Category Archives: Sarcasm

Celebrity, Family, Sarcasm

30 Hilarious Answers Given on Family Feud

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  1. Name something a blind person might use – A sword
  2. Name a song with moon in the title – Blue Suede Moon
  3. Name a bird with a long neck – Naomi Campbell
  4. Name an occupation where you need a torch – A burglar
  5. Name a dangerous race – The Arabs
  6. Name an item of clothing worn by the 3 musketeers – A horse
  7. Something you open other than a door – Your bowels
  8. A food that can be brown or white – Potato
  9. A jacket potato topping – Jam
  10. A famous Scotsman – Jock
  11. Something with a hole in it – Window
  12. A non living object with legs – Plant
  13. A domestic animal – Leopard
  14. A part of the body beginning with ‘N’ – Knee
  15. A way of cooking fish – Cod
  16. Something that flies that doesn’t have an engine – A bicycle with wings
  17. Name a famous bridge – The bridge over troubled waters
  18. Something a cat does – Goes to the toilet
  19. Something you do in the bathroom – Decorate
  20. Name an animal you might see at the zoo – A dog
  21. Something associated with the police – Pigs
  22. A sign of the zodiac – April
  23. Name something that floats in the bath – Water
  24. Name something you wear on the beach – A deckchair
  25. Name something Red – My cardigan
  26. Name a famous cowboy – Buck Rogers
  27. A number you have to memorize – 7
  28. Something you do before going to bed – Sleep
  29. Something you put on walls – Roofs
  30. Something in the garden that’s green – Shed
Quickie, Religion, Sarcasm, Seasonal

A MAJOR MERGER IS ANNOUNCED

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This just in from News Service:

A MAJOR MERGER IS ANNOUNCED

Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers and acquisitions, it was announced today at a press conference that Christmas and Chanukah will merge.

An industry source said that the deal had been in the works for about 1300 years, ever since the rise of the Muslim Empire. While details were not available at press time, it is believed that the overhead cost of having twelve days of Christmas and eight days of Chanukah was becoming prohibitive for both organizations. By combining forces, we’re told, the world will be able to enjoy consistently high-quality service during the Twenty Days of Christmukah, as the new holiday is being called. Massive layoffs are expected, with lords a-leaping and maids a-milking being the hardest hit.

As part of the conditions of the agreement, the letters on the dreydl, currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus becoming unintelligible to a wider audience. Also, instead of translating "A great miracle happened there," the message on the dreydl will be the more generic "Miraculous stuff happens." In exchange, it is believed that Jews will be allowed to use Santa Claus and his vast merchandising resources for buying and delivering gifts.

In fact, one of the sticking points holding up the agreement for at least three hundred years was the question of whether Jewish children could leave milk and cookies for Santa after having eaten meat for dinner. A breakthrough came last year, when Oreos were finally declared to be Kosher. Both organizations hailed this as a win-win.

A spokesman for Christmas, Inc., declined to say whether a takeover of Kwanzaa might not be in the works as well. He merely pointed out that, were it not for the independent existence of Kwanzaa, the merger between Christmas and Chanukah might indeed be seen as an unfair cornering of the holiday market. Fortunately for all concerned, he said, Kwanzaa will help to maintain the competitive balance.

He then closed the press conference by leading all present in a rousing rendition of "Oy, Come All Ye Faithful."

Ethnic, Sarcasm

Math test

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Schools are finally starting to teach practical math that these kids can use in real-life situations.

NAME ____________________

GANG/CREW NAME ______________

CRIB _________________

1. Lajames has an AK-47 with a 200-round clip. He usually misses 6 of every 10 shots and he uses 13 rounds per drive- by shootin.  How many mofos can Lajames ice on a drive- by, before he gotta reload?

2. Leroy has 2 ounces of cocaine.  If he sells an 8 ball to Antonio for $320 and 2 grams to Juan for $85 per gram, what be the street value of the rest of his shit?

3. Dwayne pimps 3 ho’s.  If the price is $85 per trick, how many tricks per day must each ho turn to support Dwayne’s $800 per day Crack habit?

4. Raul wants to cut the pound of cocaine he bought for $40,000 to make 20% profit. How many ounce bags will he need to make to gets the 20% upside?

5. Ray-Ray gets $2000 for a stolen BMW, $1500 for stealing a Corvette, and $1000 for a 4 x 4.  If he steals 1 BMW, 2 Corvettes and 3 4×4’s, how many more Corvettes must he steal to make the 10k for his brother’s bail?

6. Pedro got 6 years for murder.  He also got $10,000 for the hit. If his common-law wife spends $100 of his hit money per month, how much money will be left when he gets out?

7. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can be sprayed with three 8 oz. Cans of spray paint with 20% paint left over?

8. Tyrone knocked up 4 girls in the gang. There be 20 girls in his gang.  What be the percentage of bitches Tyrone knocked up?

9. Lafwanda is a lookout for the gang.  Lafwanda also has a Boa Constrictor that eats 5 rats per week and a cost of $5 per rat.  If Lafwanda makes $700 a week as a lookout, how many weeks can she feed her snake with one week’s income?

10. Marvin steals Juan’s skateboard.  As Marvin skates away at 15mph, Juan loads his 357 Magnum piece.  If it takes Juan 20 seconds to load his piece, how far away will Marvin be when he gets whacked?

Politics, Sarcasm

Two pictures–what an ego

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Here is what Obama needs set up to talk to a few school children.  Not much room for kids.  Still needs to have the teleprompters. The Secret Service guy in back keeps eyes out for any terrorist-type-8-year-old with tea-partying parents.

image

 

Here’s what the last guy needed…

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Of course, it could be because the children with President Bush are actually smarter than the ones with President Obama.

Ethnic, Marriage, Men, Politics, Religion, Sarcasm, Women

May I own a Canadian?

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In her radio show, Dr Laura Schlesinger said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance.

The following response is an open letter to Dr. Laura, written by a US man, and posted on the Internet. It’s funny, as well as informative:

Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God’s Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination … End of that debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God’s Laws and how to follow them:

  1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can’t I own Canadians?
  2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?
  3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of Menstrual uncleanliness – Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.
  4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord – Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?
  5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?
  6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination, Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don’t agree. Can you settle this? Are there ‘degrees’ of abomination?
  7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?
  8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?
  9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?
  10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16. Couldn’t we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I’m confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God’s word is eternal and unchanging.

An adoring fan.

PS: It would be a damn shame if we couldn’t own a Canadian.