Bad Obama jokes

The liberals are asking us to give Obama time.

We agree and think 25 to life would be appropriate.

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America needs Obamacare like Nancy Pelosi needs a Halloween mask.

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Q: Have you heard about McDonalds new Obama Value Meal?
A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it.

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Q: What does Barack Obama call lunch with a convicted felon?
A: A fund raiser.

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Q: What’s the difference between Obama’s cabinet and a penitentiary?
A: One is filled with tax evaders, blackmailers and threats to society.
The other is for housing prisoners.

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If Nancy Pelosi and Obama were on a boat in the middle of the ocean and It
started to sink, who would be saved? …. America !

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Q: What’s the difference between Obama and his dog, Bo?
A: Bo has papers.

EVER WONDER ……

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

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Why can’t women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

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Why don’t you ever see the headline ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?

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Why is ‘abbreviated’ such a long word?

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Why is it that doctors call what they do ‘practice’?

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Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

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Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

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Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

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Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

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Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

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Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

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You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

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Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

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Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

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If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

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If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Jokes to offend everyone

Q. What’s the Cuban National Anthem?

A. Row, Row, Row Your Boat.

Q. Where does an Irish family go on vacation?

A. A different bar.

Q. What did the Chinese couple name their tan, curly-haired baby?

A. Sum Ting Wong.

Q. What do you call an Italian that has one arm shorter than the other?

A. A speech impediment.

Q. Why aren’t there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek?

A. Because they’re not going to work in the future either.

Q. Why do Driver’s Ed classes in redneck schools use the car only on Monday, Wednesday and Friday?

A. Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Q. What’s the difference between a northern zoo and a southern zoo?

A. The southern zoo has a description of the animal along with a recipe.

Q. How do you get a sweet little 80 year old lady to say the “F” word?

A. Get another sweet little 80 year old lady to yell “BINGO”.

Q. What’s the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?

A. A northern fairytale begins: “Once upon a time …. ” A southern fairytale begins: “Y’all ain’t gonna believe this ….”

Q. Why doesn’t Mexico have an Olympic team?

A. Because all the Mexicans who can run, jump or swim are already in the United States.

A Jewish Story

An 18 year old Jewish girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting and crying, the mother says, “Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!”

Without answering, the girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Mercedes stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and wearing a yarmulke steps out of the car and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them, “Good morning. Your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can’t marry her because of my personal family situation but I’ll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath: two retail furniture stores, a deli, a condo in Miami, and a $1,000,000.00 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a chain of jewelry stores and a $25,000,000.00 bank account.

However, if there is a miscarriage, I’m not sure what to do. What do you suggest?

The mother, who has remained silent until now, places a hand firmly on the man’s shoulder and says, “You’ll fuck her again!”

Five rules for men to follow for a happy life

1. It’s important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It’s important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.

3. It’s important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn’t lie to you.

4. It’s important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.

5. It’s very, very important that these four women do not know each other.

Signed

Tiger Woods