Tag Archives: father

Family, Men, Women

Part of the family

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As a woman passed her daughter’s closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter with a vibrator. Shocked, she asked: ‘What in the world are you doing?’

The daughter replied: ‘Mom, I’m thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I’ll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.’

The next day, the girl’s father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator. To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said: ‘Dad I’m thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I’ll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.’

A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip , placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the living room. She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV. The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy. The wife asked: ‘What the hell are you doing?’

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Ethnic, Quickie

Arab father instructs his son

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A young Arab asks his father, “What is that weird hat you are wearing?”

The father said, “Why, it’s a ‘chechia’ because in the desert it protects our heads from the sun.”

“And what is this type of clothing that you are wearing?” asked the young man.

“It’s a ‘djbellah’ because in the desert it is very hot and it protects the body.” said the father.

The son asked, “And what about those ugly shoes on your feet?

His father replied, “These are ‘babouches”, which keep us from burning our feet in the desert.”

“So tell me then,” added the boy.

“Yes, my son?”

Continue reading Arab father instructs his son →

Quickie, Seasonal, Sports

Chicago Bear fans

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A Chicago family of pro football supporters head out one Saturday to do their Christmas shopping. While in the sports store, the son picks up a Green Bay Packers #12 jersey and says to his older sister, “I’ve decided to become a Packer fan and I would like this for Christmas.” His big sister is outraged by this and promptly whacks him on the head and says, “Go talk with mom.”

Off goes the little lad with the Green Bay Packer jersey in hand and finds his mother. “Mom?” “Yes, son?” “I’ve decided I’m going to be a Packer fan, and I would like this Aaron Rodger’s jersey for Christmas.” The mother is outraged, promptly whacks him on the head and says, “Go see your father.”

Off he goes with the Green Bay Packer #12 jersey in hand and finds his father. “Dad?” “Yes, son?” “I’ve decided I’m going to be a Packer fan, and I would like this Rodger’s jersey for Christmas”. The father is so outraged he, too, whacks his son on the head and says, “No son of mine is ever going to be seen in that!”

About half hour later they’re all back in the car heading towards home. The father turns to the son and says, “Son, I hope you’ve learned something today.”

The son says, “Yes, Dad, I have.”

“Good, son. What is it?”

The son replies, “I’ve only been a Packer fan for an hour and I already hate you Illinois bastards.”

Redneck

You know you are a redneck

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  1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.  
  2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter. 
  3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
  4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.
  5. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.
  6. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don’t want it.
  7. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
  8. You come back from the dump with more than you took.
  9. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
  10. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
  11. Your grandmother has ‘ammo’ on her Christmas list.
  12. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.
  13. You’ve been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
  14. You go to the stock car races and don’t need a program.
  15. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
  16. You have a rag for a gas cap.
  17. Your house doesn’t have curtains, but your truck does.
  18. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.
  19. You can spit without opening your mouth.
  20. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.
  21. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
  22. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say ‘Cool Whip’ on the side.
  23. The biggest city you’ve ever been to is Wal-Mart.
  24. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
  25. You’ve used your ironing board as a buffet table.
  26. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements.
  27. You’ve used a toilet brush to scratch your back.
  28. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.
  29. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65.
Ethnic, Men, Quickie, Religion

Irish logic

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Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday & the priest almost fell down when he saw him. He’d never been to church in his life.

After Mass, the priest caught up with him & said, “Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?”

Murphy said, “I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass & figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn’s hat.”

The priest said, “Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn’t steal McGlynn’s hat. What changed your mind?”

Murphy replied, “Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn’t need to steal McGlynn’s hat after all.”

With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said; “After I talked about ‘Thou Shalt Not Steal’ ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell?”

Murphy slowly shook his head. “No, Father, after ya talked about ‘Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery’ I remembered where I left me hat.”

Family, Quickie

Daughter explains Facebook to Dad

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Dad: I just don’t get why you kids use it so much.

Jessica: Dad, Facebook is all about social networking. I know this doesn’t make sense to you since you have like zero friends!

Dad: Your mother and I had the Busch’s over for dinner last night…

Jessica: Just come here and take a look. See, last week I added Jared Starnes-

Dad: That kid from your old grade school?

Jessica: Yep, exactly. You see, I haven’t talked to him in like years, but now we can…

*Jessica looks at the screen to find she isn’t allowed to view Jared’s pictures*

Jessica: Weird, it looks like he hasn’t been online to accept me yet.

Dad: It says he wrote that update thingy fifteen minutes ago, Jess.

Jessica: Hmm, must be a glitch in the system. One thing you’ll learn about Facebook is that it is super glitch! Alright, so anyway, I was just trying to prove the point that it helps you stay in touch with all types of friends. Dad, you know Samantha right?

Dad: The girl who comes around in those inappropriately short jean-shorts?

Jessica: No.

Dad: Then no…

Jessica: Well, see Facebook is how Samantha and I stay in touch between the times we see each other. Like, we can make wall-posts, or comment on each other’s photos, or …God damnit, Samantha! She freaking told me she would tell me the next time she went camping with Steve and Cody! I was the one who introduced her to them!

Dad: Who are Steve and Cody?

Jessica: No one! I’m just trying to show you that it helps you stay in touch with your friends! Whatever, I probably didn’t even want to go with them anyway.

*Jessica takes a deep breath and recollects herself*

Jessica: I’m just saying when you are young and have a lot of friends it can be a lot to handle. That’s why us popular kids need a way to keep in touch. Look, I have over 300 friends on-What the hell! 296!

*Jessica grabs the monitor and begins shaking it violently*

Jessica: I will find out who you deserters are, and you can better believe I won’t EVER like your stupid fallout boy quotes again!!!

Dad: I’m going to bed. Make sure to shut the windows before you go to sleep.

*The dad begins to walk up the stairs*

Jessica: Allison is on it.

*The footsteps going up the stairs come to a stop*

Dad: Short jean-shorts girl?

Jessica: Yep…

Dad: I’ll sign up tomorrow.

I originally found this on College Humor. My gut is that nearly every father of a teenage girl has had this same conversation.