Last night, my kids stopped by and we were sitting in the living room when I
said to them, ‘I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some
machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.’
They got up, unplugged my computer, and threw out my wine.
An elderly golfer comes in after a good round of golf at the new course and heads straight to the bar/restaurant area of the club house.
As he passes through the swinging doors, he spots a sign hanging over the bar that reads:
COLD BEER: $5.00
Tiger Woods & Stevie Wonder are in a bar…
Tiger turns to Stevie and says, “How ‘s the singing career going?”
Stevie replies, “Not too bad. How ‘s the golf?”
Woods replies, “Not too bad, I ‘ve had some problems with my swing, but I think I ‘ve got that right, now.”
Stevie says, “I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right.”
Incredulous, Tiger says, “You play GOLF?”
Stevie says, “Yes, I ‘ve been playing for years.”
Tiger says, “But — you ‘re blind! How can you play golf if you can ‘t see?”
Stevie Wonder replies, “Well, I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice.”
But, “How do you putt” asks Tiger.
“Well”, says Stevie, “I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball toward his voice.”
Tiger asks, “What ‘s your handicap?”
Stevie says, “Well, actually — I ‘m a scratch golfer.”
Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, “We ‘ve got to play a round sometime.”
Stevie replies, “Well, people don ‘t take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole. Is that a problem?”
A labor union rep walks into a bar next door to the factory and is about to order a drink to celebrate Obama’s victory when he sees a guy close by wearing a Repeal ObamaCare button and two beers in front of him.
He doesn’t have to be an Einstein to know that this guy is a Republican. So, he shouts over to the bartender so loudly that everyone can hear, “Drinks for everyone in here, bartender, but not for the Republican.”
Soon after the drinks have been handed out, the Republican gives him a big smile, waves at him, then says, “Thank you!” in an equally loud voice. This infuriates the union rep.