A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life.
She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband. At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs … enough times ‘til her husband says… "Are you wearing crotchless panties?"
"Y-e-s," she answers with a seductive smile.
"Thank God……I thought you were sitting on the cat.
He never heard the gunshot.
The following are all replies that Detroit women have written on Child Support Agency Forms in the section for listing ‘Father’s Details,’ or putting it another way… Who’s your baby’s Daddy? These are genuine excerpts from the forms. Be sure to check out #11, it takes 1st prize and #3 is runner up.
1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, Makeeshia was fathered by Maclearndon McKinley I am unsure as to the identity of the father of Marlinda, but I believe that she was conceived on the same night.
2… I am unsure, as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.
3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 3600 East Grand Boulevard where I had sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you please send me his phone number? Thanks…
Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says, "Listen here good looking, I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, it doesn’t matter to me. I just love it."
Eyes now wide with interest, he responds, "No kidding. I’m in Congress too. What state are you from?"
The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly and was telling the men how to give the necessary assurance to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy.
She said "ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier!"
She looked at the men in the room, "and gentlemen, remember – you’re in this together —it wouldn’t hurt you to go walking with her."
The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information. Then a man at the back of the room slowly raised his hand.
"Yes?" answered the teacher.
"I was just wondering. Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk"?
A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence/phrase is unexpected, which causes the reader or listener to reinterpret the first part. For example:
In the middle of an argument a man said to his wife, "I don’t know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time!"
The wife responded calmly, "Allow me to explain…the good Lord made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; and he made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!"
There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!"
The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas."
When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!"
The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas."
After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right."
The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident.
Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don’t flush, don’t flush!"
Two young businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store in the shopping mall. As yet, the store wasn’t ready, with only a few shelves and display racks set up.
One said to the other, "I’ll bet that any minute now some senior is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we’re selling."
Sure enough, just a moment later, a curious senior gentleman walked up to the window, looked around intensely and rapped on the glass, then in a loud voice asked, "What are you sellin’ here?"
One of the men replied sarcastically, "We’re selling ass-holes."
Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You must be doing well. Only two left."
Seniors — don’t mess with them, They didn’t get old by being stupid!
Curtis & Leroy saw an ad in the Starkville Daily Newspaper in Starkville, MS and bought a mule for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day.
The next morning the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news, the mule died last night."
Curtis replied, "well, then just give us our money back."
The farmer said, "Can’t do that. I went and spent it already."
Leroy said, "OK then, just bring us the dead mule."
The farmer asked, "What in the world ya’ll gonna do with a dead mule?"
Curtis said, "We gonna raffle him off."
The farmer said, "You can’t raffle off a dead mule!"
Leroy said, "We shore can! Heck, we don’t hafta tell nobody he’s dead!"
A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Curtis & Leroy at the Piggly Wiggly grocery store and asked.
"What’d you fellers ever do with that dead mule?"
Curtis said, "We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do.."
Leroy said, "Shucks, we sold 500 tickets fer two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898."
The farmer said, "My Lord, didn’t anyone complain?"
Curtis said, "Well, the feller who won got upset. So we gave him his two dollars back."
Curtis and Leroy now work for the government.