Category Archives: Quickie

Quickie

Grandma is packing heat

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I made a traffic stop on an elderly lady the other day for speeding on U.S. 166 Eastbound at Mile Marker 73 just East of Sedan, KS.

I asked for her driver’s license, registration, and proof of insurance. The lady took out the required information and handed it to me.

In with the cards I was somewhat surprised (due to her advanced age) to see she had a conceal carry permit. I looked at her and ask if she had a weapon in her possession at this time. She didn’t exactly look like the type to remember what gun laws were (or even look on sites like gunlawsuits.org/gun-laws to find out)

She responded that she indeed had a .45 automatic in her glove box.

Something—body language, or the way she said it—made me want to ask if she had any other firearms. She did admit to also having a 9mm Glock in her center console. Now I had to ask one more time if that was all. She responded once again that she did have just one more, a .38 special in her purse. Continue reading Grandma is packing heat →

Ethnic, Quickie

Old fashioned Polish humor

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There was a small phone company in Wisconsin many years ago that was going to hire one team of telephone pole installers, and the boss had to choose between a team of two Norwegian guys and a team of two Polish guys.

So the boss met with both teams and said, “Here’s what we’ll do. Each team will be installing poles out on the new road for a day. The team that installs the most phone poles gets the job.”

Both teams headed right out. At end of the shift the Norwegian guys, came back, and the boss asked them how many they had installed.

They said that it was tough going, but they’d put in twelve.

Forty-five minutes later the Polish guys came back in, and they were totally exhausted.

The boss asked, “Well, how many poles did you guys install?” the team leader, wiped his brow and sighed, “Tosh and me, we got three in.”

The boss gasped, “Three? Those two Norwegian guys put in twelve!”

“Yeah,” said Tosh, “but you should see how much they left stickin’ out of the ground.”

Quickie

Buying groceries with credit card

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There was a bit of confusion at the store this morning. When I was ready to pay for my groceries, the cashier said, “Strip down, facing me.”

Making a mental note to complain to my congressman about Homeland Security running amok, I did just as she had instructed. When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to my credit card. I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.

They need to make their instructions to us Seniors a little clearer!

Politics, Quickie

Obama’s first day in hell

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One day in the future, Barack Obama has a heart attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

“I don’t know what to do here,” says the devil. “You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I’ll tell you what I’m going to do. I’ve got a couple of folks here who weren’t quite as bad as you.  I’ll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I’ll even let YOU decide who leaves.”

Obama thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room. In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dived in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.

“No,” Obama said. “I don’t think so. I’m not a good swimmer, and I don’t think I could do that all day long.”

The devil led him to the door of the next room. In it was Al Gore with a sledge-hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.

“No, this is no good; I’ve got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day,” commented Obama.

The devil opened a third door. Through it, Obama saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. Continue reading Obama’s first day in hell →

Quickie, Redneck

A cop waits to arrest drunk

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Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Kentucky. After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar apparently so intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it.  He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off–it was a fine, dry summer night–flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights.

He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons’ vehicles left.

At last when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.

The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test. To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all! Continue reading A cop waits to arrest drunk →

Politics, Quickie

Little Johnny meets Barack Obama

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Barack Obama was visiting a primary school in North Carolina and he visited a fourth grade class. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked the president if he would like to lead the discussion on the word ‘tragedy.’

So our illustrious president asked the class for an example of a ‘tragedy.’

One little boy stood up and offered: “If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field, and a tractor runs him over and kills him, that would be a tragedy.” 

“No,” said Obama, “that would be an accident.”

A little girl raised her hand: “If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone, that would be a tragedy.”

“I’m afraid not,” explained Obama. “That’s what we would call great loss.”

The room went silent. No other child volunteered. Obama searched the room. “Isn’t there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?” 

Finally at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher held her breath.

In a quiet voice he said: “If the plane carrying you and Mrs. Obama was struck by a ‘friendly fire’ missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy.”

“Fantastic!” exclaimed Obama. “That’s right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?” 

“Well,” says Johnny, “It has to be a tragedy, because it sure as hell wouldn’t be a great loss… and you can bet your ass it wouldn’t be an accident either!”
 
The teacher fainted.
 

Quickie

The lion tamer audition

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A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a retired golfer in his late-sixties and the other is a gorgeous brunette in her mid-twenties.

The circus owner tells them,”I’m not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you’re history. Here’s your equipment — chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?”

The gorgeous brunette says, “I’ll go first”.

She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion’s cage.

The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. As he gets close, the gorgeous brunette throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner’s jaw is on the floor. He says, “I’ve never seen a display like that in my life.” He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, “Can you top that?”

Continue reading The lion tamer audition →

Ethnic, Quickie

This is your Captain speaking

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It doesn’t get any more politically incorrect than this……
 
 
A twin-engine passenger plane has an engine failure and the altitude and speed are decreasing rapidly.
 
The pilot speaks over the intercom, “I’m sorry it has come to this ladies and gentlemen, but unfortunately we are going to have to jettison the luggage in order for the aircraft to remain airborne”.
 
Baggage is thrown out but still the plane’s speed continues to decrease.
 
Once again the pilot gets on the intercom, “I hate to do this folks but in order to save the majority we are going to have to start off-loading some passengers. The only fair way is to do this is alphabetically, so we’ll start with the letter ‘A'”.
 
“Africans? Are there any Africans on board?”
 
There was no answer so the pilot calls, B – “Black people, are there any black people on board?”
 
Again silence.
 
“C – coloured people? Are there any coloured people on board?
 
Still there is silence.
 
Continue reading This is your Captain speaking →

Politics, Quickie

US medical science is the most advanced

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A doctor from France says: “In France, the medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man’s testicles, we put them into another man, and in 6 weeks he is looking for work.”

The German doctor comments: “That’s nothing, in Germany we take part of the brain out of a person, we put it into another person’s head, and in 4 weeks he is looking for work.”

A Russian doctor says: “That’s nothing either. In Russia we take out half of the heart from a person, we put it into another person’s chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for work.

The U.S. doctor answers immediately: Continue reading US medical science is the most advanced →