Tag Archives: time

Tiger Woods and the Newlyweds

A newlywed couple is on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about to consummate their marriage, when the bride says to her husband, “I have a confession to make… I’m not a virgin. I’ve been with another man.”

The husband replies, “That’s no big thing in this day and age. Who’s the other guy?”

“Tiger Woods,” says the wife.

“Tiger Woods, the golfer?”

“Yes.”

“Well, he’s rich and famous,” the husband says. “I can see why you went to bed with him.”

So the husband and wife proceed to make passionate love. When they finish, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

“What are you doing?” asks the wife.

“I’m hungry,” the husband replies. “I’m going to call room service and get us something to eat.”

“Tiger wouldn’t do that,” his wife shot back.

“Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?” the husband asks.

“He’d come back to bed and make love to me a second time.”

The husband puts down the phone, jumps back in bed, and the couple makes love a second time. When they finish, the husband gets up and walks over to the phone.

“Now what are you doing?” asks the wife.

“I’m still hungry, so I was going to call room service.”

“Tiger wouldn’t do that,” the wife says again.

The husband slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love to his wife one more time.

When they finish, the husband is tired and beat. He drags himself out of bed and over to the phone.

The wife asks, “Are you calling room service?”

“No, I’m calling Tiger Woods to find out the par for this damn hole!”

(Shout out to Web Funny where I found this)

Facts about Americans. Did you know that . . .

Only 30% of us can flare our nostrils.

21% of us don’t make our bed daily. 5% of us never do.

Men do 29% of laundry each week. Only 7% of women trust their husbands to do it correctly.

40% of women have hurled footwear at a man.

67.5% of men were tightie whities (briefs).

3 out of 4 of us store our dollar bills in rigid order with singles leading up to higher denominations.

13% of us admit to occassionally doing our offspring’s homework.

91% of us lie regularly.

27% admit to cheating on a test or quiz.

29% admit they’ve intentionally stolen something from a store.

50% admit they regularly sneak food into movie theaters to avoid the high prices of snack foods.

90% believe in divine retribution.

10% believe in the 10 Commandments.

82% believe in an afterlife.

45% believe in ghosts.

13% (mostly men) have spent a night in jail.

58.4% have called into work sick when we weren’t.

10% of us switch tags in the store to pay less for an item.

Over 50% believe in spanking – but only a child over 2 years old.

35% give to charity at least once a month.

How far would you go for $10 million? 25% would abandon their friends, family, and church. 7% would murder.

69% eat the cake before the frosting.

When nobody else is around, 47% drink straight from the carton.

85% of us will eat Spam this year.

70% of us drink orange juice daily.

Snickers is the most popular candy.

22% of us skip lunch daily.

9% of us skip breakfast daily.

66% of us eat cereal regularly.

22% of all restaurant meals include french fries.

14% of us eat the watermelon seeds.

Only 13% brush our teeth from side to side.

45% use mouthwash every day.

22% leave the glob of toothpaste in the sink.

The typical shower is 101 degrees F.

Nearly 1/3 of U.S. women color their hair.

9% of women and 8% of men have had cosmetic surgery.

53% of women will not leave the house without makeup on.

58% of women paint their nails regularly.

33% of women lie about their weight.

10% of us claim to have seen a ghost.

57% have had deja vu.

49% believe in ESP.

44% have broken a bone.

Only 30% of us know our cholesterol level.

14% have attended a self-help meeting.

15% regularly go to a shrink.

78% would rather die quickly than live in a retirement home.

30% of us refuse to sit on a public toilet seat.

54.2% of us always wash our hands after using the toilet.

39% of us peek in our host’s bathroom cabinet. 17% have been caught by the host.

29% of us ignore RSVP.

71.6% of us eavesdrop.

22% are functionally illiterate.

Less than 10% are trilingual.

37% claim to know how to use all the features on their VCR.

53% prefer ATM machines over tellers.

56% of women do the bills in a marriage.

2 out of 3 of us wouldn’t give up their spouse even for a night for a million U.S. dollars.

20% of us have played in a band at one time in our life.

40% of us have had music lessons.

44% reuse tinfoil.

57% save pretty gift paper to reuse.

66% of women and 59% of men have used a mix to cook and taken credit for doing it from scratch.

53% read their horoscopes regularly.

16% of us have forgotten our own wedding anniversary (mostly men).

59% of us say we’re average-looking.

Blacks are more than twice as likely to call themselves beautiful.

90% of us depend on alarm clocks to wake us.

53% of us would take advice from Anne Landers.

51% of adults dress up for a Halloween festivity.

On average, we send 38 Christmas cards every year.

20% of women consider their parents to be their best friends.

2 out of 5 have married their first love.

The biggest cause of matrimonial fighting is money.

Only 4% asked the parents’ approval for their bride’s hand.

1 in 5 men proposed on his knees.

6% propose over the phone.

71% can drive a stick-shift car.

45% of us consistantly follow the speed limit.

2/3 of us speed up at a yellow light.

1/3 of us don’t wear seat belts.

12% of men never use their car blinkers.

44% of men tailgate to speed up the person in front of them.

25% of us drive after we’ve been drinking.

4 out of 5 sing in the car.

(this list was found at Aha! Jokes)

SEC workers like porn!

I couldn’t help laughing at this bit of news! I picked this up at Crossing Wall Street:

From the NYT: It seems that the Securities and Exchange Commission may have a pornography problem even bigger than expected.

Gawker reported that S.E.C. is investigating allegations and reports of rampant pornography viewing, surfing, sharing, and downloading by employees on their work computers.

From popular PornHub and Tube V to animated porn cartoons on 4Chan of all places! These employees apparently know where to find their fun, if only it wasn’t at the taxpayers’ expense!

Now we’ve obtained reports of 16 investigations into porn-surfing by SEC employees and contractors (one of them is a woman!), The
blog writes
. This is including one man who said his daily porn viewing at work was limited to “no longer than an hour and a half a day.”

Call that limited!? What kind of superhuman can watch an hour and a half of porn every day and not exhaust themselves? All without his supervisor noticing as well? Is the supervisor also at their own desk watching PornSex or other naughty things? What a scoop! But it doesn’t end there, the article continues:

The sixteen cases reported by Gawker follows a February article by The Washington Times, which first reported details of the S.E.C.’s
internal investigation.

In a semiannual report by the S.E.C.’s internal watchdog to Congress released in December, H. David Kotz, the S.E.C.’s inspector general outlines numerous cases of misconduct by former and current employees, including two instances of S.E.C. officials using their office computers to view pornography on the Internet.

Wow! Whenever you think of your supervisor yelling at you for peeking at Facebook, try not to get jealous of the S.E.C officials who had been getting away with watching porn long for who knows how long. Someone get these employees a relationship councellor.

Five rules for men to follow for a happy life

1. It’s important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It’s important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.

3. It’s important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn’t lie to you.

4. It’s important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.

5. It’s very, very important that these four women do not know each other.

Signed

Tiger Woods