All posts by admin

Politics, Quickie

Community Service

Leave a comment

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, "I cannot accept money from you, I’m doing community service this week." The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a ‘thank you’ card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, "I cannot accept money from you , I’m doing community service this week." The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a ‘thank you’ card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, "I cannot accept money from you. I’m doing community service this week." The Congressman was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

Animals, Politics

Coyote problem solved by different Governors

Leave a comment

The Governor of New York is jogging with his dog along a nature trail.  A coyote jumps out, bites the Governor, and attacks his dog.

  1. The Governor starts to intervene, but reflects upon the movie "Bambi", then realizes he should stop, the coyote is only doing what’s natural.
  2. He calls Animal Control. Animal Control captures the coyote and bills the state $200 for testing it for diseases and $500 for relocating it.
  3. He calls a veterinarian. The vet collects the dead dog and bills the state $200 for testing it for disease.
  4. The Governor goes to a hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked for disease from the coyote and for getting his bite wound bandaged.
  5. The running trail is shut down for 6 months, while Fish & Game conducts their $100,000 survey to make sure the area is free of dangerous animals.
  6. The Governor next spends $150,000 in state funds, implementing a "Coyote Awareness" program for residents of the area.
  7. The State Legislature spends $2 million to study how to better treat rabies and how to permanently eradicate the disease, throughout the world.
  8. The Governor’s security agent is fired for not somehow stopping the attack and for letting the Governor attempt to intervene.
  9. Additional cost to State of New York : $175,000 to hire and train a new security agent with additional special training re: The Nature of Coyotes.
  10. PETA protests the coyote’s relocation and files suit against the state.

—————————————
Governor Brewer of Arizona is jogging, with her dog, along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks her dog.

  1. The Governor shoots the coyote with her state-issued pistol and keeps jogging. The Governor has spent $0.50 on a .45 ACP hollow-point cartridge.
  2. Arizona buzzards eat the dead coyote.

And that, my friends, is why New York is broke!

Quickie

Airport security solution

Leave a comment

Here’s a solution to all the controversy over full-body scanners at the  airports:

All we need to do is develop a booth that you can step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have hidden on or in your body. The explosion will be contained within the sealed booth.

This would be a win-win for everyone. There would be none of this crap about racial profiling and the device would eliminate long and expensive trials.

This is so simple that it’s brilliant. I can see it now: you’re in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion. Shortly thereafter an
announcement comes over the PA system, "Attention standby passengers, we now have a seat available on flight number…"

Men, Quickie, Religion, Women

Cabbie and the Nun

Leave a comment

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won’t stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.  He replies: ‘I have a question to ask, but I don’t want to offend you.’

She answers, ‘ My son, you cannot offend me.  When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything.  I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.’

‘Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.’

She responds, ‘Well, let’s see what we can do about that:  #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.’

The cab driver is very excited and says, ‘Yes, I’m single and Catholic!’

‘OK’ the nun says.  ‘Pull into the next alley.’

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

‘My dear child,’ said the nun, ‘Why are you  crying?’ Continue reading Cabbie and the Nun →

Ethnic, Quickie

5 pearls of Scottish Wisdom

Leave a comment

Found this on a bulletin board.  Just so you don’t need to open the image, I am retyping them for your enjoyment.

  1. Money cannot buy happiness but somehow, its more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes Benz than it is on a bicycle.
  2. Forgive your enemy but remember the bastard’s name.
  3. Help a man when he is in trouble and he will remember you when he is in trouble again.
  4. Many people are alive only because it’s illegal to shoot them.
  5. Alcohol does not solve any problem, but then neither does milk.

Here is the image from the bulletin board:

Continue reading 5 pearls of Scottish Wisdom →

Marriage, Quickie

Hearing Problems?

Leave a comment

A man told his doctor, “I don’t think my wife’s hearing is as good as it used to be. What should I do?”

The doctor replied, “Try this test first. When your wife is at the sink doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question. If she doesn’t respond, keep moving closer, asking the same question until she hears you.”

He went home and saw his wife preparing dinner. Standing fifteen feet behind her, he said, “What’s for dinner, honey?”

Hearing no reply, he moved up to ten feet behind her and repeated the question.

Still no reply, so he moved to five feet. Still no answer.

Finally he stood directly behind her and said, “Honey, what’s for dinner tonight?”

Continue reading Hearing Problems? →

Men, Quickie, Women

First date

Leave a comment

A while back, when I was considerably younger, I picked up a date at her parents’ home.

I’d scraped together some money to take her to a fancy restaurant. She ordered the most expensive items on the menu. Shrimp cocktail.  Lobster. Champagne .

I asked her, “Does your mother feed you like that when you eat at home?”

“No,” she replied. “but my mother’s not expecting a blow job tonight.”

I said, “enjoy..”