Things your Mother would NEVER say

— Yeah, I used to cut class a lot too.

— Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I’ll be glad to feed and walk him every day.

— That outfit isn’t sexy enough, here, unbutton your blouse.

— Why don’t you hitchhike? It would totally be cheaper.

— The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It’s not like I’m running a prison around here.

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Golf Meditations

If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.

Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three.

No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse.

When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.

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Nine Ways NOT To Start Your Police Report

1. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times …

2. The names contained in this report have been changed to protect the innocent …

3. The mayor then made an illegal left hand turn onto Mulraney at which point I opened fire …

4. Before I get into the details, I’ve got a few “shout- outs” for my homeys in the command staff …

5. It was so dark and wet that night you could almost eat the mist. The radio call penetrated the eerie silence with such piercing intensity that for a moment, I was sure I’d lost my mind …

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