Interesting that the sign says “we” and not “I”
Category Archives: Sports
New Federal Golf Rules
Major rule changes in the game of golf will become effective January 20, 2013.
This is only a preview as the complete rule book (expect 2012 pages) is being rewritten as we speak.
Here are a few of the changes:
Golfers with handicaps:
- Below 10 will have their green fees increased by 35%.
- Between 11 and 18 will see no increase in green fees.
- Above 18 will get a $20 check each time they play.
The term “gimmie” will be changed to “entitlement” and will be used as follows:
- Handicaps below 10, no entitlements.
- Handicaps from 11 to 17, entitlements for putter length putts.
- Handicaps above 18, if your ball is on the green, no need to putt, just pick it up.
These entitlements are intended to bring about fairness and, most importantly, equality in scoring.
No private club can accept any more white male members until the club has a membership percentage equal to the general ethnic percentage of the US. Non-white or non-male members will not be charged a membership fee until such time as the club achieves equality.
All members at a private club must take golf lessons from an approved USGA professional. If a member cannot afford to pay for such lessons then the club will provide those lessons free of charge. The cost of the lessons will then be offset by additional dues from the more affluent members of the club. If golfers want additional practice then they may want to look into purchasing golfing software (find it here) to help them with their current skills.
Tee boxes will be changed to the following:
- female non-whites will the closest to the green and no more than 150 yards from the edge of the green.
- male non-whites will be the 2nd closest to the green and no more than 200 yards from the edge of the green.
- female whites will be in the same location as current but not closer than the above two tee boxes.
- white males will be located at the furthest location currently developed (commonly known as the ‘tips”) and no closer than the above 3.
In addition, a Player will be limited to a maximum of one birdie or six pars in any given 18-hole round. Any excess must be given to those fellow players who have not yet scored a birdie or par. Only after all players have received a birdie or par from the player actually making the birdie or par, can that player begin to count his pars and birdies again .
A hole-in-one shall be evenly distributed to all members of the foursome – the success of one player shall be the success of all players.
At any time, the person that has the worst score in the foursome can place their ball at the same place as the person with best score in the foursome without penalty.
The current USGA handicap system will be used for the above purposes, but the term “net score” will be available only for scoring those players with handicaps of 18 and above. This is intended to “re-distribute” the success of winning by making sure that in all competitions every Player above an 18 handicap will post only “net score” against every other player’s “gross score”.
These new Rules are intended to CHANGE the game of golf.
Golf must be about Fairness. It should have nothing to do with ability, hard work, practice, and responsibility.
This is the “Right Thing To Do.”
So, please remember; if you shot a round of golf under par, you didn’t shoot it yourself. Someone else built that course, and someone else cut the grass so that you could play on it. Someone else built the clubs and the cart.
You need to share with everyone and anyone who made you a successful golfer.
Some QB That I Used To Know – Manning and Tebow
Irish Golfer
A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer’s ball beside him. Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.
‘Arrgh! What happened?’ the Leprechaun asked.
‘I’m afraid I hit you with my golf ball,’ the golfer says.
‘Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?’
‘Thank God, you’re all right!’ the golfer answers in relief. ‘I don’t want anything, I’m just glad you’re OK, and I apologize.’
And the golfer walks off.
‘What a nice guy,’ the Leprechaun says to himself. I have to do something for him. I’ll give him the three things I would want… a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life.’
A year goes by and the golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.
‘Twas me that made ye hit the ball here, ‘ the little guy says. ‘I just want to ask ye, how’s yer golf game?’
‘My game is fantastic!’ the golfer answers. I’m an internationally famous golfer now.’ He adds, ‘By the way, it’s good to see you’re all right.’
‘Oh, I’m fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how’s yer money situation?’
‘Why, it’s just wonderful!’ the golfer states. ‘When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100 bills I didn’t even know were there!’
‘I did that fer ye also.’ And tell me, how’s yer sex life?’
The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, ‘It’s OK.’
C’mon, c’mon now,’ urged the Leprechaun, ‘I’m wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?’
Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, ‘Once, sometimes twice a week.’
Golf tip
A Golfer has been slicing off the tee on every hole. He finally gives up and asks his long suffering caddy if he has seen any obvious problems.
To which the caddy replies, “There’s a piece of shit on the end of your club.”
The Golfer picks his club up and cleans the club face at which point the caddy says,
Why Women Dressed in Leather Drive Men Crazy
Do you know that when a woman wears a leather dress, a man’s heart beats quicker, his throat gets dry. He gets weak in the knees, and he begins to think irrationally.
Did you ever wonder why?
Continue reading Why Women Dressed in Leather Drive Men Crazy
From bad to worse
At dawn the telephone rings.
"Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."
"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead".
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"
"Si, Senor, that’s the one."
"Damn! That’s a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"
"From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod."
"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"
"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse. "
"Dead horse? What dead horse?"
"The thoroughbred, Senor Rod."
"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"
"Yes, Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."
"Are you insane? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor."
"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"
"The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."
"What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!"
"Yes, Senor Rod."
"But there’s electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"
"For the funeral, Senor Rod."
"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"
"Your wife’s, Senor Rod". She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Ping G15 204g titanium head golf club with the TFC 149D graphite shaft."
SILENCE………..LONG SILENCE………VERY LONG SILENCE.
"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you’re in deep shit."
Deadly golfer
Verne was teeing off from the men’s tee.
On his downswing, he realized that his wife, Joy, was teeing up on the woman’s tee directly in front of him. Unable to stop his swing, he nailed it, and hit her directly in the temple, killing her instantly.
A few days later, Verne got a call from the coroner regarding her autopsy.
Coroner: "Verne, your wife seemed to have died from blunt force trauma to the head. You said you hit a golf ball and hit her in the temple, is that correct?"
Verne: "Yes, sir, that’s correct."
Coroner: "Well, inexplicably I found a golf ball wedged up her ass."
Verne: "Was it a Titleist 3?"
Coroner: "Yes, it was."
Verne: "That was my mulligan."
Golf Meditations
If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.
Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three.
No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse.
When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.
A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponents luck.
Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.
You can put “draw” on the ball, you can put “fade” on the ball, but no golfer can put “straight” on the ball.
Don’t buy a putter until you’ve had a chance to throw it.
Mexican summer Olympic team
Mexico doesn’t have a summer Olympic team, because anyone who can run, jump or swim is already across the border.