This information is for Catholics only. It must not be divulged to non-Catholics. The less they know about our rituals and code words, the better off they are.
| AMEN | The only part of a prayer that everyone knows. |
| BULLETIN | Your receipt for attending Mass. |
| CHOIR | A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the Parish to lip-sync. |
| HOLY WATER | A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY. |
| HYMN | A song of praise usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation’s range. |
| INCENSE | Holy Smoke! |
| JESUITS | An order of priests known for their ability to find colleges with good basketball teams. |
| JONAH | The original ‘Jaws’ story. |
| JUSTICE | When kids have kids of their own. |
| KYRIE ELEISON |
The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava. (For you non-Catholics it means “Lord have mercy”.) |
| MAGI | The most famous trio to attend a baby shower. |
| MANGER | Where Mary placed Jesus because Joseph forgot the crib when packing the donkey. |
| PEW | A medieval torture device still found in Catholic churches. |
| PROCESSION | The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats. |
| RECESSIONAL | The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot. |
| RECESSIONAL HYMN | The last song at Mass often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left. |
| RELICS | People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand. |
| STABLE | Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn’t covered by an HMO. (The Bible’s way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough.) |
| TEN COMMANDMENTS | The most important Top Ten list not presented by David Letterman. |
| USHER | The only people in the parish who don’t know the seating capacity of a pew. |