What Tiger should have said

To my wife, I’m sorry. I fucked up but I’m not changing so you’ll either need to put up with this shit or I’ll stroke you the check I agreed to in the pre-nup….sorry.

To my fans, get over it. Where I stick my dick is none of your business. If you care….sorry. I don’t need any of you in order to make 10 times in one year what you’ll make in a career. I promise to continue to hit 4 irons from 210 yards to within 10′ of the hole and drop puts that you couldn’t read in a million years. If that’s not good enough for you, go watch tennis.

To the media. You cocksuckers are the only ones more two-faced than I am. Kissing my ass for all those years and then ripping me every chance you’ve had since Thanksgiving. Fuck all ya’ll. I’m glad I don’t have to take the time to sit and answer the same bullshit questions over and over again.

To the other golfers. Kiss my cablanasian ass! You motherfuckers come out ripping me when I’ve put more fucking money in your pockets than you could count. You think anyone’s been paying to see Jesper-fucking-Parnavik? Give me a fucking break. I’m almost tempted to give up golf just to punish you guys but I think it’s going to be more fun to practice for the next few weeks and get back to making you all my bitches.

That’s all I got today folks…..see ya at Augusta !….Oh and Bambi, if you’re listening I’ll meet you at the Ritz in 45 minutes.

Are computers male or female

Why computers may be female:

  1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
  2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
  3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
  4. As soon as you commit to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

Why computers may be male:

  1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.
  2. They have a lot of data but still can’t think for themselves.
  3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
  4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

(Shout out to Dev Topics where I found this joke.)

Qualify for the CIA

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and tests were done there were three finalists — two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. “We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her.”

The first man said, “You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife.” The agent replies, “Then you’re not the right man for this job.”

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.” The agent replies, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”

Finally, it was the woman’s turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, “You guys didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair!”

(Shout out to Beer Goggler where I found this joke.)

ObamaCare is replaced by Macaroni

I use the email program Thunderbird for my personal email. I also use ScribeFire embedded in Firefox to create posts on this site.  When you write ObamaCare in either program, it is flagged as a misspelling.  The suggested alternative is Macaroni.  I think that is fitting.

Yankee Doodle

Yankee Doodle went to town,
A-Riding on a pony;
He stuck a feather in his cap,
And called it macaroni.

Facts about Americans. Did you know that . . .

Only 30% of us can flare our nostrils.

21% of us don’t make our bed daily. 5% of us never do.

Men do 29% of laundry each week. Only 7% of women trust their husbands to do it correctly.

40% of women have hurled footwear at a man.

67.5% of men were tightie whities (briefs).

3 out of 4 of us store our dollar bills in rigid order with singles leading up to higher denominations.

13% of us admit to occassionally doing our offspring’s homework.

91% of us lie regularly.

27% admit to cheating on a test or quiz.

29% admit they’ve intentionally stolen something from a store.

50% admit they regularly sneak food into movie theaters to avoid the high prices of snack foods.

90% believe in divine retribution.

10% believe in the 10 Commandments.

82% believe in an afterlife.

45% believe in ghosts.

13% (mostly men) have spent a night in jail.

58.4% have called into work sick when we weren’t.

10% of us switch tags in the store to pay less for an item.

Over 50% believe in spanking – but only a child over 2 years old.

35% give to charity at least once a month.

How far would you go for $10 million? 25% would abandon their friends, family, and church. 7% would murder.

69% eat the cake before the frosting.

When nobody else is around, 47% drink straight from the carton.

85% of us will eat Spam this year.

70% of us drink orange juice daily.

Snickers is the most popular candy.

22% of us skip lunch daily.

9% of us skip breakfast daily.

66% of us eat cereal regularly.

22% of all restaurant meals include french fries.

14% of us eat the watermelon seeds.

Only 13% brush our teeth from side to side.

45% use mouthwash every day.

22% leave the glob of toothpaste in the sink.

The typical shower is 101 degrees F.

Nearly 1/3 of U.S. women color their hair.

9% of women and 8% of men have had cosmetic surgery.

53% of women will not leave the house without makeup on.

58% of women paint their nails regularly.

33% of women lie about their weight.

10% of us claim to have seen a ghost.

57% have had deja vu.

49% believe in ESP.

44% have broken a bone.

Only 30% of us know our cholesterol level.

14% have attended a self-help meeting.

15% regularly go to a shrink.

78% would rather die quickly than live in a retirement home.

30% of us refuse to sit on a public toilet seat.

54.2% of us always wash our hands after using the toilet.

39% of us peek in our host’s bathroom cabinet. 17% have been caught by the host.

29% of us ignore RSVP.

71.6% of us eavesdrop.

22% are functionally illiterate.

Less than 10% are trilingual.

37% claim to know how to use all the features on their VCR.

53% prefer ATM machines over tellers.

56% of women do the bills in a marriage.

2 out of 3 of us wouldn’t give up their spouse even for a night for a million U.S. dollars.

20% of us have played in a band at one time in our life.

40% of us have had music lessons.

