“You WERE right! I should have settled for a blow job!”
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The recession has hit everybody really hard….
- My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
- Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can’t afford batteries.
- CEO’s are now playing miniature golf.
- Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
- A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.
- I saw a Mormon with only one wife.
- If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.
- McDonald’s is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
- Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.
- Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children’s names.
Continue reading The recession has hit everybody really hard….
Nurses aren’t supposed to laugh…
"Of course I won’t laugh," said the nurse. "I’m a professional. In over twenty years I’ve never laughed at a patient."
"Okay then," said Fred, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the smallest male part the nurse had ever seen. It’s length and width was almost identical to a AAA battery. Unable to control herself, the nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just came out. And then she started laughing at the fact that she was laughing. Feeling very badly that she had laughed at the man’s part, she composed herself as well as she could.
"I am so sorry," she said. "I don’t know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise that won’t happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?"
Men see colors differently
12 Cynical Meanings (good for funny tweets)
- Cigarette: A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end and a fool on the other.
- Divorce: Future tense of marriage.
- Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either."
- Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
- Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
- Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water power…
- Dictionary: A place where success comes before work.
- Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.
- Classic: A book which people praise, but do not read.
- Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
- Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
- Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.
More Wal-Mart girls
Yes folks, Hershey’s has a new Butterscotch Chip!
If you woke up in good spirits this morning, this should ruin the rest of your day!
My business
A father walks into the market followed by his ten-year-old son. The kid is spinning a 25-cent piece in the air and catching it between his teeth. As they walk through the market someone bumps into the boy at just the wrong moment and the coin goes straight into his mouth and lodges in his throat. He immediately starts choking and going blue in the face and Dad starts panicking, shouting and screaming for help.
A middle-aged, fairly unremarkable man in a gray suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading his newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion he looks up, puts his coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds his newspaper and places it on the counter. He gets up from his seat and makes his unhurried way across the market. Reaching the boy (who is still standing, but only just) the man takes hold of the kid and squeezes gently but firmly. After a few seconds the boy coughs up the quarter, which the man catches in his free hand.
The man then walks back to his seat in the coffee bar without saying a word. As soon as he is sure that his son was fine, the father rushes over to the man and starts effusively thanking him. The man looks embarrassed and brushes off the thanks. As he’s about to leave, the father asks one last question. "I’ve never seen anybody do anything like that before – it was fantastic – what are you, a surgeon or something like that?"
"No" the man replies, "I work for the IRS, getting people to cough it up is my business."
(Editors note: bad joke but fitting for this time of year)
30 Hilarious Answers Given on Family Feud
- Name something a blind person might use – A sword
- Name a song with moon in the title – Blue Suede Moon
- Name a bird with a long neck – Naomi Campbell
- Name an occupation where you need a torch – A burglar
- Name a dangerous race – The Arabs
- Name an item of clothing worn by the 3 musketeers – A horse
- Something you open other than a door – Your bowels
- A food that can be brown or white – Potato
- A jacket potato topping – Jam
- A famous Scotsman – Jock
- Something with a hole in it – Window
- A non living object with legs – Plant
- A domestic animal – Leopard
- A part of the body beginning with ‘N’ – Knee
- A way of cooking fish – Cod
- Something that flies that doesn’t have an engine – A bicycle with wings
- Name a famous bridge – The bridge over troubled waters
- Something a cat does – Goes to the toilet
- Something you do in the bathroom – Decorate
- Name an animal you might see at the zoo – A dog
- Something associated with the police – Pigs
- A sign of the zodiac – April
- Name something that floats in the bath – Water
- Name something you wear on the beach – A deckchair
- Name something Red – My cardigan
- Name a famous cowboy – Buck Rogers
- A number you have to memorize – 7
- Something you do before going to bed – Sleep
- Something you put on walls – Roofs
- Something in the garden that’s green – Shed
Sign humor
Go to Cincinnati for the mile high club
Cincinnati may be a conservative Midwest city with mediocre sports teams but they seem to have this part figured out.