditional love until the day they die. Cats will make you pay for every mistake you’ve ever made since the day you were born
  5. A dog knows when you’re sad. And he’ll try to comfort you. Cats don’t care how you feel, as long as you remember where the can opener is.
  6. Dogs will bring you your slippers. Cats will drop a dead mouse in your slippers.
  7. When you take them for a ride, dogs will sit on the seat next to you. Cats have to have their own private basket, or they won’t go at all.
  8. Dogs will come when you call them. And they’ll be happy. Cats will have someone take a message and get back to you.
  9. Dogs will play fetch with you all day long. The only thing cats will play with all day long are small rodents or bugs, preferably ones that look like they’re in pain. I suppose the upside to this is you don’t have to spend any money hiring in a pest control company like https://www.pestcontrolexperts.com/local/california/vallejo/ because your cat will have you covered.
  10. Dogs will wake you up if the house is on fire. Cats will quietly sneak out the back door.
Quickie, Women

Things your Mother would NEVER say

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— Yeah, I used to cut class a lot too.

— Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I’ll be glad to feed and walk him every day.

— That outfit isn’t sexy enough, here, unbutton your blouse.

— Why don’t you hitchhike? It would totally be cheaper.

— The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It’s not like I’m running a prison around here.

— Don’t clean your room so often. It makes the rest of the house look bad.

— Can I borrow your new speed metal CDs?

— Naw, you don’t have to call me, I’ll eventually figure it out if you’re in trouble.

Animals, Marriage, Quickie, Women

Why Some Men Have Dogs… And Not Wives

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  1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.
  2. Dogs don’t notice if you call them by another dog’s name.
  3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
  4. A dog’s parents never visit.
  5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
  6. You never have to wait for a dog; they’re ready to go 24 hours a day.
  7. Dogs find you amusing when you’re drunk.
  8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
  9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"
  10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
  11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.
  12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don’t get mad. They just think it’s interesting.
  13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.
  14. And last, but certainly not least: If a dog leaves, it won’t take half of your stuff.

 

Ultimate True Test: Lock your wife and your dog in the trunk of your car for an hour. Then open the trunk and see who’s the happiest to see you.

Redneck

You know you are a redneck

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  1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.  
  2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter. 
  3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
  4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.
  5. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.
  6. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don’t want it.
  7. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
  8. You come back from the dump with more than you took.
  9. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
  10. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
  11. Your grandmother has ‘ammo’ on her Christmas list.
  12. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.
  13. You’ve been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
  14. You go to the stock car races and don’t need a program.
  15. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
  16. You have a rag for a gas cap.
  17. Your house doesn’t have curtains, but your truck does.
  18. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.
  19. You can spit without opening your mouth.
  20. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.
  21. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
  22. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say ‘Cool Whip’ on the side.
  23. The biggest city you’ve ever been to is Wal-Mart.
  24. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
  25. You’ve used your ironing board as a buffet table.
  26. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements.
  27. You’ve used a toilet brush to scratch your back.
  28. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.
  29. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65.
Ethnic, Quickie

Irving the Jewish Dog

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Morty visits the veterinarian in Boca Raton and says, “My dog has a problem.”

The doctor replies, “So tell me about the dog’s problem.”

“First you should know, he’s a Jewish dog. His name is Irving and he can talk,” says Morty.

“He can talk?”, the doubtful doctor asks.

“Watch this!” Morty points to the dog and commands: “Irving, Fetch!”

Irving, the dog, begins to walk towards the door, then turns around and demands, “So why are you talking to me like that? You order me around like I’m nothing. And you only call me when you want something. And then you make me sleep on the floor, with my arthritis. You give me this fahkahkta food with all the salt and fat, and you tell me it’s a special diet. It tastes like dreck! YOU should eat it yourself! And do you ever take me for a decent walk? NO, it’s out of the house, a short pish, and right back home. Maybe if I could stretch out a little, the sciatica wouldn’t kill me so much! I should roll over and play dead for real for all you care!”

The Doctor is amazed. “This is remarkable!  What could be the problem?”

Morty says, “Obviously, he has a hearing problem! I said ‘Fetch,’ not Kvetch.”