I found this image at Break but it was pointed out to me by TheJoker.
Your Dad Gives The Awesomest Facebook Advice
I found this gem at Next Round.
Dilbert making fun of old men
I am impressed when Scott Adams is politically incorrect!!
Tiger’s night before Thanksgiving
Twas the night of Thanksgiving and out of the house
Tiger Woods came a flyin’, chased by his spouse.
She wielded a nine iron and wasn’t too merry,
Cause a bimbo’s phone number was in his Blackberry.
He’d been cheatin’ on Elin, and the story progressed.
Woman after woman stepped up and confessed.
He’d been cheatin’ with Holly, and Jaimee, and Cori,
With Joselyn, and Kalika. The world had the story.
From the top of the Tour to the basement of blues,
Tiger’s sad sordid tale was all over the news.
With hostesses, waitresses, he had lots of sex,
When not in their pants, he was sendin’ them texts.
Despite all his cryin’ and beggin’ and pleadin’,
Tiger’s wife went investin’ — a new home in Sweden.
And I heard her exclaim from her white Escalade,
“If you’re gettin’ laid then I’m gettin’ paid.”
She’s not pouting, in fact, she is of jolly good cheer,
Her prenup made Christmas come early this year.
You know you are a redneck
- You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
- You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.
- Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
- You burn your yard rather than mow it.
- The Salvation Army declines your furniture.
- You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don’t want it.
- You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
- You come back from the dump with more than you took.
- You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
- Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
- Your grandmother has ‘ammo’ on her Christmas list.
- You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.
- You’ve been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
- You go to the stock car races and don’t need a program.
- You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
- You have a rag for a gas cap.
- Your house doesn’t have curtains, but your truck does.
- You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.
- You can spit without opening your mouth.
- You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.
- Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
- You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say ‘Cool Whip’ on the side.
- The biggest city you’ve ever been to is Wal-Mart.
- Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
- You’ve used your ironing board as a buffet table.
- A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements.
- You’ve used a toilet brush to scratch your back.
- You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.
- You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65.
Merry Christmas
No joke – I really hope that your Christmas is wonderful.
Don’t forget to do something really special for at least one person today.
Hung the Christmas lights with care
The wife has been on my case to get the Christmas lights up for a couple of weeks now.
They are up now, and for some reason she will not talk to me.
Short on cash this Christmas
My dear friends and family,
Somewhat embarrassing to admit, I’m not getting an annual bonus and Christmas is tight this year. I will be making bedroom slippers for you all as gifts. Please let me know your sizes. You’ll most likely agree that it’s a splendid idea, and should you wish to do the same, I’ve included the instructions below.
How to make bedroom slippers out of maxi pads:
- You need four maxi pads to make a pair.
- Two of them get laid out flat, for the foot part.
- The other two wrap around the toe area to form the top.
- Tape or glue each side of the top pieces to the bottom of the foot part.
- Decorate the tops with whatever you desire, silk flowers (this is most aesthetically appealing), etc.
These slippers are:
- Soft and Hygienic
- Non-slip grip strips on the soles * Built in deodorant feature keeps feet smelling fresh
- No more bending over to mop up spills
- Disposable and biodegradable
- Environmentally safe
- Three convenient sizes: (1.) Regular, (2.) Light and (3.) Get out the Sand Bags..
I’ve attached a photo of the first pair I made so that you can see the nifty slippers for yourself….
Awaiting your response. It’s crucial that I get the right size for each one of you.
Johnny before Christmas break
It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.
Teacher: “Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today.”
Little Johnny says to himself “Good, I want to get outta here. I’m smart and will answer the question.”
Teacher: “Who said ‘Four Score and Seven Years Ago’?”
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, “Abraham Lincoln.”
Teacher: “That’s right Susie, you can go home.”
Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.
Teacher: “Who said ‘I Have a Dream’?”
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, “Martin Luther King.”
Teacher: “That’s right Mary, you can go.”
Johnny is even madder than before.
Teacher: “Who said ‘Ask not, what your country can do for you’?”
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, “John F. Kennedy.”
Teacher: “That’s right Nancy , you may also leave.”
Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.
When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, “I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!”
The teacher turns around: “NOW WHO SAID THAT?”
Johnny: “TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?”
T’was the night before Kwansa
t’was the night before kwansa and all through the crib,
Not a white man was lurking, all present were splib.
With mom out there hooking and dad in the slam,
I just settled down with some collards and ham.
The house was just freezin and covered with snow,
as my brother pulled up in a care he dun stole.
Grandma was boozin with stoli and jack,
while two brothers in the corner were smokin some crack.
When out in the yard there arose such a clatter,
A headache was forming from the old lady’s chatter.
His sleigh hit the roof, it came to a stop,
three more feet, a fifty foot drop.
He came down the chimney like a bat out of hell,
I knew in a moment the fucker had fell.
He came out the fireplace, his beard full of ash.
He went through our pockets, he looded our cash.
He filled all our stockings with pretzels and beer,
and a big rubber dick for my brother the queer.
The preacher was preaching and counting the dough,
one brother was bitchin and smackin his hoe.
They scarffed down some chicken, deep fried in some grease,
as leroy stood guard, one hand on his piece.
he flew off the roof and climbed out of sight,
he wished everyone a special good night.