Nov 302013
 

Two families moved from Afghanistan to America . When they arrived, the two fathers made a bet: In a year’s time, whichever family had become more Americanized would win.

A year later they met.

The first man said, “My son is playing baseball, I had McDonald’s for breakfast and I’m on my way to pick up a case of Bud… how about you?” Continue reading »

Nov 262013
 

A cowboy has spent many days crossing the Texas plains without water.

His horse has already died of thirst. He’s crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a 
sudden he sees an object sticking out of 
the sand several yards ahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand
 and discovers what looks to be an old briefcase.

He opens it and out pops a genie.
 But this is no ordinary genie. 
She is wearing a FEMA (Federal Emergency
Management Agency) ID badge and a dull gray 
dress. There’s a calculator in her pocketbook,
 and she has a pencil tucked behind one ear.
 “Well, cowboy,” says the genie, “You know how it 
works, you have three wishes.”

“I’m not falling for this,” said the cowboy, 
”I’m not going to trust a FEMA genie.”

“What do you have to lose? You’ve got no 
transportation and it looks like you’re a goner
 anyway!”

The cowboy thinks about this for a minute and 
decides that the genie is right.

“OK!, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of
 food and drink.”

***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful 
oasis he has ever seen and he is surrounded
 with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

“OK, cowpoke, what’s your second wish.”

“My second wish is that I was rich beyond my 
wildest dreams.”

***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure
 chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

“OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish.
 Better make it a good one!” Continue reading »

Nov 252013
 

A man goes into a bar, and the barmaid asks what he wants.

“I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your tits.” he says.

“You dirty bastard!” shouts the barmaid, “Get out before I get my husband.”

The man apologizes and promises not to repeat his gaffe.

The Barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants.

“I want to pull your pants down, spread yogurt between the cheeks of your ass and lick it all off.”

She says, “You dirty filthy pervert! You’re barred. Get out!”

Again, the man apologizes and swears never to do it again.

“One more chance,” says the barmaid, “Now, what do you want?”

“I want to turn you upside down, tear your panties off and fill your pussy with Guinness, and then drink every last drop from your hairy cup.”

The barmaid is furious at this personal intrusion, and runs in the back to fetch her husband.

“What’s up?” he asks his irate wife.

“There’s some asshole out in the bar who wants to put his head between my tits and lick the sweat off,” she says.

“I’ll kill him. Where is he?” storms the husband.

“Then he said he wanted to pour yogurt down between my ass cheeks and lick it off,” she screams.

“Oh, he’s a dead man!” says the husband, reaching for a baseball bat.

“Then he said he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my pussy with Guinness and then drink it all,” she cries.

The husband puts down his bat and returns to his chair.

“Aren’t you going to do something about it?” she cries hysterically. Continue reading »

Nov 022013
 

Over-riding rules from the Book of Redneck Manners

  1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
  2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
  3. It’s considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.
  4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
  5. Even if you’re certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

Dining Out

Continue reading »

Nov 012013
 

Two rednecks walk into a restaurant. While having a bite they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly a women at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in distress.

One of the rednecks looks at her and says, “Kin ya swaller?” The women shakes her head no.

Then he asks “kin ya breathe?” The women begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.

Continue reading »