Aug 292013
 
  1. Yes, your freshman AND Sophomore years count towards your GPA for college entrance. Screw it up and you’ll work for crap wages your whole life.
  2. No means NO. In every possible circumstance.
  3. Join every sport, every club, every after school activity no matter what the cost. It’s cheaper than bail.
  4. Repeat after me: I am never in that much of a hurry…I am never in that much of a hurry. Now say that every time you get behind the wheel. It will save your life and that of your best friend in the seat next to you.
  5. Don’t do drugs or drink – it is so not worth the trouble.
  6. Don’t get a credit card. You earn it or you live without it.
  7. If I yell at you, it’s because I love you. And also, because you pissed me off. To avoid the latter, don’t be an idiot. And don’t disappoint me. More importantly, yourself.
  8. Make a vivid picture inside your head of every great moment of your childhood. You’ll need those to get through adulthood.
  9. Make snow angels as often as possible. Make a bucket list. Check it off!
  10. Stand up for those who can’t stand up for themselves.
  11. Be always benevolent. Yes, that’s a word. Look it up.
  12. Call me for a ride even if you are so drunk you barely know my number. I’ll probably be mad for a while but I’ll respect you for calling and I won’t kill you. Riding with someone who is drinking will. (PS – remember #5?)
  13. Be a leader, not a follower. Unless you are following the kid with the highest GPA and (s)he is going to a study group, then by all means be a follower!
  14. Love your siblings, even when you don’t like them. Some day you will be trying to get them to take care of me in my old age. If they are mad at you, you are stuck with me.
  15. I’ve been there, done that on more things than you can imagine. I’m not stupid and I know what you are doing. I was once you (times ten).
  16. Work hard at everything you do. Anything worth doing is worth doing well.
  17. Cover it. (Enough said.)
  18. When I tell you to clean your room, do not point at my messy room and raise your eyebrows. I’m trying to raise you to be better than me.
  19. Learn to type; to budget; to spell correctly and to pray. All are equally important.
  20. Never be sedentary. Someday soon you will no longer be able to move like that. Enjoy it.
Aug 202013
 

Dear Employees:

As the CEO of this organization, I have resigned myself to the fact that Barrack Obama is our President and that our taxes and government fees will increase in a BIG way. To compensate for these increases, our prices would have to increase by about 10%.

But since we cannot increase our prices right now due to the dismal state of the economy, we will have to lay off sixty of our employees instead. This has really been bothering me since I believe we are family here and I didn’t know how to choose who would have to go.

Continue reading »

Aug 192013
 

On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher.

The supermarket manager’s daughter brought the teacher a basket of assorted fruit.

The florist’s son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.

The candy-store owner’s daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.

Then the liquor-store owner’s son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted it
up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit. She touched a drop of the liquid with her
finger and tasted it.

Continue reading »

Aug 182013
 

WOMEN

A real woman is a man’s best friend.

She will never stand him up and never let him down.
She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.

She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret.

She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.

Continue reading »

Aug 162013
 

A woman who had been married three times walked into a bridal shop one day
and told the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her
fourth wedding.

“Of course, madam,” replied the sales clerk, “exactly what type and color
dress are you looking for?”

The bride to be said, “A long frilly white dress with a veil.”

Continue reading »

Aug 152013
 

My boss phoned me today. 

He said, “Is everything okay at the office?

“I said, “Yes, it’s all
under control. It’s been a very busy day, I haven’t stopped.”

“Can you
do me a favor?” he asked. 

I said, “Of course, what is it?” 

He said,
“Hurry up and take your shot, I’m in the foursome behind you.”