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Putting your affairs in order
The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, ‘I’ve got some bad news. You have cancer, and you’d best put your affairs in order.’ The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.
‘Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don’t go so well. In this case, things aren’t well. I have cancer. So, let’s head to the club and have a martini.’
After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber.
There were some laughs and more martinis.They were eventually approached by some of the woman’s old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.. The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end, ‘I’ve been diagnosed
with AIDS.’
The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat.
After the friends left, the woman’s daughter leaned over and whispered, ‘Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that?’
‘Because I don’t want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I’m gone.’
And THAT, my friends, is what is called, ‘Putting Your Affairs In Order.’
Truth in advertising
Obama discusses online spying
8 ways to ensure that your husband lives
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.
He said, “Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don’t do the following, your husband will surely die.
- Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast.
- Be pleasant at all times.
- For lunch make him a nutritious meal.
- For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him.
- Don’t burden him with chores.
- Don’t discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse.
- No nagging.
- And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week.
If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely.” Continue reading 8 ways to ensure that your husband lives
Grandma is packing heat
I made a traffic stop on an elderly lady the other day for speeding on U.S. 166 Eastbound at Mile Marker 73 just East of Sedan, KS.
I asked for her driver’s license, registration, and proof of insurance. The lady took out the required information and handed it to me.
In with the cards I was somewhat surprised (due to her advanced age) to see she had a conceal carry permit. I looked at her and ask if she had a weapon in her possession at this time. She didn’t exactly look like the type to remember what gun laws were (or even look on sites like gunlawsuits.org/gun-laws to find out)
She responded that she indeed had a .45 automatic in her glove box.
Something—body language, or the way she said it—made me want to ask if she had any other firearms. She did admit to also having a 9mm Glock in her center console. Now I had to ask one more time if that was all. She responded once again that she did have just one more, a .38 special in her purse. Continue reading Grandma is packing heat
It all started with the iPhone
It all began with an iPhone…
January, 2011 was when Erica celebrated her 13th birthday, and we got her an iPhone. She just loved it. Who wouldn’t?
I celebrated my birthday later that month, and my wife made me very happy when she bought me an iPad.
Eva’s birthday was in October so we got her an iPod Touch.
My wife celebrated her birthday in March so I got her an iRon.
It was around then that the fight started. What my wife failed to recognize is that the iRon can be integrated into the home network with the iWash, iCook and iClean. This inevitably activates the iNag reminder service.
I should be out of the hospital next week!! iHurt
Old fashioned Polish humor
There was a small phone company in Wisconsin many years ago that was going to hire one team of telephone pole installers, and the boss had to choose between a team of two Norwegian guys and a team of two Polish guys.
So the boss met with both teams and said, “Here’s what we’ll do. Each team will be installing poles out on the new road for a day. The team that installs the most phone poles gets the job.”
Both teams headed right out. At end of the shift the Norwegian guys, came back, and the boss asked them how many they had installed.
They said that it was tough going, but they’d put in twelve.
Forty-five minutes later the Polish guys came back in, and they were totally exhausted.
The boss asked, “Well, how many poles did you guys install?” the team leader, wiped his brow and sighed, “Tosh and me, we got three in.”
The boss gasped, “Three? Those two Norwegian guys put in twelve!”
“Yeah,” said Tosh, “but you should see how much they left stickin’ out of the ground.”
Hockey groupies are probably the best in the world
Interesting that the sign says “we” and not “I”
Creepy – Lincoln and Kennedy
