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Unusual Menu

An elderly golfer comes in after a good round of golf at the new course and heads straight to the bar/restaurant area of the club house.

As he passes through the swinging doors, he spots a sign hanging over the bar that reads:

COLD BEER: $5.00 

HAMBURGER: $10.00 

CHEESEBURGER: $15.50 

CHICKEN SANDWICH: $18.50 

HAND JOB: $250.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary money, the old golfer walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers.

She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer.

“Yes?” she inquires with a wide, knowing smile. “May I help you sir?”

The old golfer leans over the bar and whispers, “I was wondering young lady, are you the one who gives the hand-jobs around here?”

She looks into his wrinkled eyes and with a wide smile purrs, “Yes sir, I sure am.”

The old golfer leans in even closer and into her left ear says softly, “Well then, be sure to wash your hands real good, because I want a cheeseburger.”

Tiger Woods plays Stevie Wonder in golf

Tiger Woods & Stevie Wonder are in a bar…

Tiger turns to Stevie and says, “How ‘s the singing career going?”

Stevie replies, “Not too bad. How ‘s the golf?”

Woods replies, “Not too bad, I ‘ve had some problems with my swing, but I think I ‘ve got that right, now.”

Stevie says, “I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right.”

Incredulous, Tiger says, “You play GOLF?”

Stevie says, “Yes, I ‘ve been playing for years.”

Tiger says, “But — you ‘re blind! How can you play golf if you can ‘t see?”

Stevie Wonder replies, “Well, I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice.”

But, “How do you putt” asks Tiger.

“Well”, says Stevie, “I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball toward his voice.”

Tiger asks, “What ‘s your handicap?”

Stevie says, “Well, actually — I ‘m a scratch golfer.”

Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, “We ‘ve got to play a round sometime.”

Stevie replies, “Well, people don ‘t take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole. Is that a problem?”

Continue reading Tiger Woods plays Stevie Wonder in golf

No beer for Republicans

A labor union rep walks into a bar next door to the factory and is about to order a drink to celebrate Obama’s victory when he sees a guy close by wearing a Repeal ObamaCare button and two beers in front of him.

He doesn’t have to be an Einstein to know that this guy is a Republican. So, he shouts over to the bartender so loudly that everyone can hear, “Drinks for everyone in here, bartender, but not for the Republican.”

Soon after the drinks have been handed out, the Republican gives him a big smile, waves at him, then says, “Thank you!” in an equally loud voice. This infuriates the union rep.

The union rep once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Republican. As before, this does not seem to bother the Republican. He continues to smile, and again yells, “Thank you!”

The union man once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Republican. As before, this does not seem to bother the Republican. He continues to smile, and again yells, “Thank you!”

The union man asks the bartender, “What the hell is the matter with that Republican? I’ve ordered three rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar but him, and all the silly ass does is smile and thanks me. Is he nuts?”

“Nope,” replies the bartender. “He owns this place.”

The spoon

Last week, we took some friends to a posh restaurant, a real upscale place, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.

It seemed a little strange.

When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.

Then I looked around and saw that the entire staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, ‘Why the spoon?’

‘Well, ‘he explained, ‘the restaurant’s owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.’

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. ‘I’ll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.’
I was impressed.

A short time later, during our main course, I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter’s fly.

Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies.
So the next time our waiter stopped by, I asked him, ‘excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?’

“Oh, certainly!’ Then he lowered his voice. ‘Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom.

By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.

‘Wow, Very efficient, I said’, but then it made me wonder so I asked quietly, ‘After you get it out, how do you put it back?’

‘Well,’ he whispered, ‘I don’t know about the others, but I use the spoon.’

An example of what happens

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, “If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?”

“No, I had to stop drinking years ago,” the homeless man replied.

“Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food?” the man asked.

“Are you NUTS!” replied the homeless man. “I haven’t played golf in 20 years!”

“Well,” said the man, “I’m not going to give you money. Instead, I’m going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife.”

The homeless man was astounded. “Won’t your wife be furious with you for doing that?

The man replied, “That’s okay. It’s important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking and golf”.

Can your pecker touch your ass?

A five year old boy and his grandpa are sitting on the front porch together, when gramps pulls a beer out of his cooler. The little boy asks: “Can I have a beer Grandpa?”

Grandpa replies: “Can your pecker touch your ass?”

The little boy answered: “No Grandpa. It’s just a little pecker.”

Gramps says: “Well then, you’re not man enough to have a beer.”

A little later Grandpa lights up a cigar.

The little boy asks: “Can I have a cigar Grandpa?”

Once again, Grandpa asks: “Can your pecker touch your ass?”

Once again the little boy replies, “No, it’s too little.”

Gramps replies, “Then you’re not man enough to have a cigar.”

A little later the little boy comes out of the house with milk and some  cookies.

Grandpa asks, “Hey there young feller, can I have a cookie?” Continue reading Can your pecker touch your ass?

11 ways to start a fight

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift…

The next year, I didn’t buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied,

“Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!”

And that’s how the fight started……

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My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, ‘Do you want to have Sex?’

‘No,’ she answered.

I then said, ‘Is that your final answer?’

She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying, ‘Yes..’

So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”

And that’s when the fight started…

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I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

“I’ll have the rump steak, rare, please.”

He said, “Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?”

“Nah, she can order for herself.”

And that’s when the fight started…..

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My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, “Do you know him?”

“Yes”, she sighed,

“He’s my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn’t been sober since.”

“My God!” I said, “Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?”

And then the fight started…

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When our lawn mower broke and wouldn’t run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point..

Continue reading 11 ways to start a fight