70 degrees – Texans turn on the heat and unpack the thermal underwear. People in Ohio go swimming in rivers, creeks and and pools.

60 degrees – People in North Carolina try to turn on the heat. Ohioans are still sunbathing.

50 degrees – Californians shiver uncontrollably. People in Ohio plant gardens

40 degrees – Italian and English cars won’t start. People in Ohio drive with the windows down.

32 degrees – Distilled water freezes. Lake Erie water gets thicker.

20 degrees – Floridians don coats, thermal underwear, gloves, and woolly hats. Ohioans throw on a light jacket.

15 degrees – Philadelphia landlords finally turn up the heat. People in Ohio have the last cookout of the season.

0 degrees – All of the people in Miami die. Buckeyes close windows.

-10 degrees – Californians fly to Mexico. People in Ohio get out their winter coats.

-40 degrees – Hollywood disintegrates. The Girl Scouts in Ohio are selling cookies door to door.

-80 degrees – Polar bears begin to evacuate the Arctic. Ohio Boy Scouts postpone “Winter Survival” class until gets cold enough.

-100 degrees – Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. Buckeyes get frustrated because they can’t thaw the keg.

-297 degrees – Microbial life no longer survives on dairy products. Cows in Ohio complain about farmers with cold hands.

-460 degrees – All atomic motion stops. People in Ohio start saying, “Cold ‘buff for ya?”

-500 degrees – Hell freezes over. The Cleveland Browns win the Super Bowl.