Category Archives: Men

Men, Quickie

The Widow at the Farmhouse

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Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack’s station-wagon and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farmhouse and asked the attractive lady of the house if they could spend the night.

"I’m recently widowed," she explained, "and I’m afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Not to worry," Jack said, "we’ll be happy to sleep in the barn."

Nine months later, Jack got a letter from the widow’s attorney. He called up his friend Bob and said, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow at the farm we stayed at?"

"Yes, I do."

"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and visit with her?"

"Yes, I have to admit that I did."

"Did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

 

Continue reading The Widow at the Farmhouse →

Marriage, Men, Quickie, Women

Crotchless panties

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A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life.

She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband. At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs … enough times ‘til her husband says… "Are you wearing crotchless panties?"

"Y-e-s," she answers with a seductive smile.

"Thank God……I thought you were sitting on the cat.

He never heard the gunshot.

Men, Religion

Two brothers in the afterlife

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Once  upon a time there were two brothers. One brother was very mischievous, always getting into trouble. The other brother, however, was very good. He was always kind to animals, helped elderly neighbors, and led an exemplary life…..

As time went on, the brothers stayed in touch but were never close.  The evil brother became a heavy drinker and a womanizer.  The other brother was a devoted husband and father and supported many charities.

One day the evil brother died. Then, after a few years, the good brother passed away. He went to heaven and was rewarded with a happy afterlife.

One day he went to God and asked, "Where is my brother? He died before me, but I have not seen him here in heaven."

God  replied, "As you know, your brother led an evil life, so he is not spending eternity here in heaven. He has been sent elsewhere ."

I’m sorry to hear that", the good brother replied. "But I do miss him and wish I could see him again."

"You can see him if you wish," God said.  "I will give you the power to gaze into hell."

So the power was granted and the good brother gazed into hell. Before long he saw his brother sitting on a bench. In one arm he held a keg of beer, and in the other he cradled a gorgeous young blonde.

The good brother turned to God and said, "I can’t believe what I’m seeing. I have found my brother, and he has a keg of beer in one arm and a beautiful woman in the other. Surely, hell can not be that bad."

God explained. "Things are not always as they seem, my son. The keg has a hole in it. The blonde doesn’t."

Marriage, Men, Pregnancy, Quickie, Women

Pregnancy class

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The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly and was telling the men how to give the necessary assurance to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy.

She said "ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier!"

She looked at the men in the room, "and gentlemen, remember – you’re in this together —it wouldn’t hurt you to go walking with her."

The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information. Then a man at the back of the room slowly raised his hand.

"Yes?" answered the teacher.

"I was just wondering. Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk"?

Animals, Marriage, Men, Sports

From bad to worse

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At dawn the telephone rings.
      "Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."
      "Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
      "Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead".
      "My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"
      "Si, Senor, that’s the one."
      "Damn! That’s a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"
      "From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod."
      "Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"
      "Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse. "
      "Dead horse? What dead horse?"
      "The thoroughbred, Senor Rod."
      "My prize thoroughbred is dead?"
      "Yes, Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."
      "Are you insane? What water cart?"
      "The one we used to put out the fire, Senor."
      "Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"
      "The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."
      "What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!"
      "Yes, Senor Rod."
      "But there’s electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"
      "For the funeral, Senor Rod."
      "WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"
      "Your wife’s, Senor Rod". She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Ping G15 204g titanium head golf club with the TFC 149D graphite shaft."
 

 

     SILENCE………..LONG SILENCE………VERY LONG SILENCE.

 

      "Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you’re in deep shit."

Ethnic, Men

3 nude men on a bench

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At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.

The painting depicted three black men totally naked sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis.

The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment.

He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of black men in a predominately white, patriarchal society. ‘In fact,’ he pointed out, ‘some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society.’

After the curator left, an Irishman, approached the couple and said, ‘Would you like to know what the painting is really about?’

‘Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?’ asked the couple.

‘Because I’m the guy who painted it,’ he replied. ‘In fact, there are no black men depicted at all. They’re just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch.

Ethnic, Marriage, Men, Politics, Religion, Sarcasm, Women

May I own a Canadian?

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In her radio show, Dr Laura Schlesinger said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance.

The following response is an open letter to Dr. Laura, written by a US man, and posted on the Internet. It’s funny, as well as informative:

Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God’s Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination … End of that debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God’s Laws and how to follow them:

  1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can’t I own Canadians?
  2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?
  3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of Menstrual uncleanliness – Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.
  4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord – Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?
  5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?
  6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination, Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don’t agree. Can you settle this? Are there ‘degrees’ of abomination?
  7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?
  8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?
  9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?
  10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16. Couldn’t we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I’m confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God’s word is eternal and unchanging.

An adoring fan.

PS: It would be a damn shame if we couldn’t own a Canadian.