Twas the night of Thanksgiving and out of the house
Tiger Woods came a flyin’, chased by his spouse.
She wielded a nine iron and wasn’t too merry,
Cause a bimbo’s phone number was in his Blackberry.
He’d been cheatin’ on Elin, and the story progressed.
Woman after woman stepped up and confessed.
- You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
- You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.
- Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
- You burn your yard rather than mow it.
- The Salvation Army declines your furniture.
- You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don’t want it.
- You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
- You come back from the dump with more than you took.
- You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
- Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
- Your grandmother has ‘ammo’ on her Christmas list.
- You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.
- You’ve been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
- You go to the stock car races and don’t need a program.
- You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
- You have a rag for a gas cap.
- Your house doesn’t have curtains, but your truck does.
- You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.
- You can spit without opening your mouth.
- You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.
- Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
- You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say ‘Cool Whip’ on the side.
- The biggest city you’ve ever been to is Wal-Mart.
- Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
- You’ve used your ironing board as a buffet table.
- A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements.
- You’ve used a toilet brush to scratch your back.
- You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.
- You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65.
No joke – I really hope that your Christmas is wonderful.
Don’t forget to do something really special for at least one person today.
The wife has been on my case to get the Christmas lights up for a couple of weeks now.
They are up now, and for some reason she will not talk to me.
My dear friends and family,
Somewhat embarrassing to admit, I’m not getting an annual bonus and Christmas is tight this year. I will be making bedroom slippers for you all as gifts. Please let me know your sizes. You’ll most likely agree that it’s a splendid idea, and should you wish to do the same, I’ve included the instructions below.
How to make bedroom slippers out of maxi pads:
It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.
Teacher: “Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today.”
Little Johnny says to himself “Good, I want to get outta here. I’m smart and will answer the question.”