44% reuse tinfoil.

57% save pretty gift paper to reuse.

66% of women and 59% of men have used a mix to cook and taken credit for doing it from scratch.

53% read their horoscopes regularly.

16% of us have forgotten our own wedding anniversary (mostly men).

59% of us say we’re average-looking.

Blacks are more than twice as likely to call themselves beautiful.

90% of us depend on alarm clocks to wake us.

53% of us would take advice from Anne Landers.

51% of adults dress up for a Halloween festivity.

On average, we send 38 Christmas cards every year.

20% of women consider their parents to be their best friends.

2 out of 5 have married their first love.

The biggest cause of matrimonial fighting is money.

Only 4% asked the parents’ approval for their bride’s hand.

1 in 5 men proposed on his knees.

6% propose over the phone.

71% can drive a stick-shift car.

45% of us consistantly follow the speed limit.

2/3 of us speed up at a yellow light.

1/3 of us don’t wear seat belts.

12% of men never use their car blinkers.

44% of men tailgate to speed up the person in front of them.

25% of us drive after we’ve been drinking.

4 out of 5 sing in the car.

(this list was found at Aha! Jokes)

SEC workers like porn!

I couldn’t help laughing at this bit of news! I picked this up at Crossing Wall Street:

From the NYT: It seems that the Securities and Exchange Commission may have a pornography problem even bigger than expected.

Gawker reported that S.E.C. is investigating allegations and reports of rampant pornography viewing, surfing, sharing, and downloading by employees on their work computers.

From popular PornHub and Tube V to animated porn cartoons on 4Chan of all places! These employees apparently know where to find their fun, if only it wasn’t at the taxpayers’ expense!

Now we’ve obtained reports of 16 investigations into porn-surfing by SEC employees and contractors (one of them is a woman!), The
blog writes
. This is including one man who said his daily porn viewing at work was limited to “no longer than an hour and a half a day.”

Call that limited!? What kind of superhuman can watch an hour and a half of porn every day and not exhaust themselves? All without his supervisor noticing as well? Is the supervisor also at their own desk watching PornSex or other naughty things? What a scoop! But it doesn’t end there, the article continues:

The sixteen cases reported by Gawker follows a February article by The Washington Times, which first reported details of the S.E.C.’s
internal investigation.

In a semiannual report by the S.E.C.’s internal watchdog to Congress released in December, H. David Kotz, the S.E.C.’s inspector general outlines numerous cases of misconduct by former and current employees, including two instances of S.E.C. officials using their office computers to view pornography on the Internet.

Wow! Whenever you think of your supervisor yelling at you for peeking at Facebook, try not to get jealous of the S.E.C officials who had been getting away with watching porn long for who knows how long. Someone get these employees a relationship councellor.

Jewish humor

You may remember the old Jewish comics of Vaudeville days, Shecky Green, Red Buttons, Totie Fields, Milton Berle, Henny Youngman, and others? You’ve probably heard of them before, but don’t you miss their humor? Not one single swear word in their comedy.

A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, “Are you comfortable?” The man says, “I make a good living.”


I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.


I’ve been in love with the same woman for 49 years! If my wife ever finds out, she’ll kill me!


What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she’s making love? “Honey, I’m home!”


Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.


We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.


My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night, only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.


My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife calls it the Dead Sea.


She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.


The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn’t pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.


The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, “Mrs. Cohen, your cheque came back.” Mrs. Cohen answered, “So did my arthritis!”


Doctor: “You’ll live to be 60!” Patient: “I AM 60!” Doctor: “See! What did I tell you?”


A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man’s chest. The man asks, “Doc, how do I stand?” The doctor says, “That’s what puzzles me!”


Patient: “I have a ringing in my ears.” Doctor: “Don’t answer!”


A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, “You’ve been brought here for drinking.” The drunk says “Okay, let’s get started.”


Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They’re worth it.


Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.


The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now.


There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from medical school.


Q: Why don’t Jewish mothers drink?
A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.


Q: Have you seen the newest Jewish-American-Princess horror movie?
A: It’s called, “Debbie Does Dishes.”


Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
A: They never let anyone finish a sentence!


Q: What’s a Jewish American Princess’s favourite position
A: Facing Bloomingdale’s.


A man called his mother in Florida. “Mom, how are you?”
Not too good,” said the mother. “I’ve been very weak.”
The son said, “Why are you so weak?”
She said, “Because I haven’t eaten in 38 days.”
The son said, “That’s terrible. Why haven’t you eaten in 38 days?”
The mother answered, “Because; I didn’t want my mouth to be filled with food in case you should call.”


A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play.
She asks, “What part is it?”
The boy says, “I play the part of the Jewish husband. “
The mother scowls and says, “Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part.”


Short summary of every Jewish holiday:
They tried to kill us, we won, let’s eat.


Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said, “Lady I haven’t eaten in three days.”
“Force yourself,” she replied.


Q: What’s the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother?
A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go


Q: Why are Jewish Men circumcised?
A: Because Jewish women don’t like anything that isn’t 20% off.