Category Archives: Sarcasm

SCHOOL — 1961 vs. 2011

Scenario:
Jack goes quail hunting before school, pulls into school parking lot with shotgun in gun rack.
1961 – Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack’s shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.
2011 – School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counsellors called in for traumatized students and teachers.

Scenario:
Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.
1961 – Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
2011 – Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.
Scenario:
Jeffrey won’t be still in class, disrupts other students.
1961 – Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by the Principal. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2011 – Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra money from state because Jeffrey has a disability.

Scenario:
Billy breaks a window in his neighbor’s car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.
1961 – Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.
2011 – Billy’s dad is arrested for child abuse.  Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang..  State psychologist tells Billy’s sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison.  Billy’s mom has affair with psychologist.

Scenario :
Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.
1961 – Mark shares aspirin with Principal out on the smoking dock.
2011 – Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario:
Pedro fails high school English.
1961 – Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.
2011 – Pedro’s cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro’s English teacher.   English banned from core curriculum.  Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.

Scenario:
Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from 4th of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a red ant bed.
1961 – Ants die.
2011 – BATF, Homeland Security, FBI called. Johnny charged with  domestic terrorism, FBI investigates parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated, Johnny’s Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario:
Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary.  Mary hugs him to comfort him.
1961 – In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2011 – Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison.  Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.

Dear Blank, please blank

Dear Osama Bin Laden,

Marco…

Sincerely, United States.


Dear 2010,

So I hear the best rapper is white and the president is black? WTF happened?!

Sincerely, 1985.


Dear Voldemort,

So they screwed up your nose too?

Sincerely, Michael Jackson.


Dear Twilight fans,

Please realize that because vampires are dead and have no blood pumping through them, they can never get an erection. Enjoy fantasizing about that.

Sincerely, Logic.


Dear Icebergs,

Sorry to hear about the global warming. Karma’s a bitch.

Sincerely, The Titanic.


Dear Yahoo,

I’ve never heard anyone say, "I don’t know, let’s Yahoo! it…" just saying…

Sincerely, Google.


Dear High School Boys,

Your penis is not like Pinocchio’s nose – it doesn’t get longer every time you lie about its size.

Sincerely, Reality.


Dear Dumbasses,

Please pull your damn pants up. This style should have died when it started in 1993. Get a job too.

Sincerely, Taxpayer tired of supporting you and your stupid 5 illegitimate children.

 

I found these at dearblankpleaseblank.com. There are many more so check it out!

Short on cash this Christmas

My dear friends and family,

Somewhat embarrassing to admit, I’m not getting an annual bonus and Christmas is tight this year. I will be making bedroom slippers for you all as gifts. Please let me know your sizes. You’ll most likely agree that it’s a splendid idea, and should you wish to do the same, I’ve included the instructions below.

How to make bedroom slippers out of maxi pads:

  • You need four maxi pads to make a pair.
  • Two of them get laid out flat, for the foot part.
  • The other two wrap around the toe area to form the top.
  • Tape or glue each side of the top pieces to the bottom of the foot part.
  • Decorate the tops with whatever you desire, silk flowers (this is most aesthetically appealing), etc.

These slippers are:

  • Soft and Hygienic
  • Non-slip grip strips on the soles * Built in deodorant feature keeps feet smelling fresh
  • No more bending over to mop up spills
  • Disposable and biodegradable
  • Environmentally safe
  • Three convenient sizes: (1.) Regular, (2.) Light and (3.) Get out the Sand Bags..

I’ve attached a photo of the first pair I made so that you can see the nifty slippers for yourself….
Awaiting your response. It’s crucial that I get the right size for each one of you.

 

image

Boat launch problems by Obama supporter

This was this guy’s first boat and he was taking it to the lake, but he wasn’t quite sure of the correct procedure for launching a boat off a ramp. However, he figured it couldn’t be that difficult to do, so he stopped by his Union office for advice, and they just told him… “Don’t let the trailer get too deep in the water when you’re launching your boat”.

Well later on, he couldn’t understand what they meant by that, as he just could barely get his trailer in the water! Here’s a picture worth a “thousand’ words! You’re gonna love this guy!!!

Some people shouldn’t be allowed to get married, have children or vote!

Sticker on back glass explains everything!!!

Barack’s Bullshit Bingo

Just print out this page, distribute it to friends, and listen…
(be sure to read directions at the bottom.)



Rules for Bullshit Bingo:

  1. Before Barrack Obama’s next televised speech, print your “Bullshit Bingo”
  2. Check off the appropriate block when you hear one of those words/phrases.
  3. When you get five blocks horizontally, vertically, or diagonally, stand up and shout “BULLSHIT,” (or shout out “PELOSI,” – it means the same thing).

Apple app used to sue the world for patent infringement

The news of Apple suing HTC for patent infringement have the blogs buzzing with sarcasm. In that vein, I offer two hilarious posts.  Enjoy!

Presenting the iPatent.  (Shout out to Drippler for this image)

Also, announced on DevTopics is Apple’s latest suit (presumably decided by the above iPatent app):

Apple Inc. has filed a federal lawsuit against “the world” for violating its U.S. Patent 3,141,5926 “Removing a Booger by Performing Gestures with a Finger.” Apple is demanding licensing royalties from all world citizens who pick their nose, and a cease & desist order against Kleenex tissues for providing citizens with an alternate method to jailbreak boogers and avoid Apple’s patent.

Read the rest of DevTopic article here.  Be prepared to laugh (or cry).