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Bar story

A guy walks into a bar in Benton, Arkansas and orders a white wine.  All the hillbillies sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see some pitiful Yankee from the north.

The bartender says, "You ain’t from around here, are ya?"

The guy says, "No, I’m from Canada …"

The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada ?" The guy says, "I’m a taxidermist."

The bartender says, "A taxidermist? What in tarnation is a taxidermist? Do you drive a taxi?"

"No, a taxidermist doesn’t drive a taxi. I mount animals."

The bartender grins and hollers, "It’s okay boys. He’s one of us."

BEST AUSSIE PICK UP LINE EVER

An Aussie walks into a pub and takes a seat  next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, ‘Is your date running late?’

‘No’, he replies, ‘I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it.’

The intrigued woman says, ‘A state-of-the-art watch? What’s so special about it?’

The Aussie explains, ‘It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.’

The lady says, ‘What’s it telling you now?’

Well, it says you’re not wearing any panties.’

 

Continue reading BEST AUSSIE PICK UP LINE EVER

Part of the family

As a woman passed her daughter’s closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter with a vibrator. Shocked, she asked: ‘What in the world are you doing?’

The daughter replied: ‘Mom, I’m thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I’ll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.’

The next day, the girl’s father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator. To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said: ‘Dad I’m thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I’ll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.’

A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip , placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the living room. She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV. The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy. The wife asked: ‘What the hell are you doing?’

Continue reading Part of the family

10 Husbands and still a Virgin

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I’m still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you’ve been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he’d look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn’t get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn’t know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn’t sure whether it was his job or not.

Continue reading 10 Husbands and still a Virgin

20 “sexy” facts

  1. Sex is the safest tranquilizer in the world. It is 10 times more effective than valium!
  2. The word “gymnasium” comes from the Greek word gymnazein which means “to exercise naked.”
  3. The greatest recorded number of children one mother had was 69 children.
  4. Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England – but only in tropical fish stores.
  5. An adulterous Greek male was sometimes punished by the removal of his pubic hair and the insertion of a large radish into his rectum.
  6. In India it is cheaper to have sex with a prostitute than buy a condom!
  7. The “normal” person spends 600 hours having sex between the ages of 20 and 70.
  8. The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time television were: Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
  9. Americans spend twice as much money on porn than they do on cookies.
  10. Condoms exposed to smog and other pollutants,  are 25% less effective.
  11. The word, “Hockey” is Archaic slang for “semen.”
  12. People who chew a lot of ice have a higher sex drive.
  13. Women who read romance novels have sex twice as often as those who don’t.
  14. The Ramses brand condom is named after the great Phaoroh Ramses II who fathered over 160 children.
  15. Male bats have the highest rate of homosexuality of any mammal.
  16. 27% of women think money makes a man sexier.
  17. The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.
  18. 85% of men who die of heart-attacks during intercourse, are found to have been cheating on their wives.
  19. Male and female rats may have sex, up to twenty times a day.
  20. For every ‘normal’ webpage, there are five porn pages.

I found this list on My Humor Spot

Female marine

Entering a classroom at MCAS (Marine Corps Air Station) Yuma, a female Marine Captain encountered a clearly apathetic audience. She was selected to provide a full hour’s instruction on Iraqi electronic warfare capabilities to 150 Marine aviators who showed by their body language deep skepticism about her ability to teach war fighting skills to an all-male class.

She began by noting that her voice had just been tested to see if it was suitable for some new cockpit recorder messages for Marine aircraft. She said that unfortunately she had not been selected to be the new “Bitching Betty.” However, she said it was only fair to warn the audience the reason given for her non-selection was that an analysis of her voice pattern revealed that her particular voice had a tendency to lull to sleep any male homosexual within earshot.

The assembled officers shot upright in their chairs. 150 pairs of eyes were wide open and locked on her and stayed that way for the rest of the period.

Now don’t you just love those female Marines?