Sep 182013
 

Last week, we took some friends to a posh restaurant, a real upscale place, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.

It seemed a little strange.

When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.

Then I looked around and saw that the entire staff had spoons in their pockets.

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Sep 172013
 

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, “If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?”

“No, I had to stop drinking years ago,” the homeless man replied.

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Sep 152013
 

A five year old boy and his grandpa are sitting on the front porch together, when gramps pulls a beer out of his cooler. The little boy asks: “Can I have a beer Grandpa?”

Grandpa replies: “Can your pecker touch your ass?”

The little boy answered: “No Grandpa. It’s just a little pecker.”

Gramps says: “Well then, you’re not man enough to have a beer.”

A little later Grandpa lights up a cigar.

The little boy asks: “Can I have a cigar Grandpa?”

Once again, Grandpa asks: “Can your pecker touch your ass?”

Once again the little boy replies, “No, it’s too little.”

Gramps replies, “Then you’re not man enough to have a cigar.”

A little later the little boy comes out of the house with milk and some  cookies.

Grandpa asks, “Hey there young feller, can I have a cookie?” Continue reading »

Sep 142013
 

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift…

The next year, I didn’t buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied,

“Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!”

And that’s how the fight started……

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My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, ‘Do you want to have Sex?’

‘No,’ she answered.

I then said, ‘Is that your final answer?’

She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying, ‘Yes..’

So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”

And that’s when the fight started…

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I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

“I’ll have the rump steak, rare, please.”

He said, “Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?”

“Nah, she can order for herself.”

And that’s when the fight started…..

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My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, “Do you know him?”

“Yes”, she sighed,

“He’s my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn’t been sober since.”

“My God!” I said, “Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?”

And then the fight started…

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When our lawn mower broke and wouldn’t run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point..

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Sep 102013
 

An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane, turned to her and said, “Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with a fellow passenger.” 

The little girl, who had just started reading her book, replied to the total stranger, “What would you want to talk about?” 

“Oh, I don’t know,” said the atheist. “How about why there is no God?” as he smiled smugly. 

“OK,” she said. “That could be an interesting topic…but let me ask you a question first: a horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff- grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?” 

The atheist, visibly surprised by her intelligence, thinks about it and says, “Hmmm, I have no idea.” 

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