Category Archives: Men

Men, Quickie, Women

Nurses aren’t supposed to laugh…

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"Of course I won’t laugh," said the nurse.  "I’m a professional. In over twenty years I’ve never laughed at a patient."

"Okay then," said Fred, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the smallest male part the nurse had ever seen.  It’s length and width was almost identical to a AAA battery.  Unable to control herself, the nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just came out. And then she started laughing  at the fact that she was laughing.  Feeling very badly that she had laughed at the man’s part,  she composed herself as well as she could.

"I am so sorry," she said. "I don’t know what came over me.  On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise that won’t happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?"

Continue reading Nurses aren’t supposed to laugh… →

Men, Quickie, Women

BEST AUSSIE PICK UP LINE EVER

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An Aussie walks into a pub and takes a seat  next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, ‘Is your date running late?’

‘No’, he replies, ‘I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it.’

The intrigued woman says, ‘A state-of-the-art watch? What’s so special about it?’

The Aussie explains, ‘It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.’

The lady says, ‘What’s it telling you now?’

Well, it says you’re not wearing any panties.’

 

Continue reading BEST AUSSIE PICK UP LINE EVER →

Family, Men, Women

Part of the family

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As a woman passed her daughter’s closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter with a vibrator. Shocked, she asked: ‘What in the world are you doing?’

The daughter replied: ‘Mom, I’m thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I’ll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.’

The next day, the girl’s father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator. To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said: ‘Dad I’m thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I’ll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.’

A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip , placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the living room. She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV. The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy. The wife asked: ‘What the hell are you doing?’

Continue reading Part of the family →

Marriage, Men, Women

10 Husbands and still a Virgin

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A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I’m still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you’ve been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he’d look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn’t get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn’t know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn’t sure whether it was his job or not.

Continue reading 10 Husbands and still a Virgin →

Men, Quickie

Female marine

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Entering a classroom at MCAS (Marine Corps Air Station) Yuma, a female Marine Captain encountered a clearly apathetic audience. She was selected to provide a full hour’s instruction on Iraqi electronic warfare capabilities to 150 Marine aviators who showed by their body language deep skepticism about her ability to teach war fighting skills to an all-male class.

She began by noting that her voice had just been tested to see if it was suitable for some new cockpit recorder messages for Marine aircraft. She said that unfortunately she had not been selected to be the new “Bitching Betty.” However, she said it was only fair to warn the audience the reason given for her non-selection was that an analysis of her voice pattern revealed that her particular voice had a tendency to lull to sleep any male homosexual within earshot.

The assembled officers shot upright in their chairs. 150 pairs of eyes were wide open and locked on her and stayed that way for the rest of the period.

Now don’t you just love those female Marines?

Men, Quickie, Religion, Women

Cabbie and the Nun

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A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won’t stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.  He replies: ‘I have a question to ask, but I don’t want to offend you.’

She answers, ‘ My son, you cannot offend me.  When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything.  I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.’

‘Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.’

She responds, ‘Well, let’s see what we can do about that:  #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.’

The cab driver is very excited and says, ‘Yes, I’m single and Catholic!’

‘OK’ the nun says.  ‘Pull into the next alley.’

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

‘My dear child,’ said the nun, ‘Why are you  crying?’ Continue reading Cabbie and the Nun →

Men, Quickie, Women

First date

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A while back, when I was considerably younger, I picked up a date at her parents’ home.

I’d scraped together some money to take her to a fancy restaurant. She ordered the most expensive items on the menu. Shrimp cocktail.  Lobster. Champagne .

I asked her, “Does your mother feed you like that when you eat at home?”

“No,” she replied. “but my mother’s not expecting a blow job tonight.”

I said, “enjoy..”

Men, Quickie, Women

13 Names That Men Call their Women

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What’s in a name? Apparently, a lot more than you (or I) ever thought there was. Here’s what his pet name for you really means…..

  1. Darling — Depends on how he says it. If he stresses the first syllable, then he’s probably done something wrong or wants money.
  2. Dear — Probably a leftover from his parents. Expect him to wear woolly cardigans, smoke a pipe and prefer a mug of Ovaltine to lager.
  3. Sweetheart — If it’s said patronizingly, it’s not so sweet. But when uttered in earnest, it may send your own sweet heart aflutter.
  4. Babe — Not to be confused with the film of the same name. Check for flares or signs that he’s a 70s throwback. He’s a bit of a medallion man. Chances are he’s got his initials on his chunky ring. Leave immediately if he tries to sell you a second-hand car.
  5. Baby doll — This type of man will probably require you to wear transparent frilly nighties even in the dead of winter. He doesn’t want you to grow up, and obviously can’t deal with real women.
  6. Princess — Never trust a man who calls you princess. You may think you’re being treated like royalty, but beware of Prince Charmings – they may be secretly plotting your over- throw.
  7. Sexy — Fine if you’re sexy. If you’re not, who cares? He probably thinks you are anyway!!
    My girlfriend — He’s honest, open and probably glad to have you around. The next thing you know he’ll be using your name!
  8. The wife — If you’re married then he probably thinks he owns you. If you’re not, he probably thinks you act like his wife, in which case, he thinks he owns you.
  9. My other half — You complete the set – he’s only half a man without you. But it may make you feel as though you are losing your identity somewhere.
  10. The missus — See The Wife.
  11. My partner — He’s right on. Probably likes eating tofu and hugging trees.
  12. My significant other — He’s even more right on. Probably thinks it’s cruel to eat tofu and that trees need their own space.
  13. She who must be obeyed — He thinks you’re a nag, but probably doesn’t lift a finger around the house.