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Hitler finds out KU lost to UNI in the 2010 NCAA tournament
Tiger & the Pope
The Pope and Tiger Woods die on the same day and because of an administrative mix up the Pope went to Hell and Tiger Woods went to Heaven.
The Pope explains the situation to the administrative clerk in Hell, and after checking the paperwork admits that there is an error.
“However”, the clerk explains, “it would be 24 hours before it can be rectified”.
Next day the Pope is called and Hell’s staff bids him farewell.
On the way up, the Pope meets Tiger Woods coming down from Heaven and they stop to have a chat.
“Sorry about the mix up”, apologizes the Pope.
“No problem” replied Tiger Woods.
Pope: “I am really anxious to get to Heaven”
Tiger: “Why is that?”
Pope: “All my life I have wanted to meet the Virgin Mary”
Tiger: “You’re a day late.”
Great April Fools pranks
Rather than tell a joke, show a video or display an image, I think it is fitting on this day of humor to point out some of the best practical jokes of all time. I found these at the Museum of Hoaxes. They have many more so please click through and have a laugh.
#1: The Swiss Spaghetti Harvest
spaghetti harvest1957: The respected BBC news show Panorama announced that thanks to a very mild winter and the virtual elimination of the dreaded spaghetti weevil, Swiss farmers were enjoying a bumper spaghetti crop. It accompanied this announcement with footage of Swiss peasants pulling strands of spaghetti down from trees. Huge numbers of viewers were taken in. Many called the BBC wanting to know how they could grow their own spaghetti tree. To this the BBC diplomatically replied, “place a sprig of spaghetti in a tin of tomato sauce and hope for the best.”
#4: The Taco Liberty Bell
Taco Liberty Bell1996: The Taco Bell Corporation announced it had bought the Liberty Bell and was renaming it the Taco Liberty Bell. Hundreds of outraged citizens called the National Historic Park in Philadelphia where the bell was housed to express their anger. Their nerves were only calmed when Taco Bell revealed, a few hours later, that it was all a practical joke. The best line of the day came when White House press secretary Mike McCurry was asked about the sale. Thinking on his feet, he responded that the Lincoln Memorial had also been sold. It would now be known, he said, as the Ford Lincoln Mercury Memorial.
#6: Nixon for President
1992: National Public Radio’s Talk of the Nation program announced that Richard Nixon, in a surprise move, was running for President again. His new campaign slogan was, “I didn’t do anything wrong, and I won’t do it again.” Accompanying this announcement were audio clips of Nixon delivering his candidacy speech. Listeners responded viscerally to the announcement, flooding the show with calls expressing shock and outrage. Only during the second half of the show did the host John Hockenberry reveal that the announcement was a practical joke. Nixon’s voice was impersonated by comedian Rich Little.
#10: Planetary Alignment Decreases Gravity
1976: The British astronomer Patrick Moore announced on BBC Radio 2 that at 9:47 AM a once-in-a-lifetime astronomical event was going to occur that listeners could experience in their very own homes. The planet Pluto would pass behind Jupiter, temporarily causing a gravitational alignment that would counteract and lessen the Earth’s own gravity. Moore told his listeners that if they jumped in the air at the exact moment that this planetary alignment occurred, they would experience a strange floating sensation. When 9:47 AM arrived, BBC2 began to receive hundreds of phone calls from listeners claiming to have felt the sensation. One woman even reported that she and her eleven friends had risen from their chairs and floated around the room.
What Tiger should have said
To my wife, I’m sorry. I fucked up but I’m not changing so you’ll either need to put up with this shit or I’ll stroke you the check I agreed to in the pre-nup….sorry.
To my fans, get over it. Where I stick my dick is none of your business. If you care….sorry. I don’t need any of you in order to make 10 times in one year what you’ll make in a career. I promise to continue to hit 4 irons from 210 yards to within 10′ of the hole and drop puts that you couldn’t read in a million years. If that’s not good enough for you, go watch tennis.
To the media. You cocksuckers are the only ones more two-faced than I am. Kissing my ass for all those years and then ripping me every chance you’ve had since Thanksgiving. Fuck all ya’ll. I’m glad I don’t have to take the time to sit and answer the same bullshit questions over and over again.
To the other golfers. Kiss my cablanasian ass! You motherfuckers come out ripping me when I’ve put more fucking money in your pockets than you could count. You think anyone’s been paying to see Jesper-fucking-Parnavik? Give me a fucking break. I’m almost tempted to give up golf just to punish you guys but I think it’s going to be more fun to practice for the next few weeks and get back to making you all my bitches.
That’s all I got today folks…..see ya at Augusta !….Oh and Bambi, if you’re listening I’ll meet you at the Ritz in 45 minutes.
My Week As A Church Sign Guy
Are computers male or female
Why computers may be female:
- No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
- The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
- Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
- As soon as you commit to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
Why computers may be male:
- In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.
- They have a lot of data but still can’t think for themselves.
- They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
- As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
(Shout out to Dev Topics where I found this joke.)
Qualify for the CIA
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and tests were done there were three finalists — two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. “We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her.”
The first man said, “You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife.” The agent replies, “Then you’re not the right man for this job.”
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.” The agent replies, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”
Finally, it was the woman’s turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, “You guys didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair!”
(Shout out to Beer Goggler where I found this joke.)
Fat Guy jumps into frozen lake
ObamaCare is replaced by Macaroni
I use the email program Thunderbird for my personal email. I also use ScribeFire embedded in Firefox to create posts on this site. When you write ObamaCare in either program, it is flagged as a misspelling. The suggested alternative is Macaroni. I think that is fitting.
Yankee Doodle went to town,
A-Riding on a pony;
He stuck a feather in his cap,
And called it macaroni.