Tag Archives: church

Quickie, Religion, Sports

All golfers should live so long as to be this kind of old man!

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Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked, "How many of  you have forgiven your enemies?"

80% held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one man, an avid golfer named Walter Barnes, who attended church only when the weather was bad.

"Mr. Barnes, it’s obviously not a good morning for golf. It’s good to see you here today. Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don’t have any," he replied gruffly.

"Mr. Barnes, that is very unusual. How old are you?"

"Ninety-eight," he replied. The congregation stood up and clapped  their hands.

"Oh, Mr. Barnes, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the  world?"

The old golfer tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, turned around, faced the  congregation, and said simply, "I outlived all the sons of bitches."

Marriage, Quickie, Religion

Sunday morning sex – perfect thoughts for Valentines Day

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Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent’s house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He’d still be alive if that damn ice cream truck hadn’t come along."

 

I hope that the bells are ringing for you and your loved one.

Happy Valentines Day

Ethnic, Men, Quickie, Religion

Irish logic

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Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday & the priest almost fell down when he saw him. He’d never been to church in his life.

After Mass, the priest caught up with him & said, “Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?”

Murphy said, “I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass & figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn’s hat.”

The priest said, “Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn’t steal McGlynn’s hat. What changed your mind?”

Murphy replied, “Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn’t need to steal McGlynn’s hat after all.”

With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said; “After I talked about ‘Thou Shalt Not Steal’ ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell?”

Murphy slowly shook his head. “No, Father, after ya talked about ‘Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery’ I remembered where I left me hat.”

Quickie, Religion

Preacher: Don’t do what I say

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A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher’s hand. He said, ‘Preacher, I’ll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!’

The preacher said, ‘Thank you sir, but I’d rather you didn’t use profanity.’

The man said, ‘I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!’

The preacher said, ‘No shit?’

Ethnic, Religion

Catholic Dictionary – For Catholics Only

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This information is for Catholics only. It must not be divulged to non-Catholics. The less they know about our rituals and code words, the better off they are.

AMEN The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.
BULLETIN Your receipt for attending Mass.
CHOIR A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the Parish to lip-sync.
HOLY WATER A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.
HYMN A song of praise usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation’s range.
INCENSE Holy Smoke!
JESUITS An order of priests known for their ability to find colleges with good basketball teams.
JONAH The original ‘Jaws’ story.
JUSTICE When kids have kids of their own.
KYRIE
ELEISON		 The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava. (For you non-Catholics it means “Lord have mercy”.)
MAGI The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.
MANGER Where Mary placed Jesus because Joseph forgot the crib when packing the donkey.
PEW A medieval torture device still found in Catholic churches.
PROCESSION The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.
RECESSIONAL The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.
RECESSIONAL HYMN The last song at Mass often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.
RELICS People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.
STABLE Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn’t covered by an HMO. (The Bible’s way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough.)
TEN COMMANDMENTS The most important Top Ten list not presented by David Letterman.
USHER The only people in the parish who don’t know the seating capacity of a pew.